Ice Skating again!
I will never forget the first time for me on the ice. It was a couple of years ago, when I was introduced for the first time to TheOne®'s family.
She thought it would be a fun idea to meet them for the first time in a relaxed and casual atmosphere. So they could see I was just a regular guy, no different from the men they knew...
What?
Yeah, they're all meeting us at the Eisstadion.
Ice Skating?
Yeah, it will be fun.
Are you mad? What am I going to say. Hello nice to meet you BAM and fall on my butt? You won't fall, it is the same as inline skating.
As what? Rollerblading?
Yeah! It's the same.
Yes. I have never done that either.
Oh. Hmm...
And so that was how I met the German family. Either standing in one place, knock-kneed like I needed to pee badly or moving slightly and then flapping my arms like a hyperactive stork that couldn't fly while squealing like a puppy.
That was when they knew I was the man for Jenny.
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But today my situation on the ice is quite different. Today I still flap my arms like a demented stork but have stopped squealing completely.
And I am able to move forward. I move like C3PO, knees fully taut and arms straight up. But I am able to move forward. That's until I lose my balance and then start the flapping. That looks like a serious twitch cause by circuit failure sometimes. Doing the funky robot, then the demented stork and back to the funky robot.
But this time we must go. The little girl is doing her first dance on ice, like a little ballerina in a few days and she needs to practice her moves. So we all go to the ice stadium.
Finding a pair of skates that fit me is never a problem here.
A few minutes later, I'm on the ice again.
Ahhh uuuuhhhh ooohhhhhh. Look Deutschland, I am doing the flapping again.
Whoosh. Whoosh. Whoosh. People pass me by as they skate away.
Whoosh.
The good thing is that nobody is really being unkind. If this was India somebody would have shouted
Abey, Andha hai kya saale, alibag se aaya kya, aata nahi hai toh ghar jaa Langur!
And those would have been the kind people who would not invoke my sister and mother.
No over here, people go whoosh, they sort of pass around me and skate on. The GOOD thing is that even if they are snickering at me, I can't see, cos after they pass me, I see their backs. So I imagine some kind of grudging respect to the man from India trying to do the swan lake here. I know it probably isn't happening, but it makes a better mental image.
Whoosh.
The grown ups don't bother me. It's the 2 and 3 year olds. That's just shameful when they go past me, around me and from between my legs. There I am teetering and waving like the idiot giant while they giggle and whoosh past me.
I look around to see the little girl practice her movies. Oh she is beautiful!
Come on honey, stop standing on the side holding that wall, you look pathetic. Come on, this is so much FUNN!!!! WHEE!!
She whooshes past me but turns around and starts skating BACKWARDS and waves. Oh great. Rub my nose in it why don't you?
Come baby let me show you, move like this, like this, like this.
She holds my hand and we start moving.
Heyyyy, not bad, I grin.
See and now faster, faster.
Heyyyy, I grin.
SEE?
I don't.
As soon as she leaves my side, the flapping stork arms turn into the windmills from hell. The only whooshing I now hear is the rustling of my jacket as I rotate my arms round and round at the speed of light before...
SPLAT!
The only sound I hear now is the whoosh of Germany passing me by and the groaning that is coming from my mouth.
I think my butt-bone just broke.