[pacer_123]

Hello Team-BHP family

I'm undergoing some trauma, and would like to hear your advice on the following.

I've completed my graduation five years ago.
Since then, I started preparing for exams to secure a job in the govt sector.
After five years (with Covid in-between), I've finally cleared the exam and got a govt job.

The results were announced last week. Was actually happy for two days. Then, the appointment order reached home. And the moment I opened it, my world turned dark. The location mentioned was 650 kms away from my home, and I've to settle there for the rest of my life. The job is of high responsibility and I won't be able to avail any leave other than Sundays. And, I can't just travel 1300 kms (up and down), in one day, often.

Post my schooling, I've already been living out of my home for the past ten years. My college was 300 kms away. I prepared for my exams from a city that was 500 kms away. But all these were for a shorter duration.

The problem is, my parents work here and we have everything in my hometown, that can't be relocated any day. My parents can't live in such a big city. I too can't afford a big house for them, with the salary I'd get. They've also started looking for matches, and I feel, I may not get any time to spend with my parents post marriage.

I just can't leave my parents for the rest of my life. I've already been living separated and not anymore.

I even thought of not taking the job, but I've got no other means of survival.
For the last five days, I'm going through lots of stress. I have to leave my parents (I'm the only child), my hometown (a greenish village with lovely people all around). I can't even take care of them, if they are ill. I can't be there for them when needed.

My parents got me everything I asked for (even if they couldn't afford). But all I'm returning to them is "nothing".
It is our parents who brought us to this world, and we can't live together with them for more than 10 years in the entire lifetime.

I'm shedding tears while writing this, and will end this here.

Wish, it could be those good old days, where agriculture was the only occupation and we could live together with all our family members. This modern world has separated many of us from our parents and our hometown. Big cities have got all amenities, but in-vain.

[Engine_Roars]

Congratulation on getting the job, well done.

I am 38 years of age, only son of my parents, have been working since I was 18 and have been living away from my parents since I was 21 since our entire house hold was dependent on me earning, I had no other option. Had I thought the way you are thinking, even though I would be with them physically I would not have been able to provide for them. I chose to stay away from them, so that all of us could survive.

If you are stinky rich & can survive living in your village for the rest of your life, please don't take up the job, it is not worth it at the expense of your peace. However, if you have to take up a job to survive, I would say, take this one up. Travel, live alone for sometime(It is altogether a different feeling), you will grow in ways you never thought you could.

You could always chose to quit & go back to your village, those doors will always be open for you.

[NPV]

Just grab the opportunity with both hands! Think of a switch after working a few years. Being away from home isn’t an excuse to turn down this job opportunity that too after waiting for 5 years and working so hard. I didn’t get what is the problem with the job needing more responsibility (hope it has higher levels and of accountability as well), that’s something to be happy about especially in the early part of the career since that’s usually missing in some jobs today (especially for new joiners starting off their career).

[am1m]

Originally Posted by pacer_123

My parents got me everything I asked for (even if they couldn't afford). But all I'm returning to them is "nothing".

As someone who is right now helping with taking care of elderly relatives in their old age, their hospitalization, making sure they have help at home, making sure they have the right medicines, it is only the jobs I've had/that I now have that makes it possible for me to do this.

So, moving away for a job that will someday make this possible is the practical decision.

Originally Posted by pacer_123

It is our parents who brought us to this world, and we can't live together with them for more than 10 years in the entire lifetime.

This is only natural, they moved away from their parents and made you the focus of their lives. Someday you will have your own wife and child to focus on.

But having said that, I would also suggest that you put off getting married till you have come to terms with living away from your parents and having your own life. These days it is not fair to expect one's spouse to also dedicate their lives to the welfare of one's parents.

[Small Bot]

First off, I would suggest talking to your parents about your thoughts.

Your parents might have a different idea of what hopes and expectations they have of you. For all you know, they could be waiting for you to go out and spread your wings and live the life they were probably not able to. So don't suffer alone. And don't assume that you know best what your parents might like from you, sometimes it's better to ask them outright.

Next, money is definitely not everything, but a steady higher salary does make life easier. It could mean a slightly better standard of living for your family.

Finally, I'd also advise you to list out all your choices, list out all the pros and cons you can think of in each alternative, and then figure out what to do from then on.

You're the best judge of your life and all the opinions on the internet might not give you the right path.

If you feel it might have the slightest effect, please do consult with a psychological counselor who could help you work your way through your feelings and make a logical decision.

Marriage is a big step. If you feel unsure about it, it's probably worth waiting until you're sure. In fact, marriage in itself is not even a necessary life step, even if Indian society feels you're incomplete without being married.

It would not be fair to bring some other unsuspecting human being and foisting any uncertainty on them, so think about it more.

[Rajeevraj]

Originally Posted by pacer_123

Hello Team-BHP family
I'm undergoing some trauma, and would like to hear your advice on the following.
I've completed my graduation five years ago.
Since then, I started preparing for exams to secure a job in the govt sector.
After five years (with Covid in-between), I've finally cleared the exam and got a govt job.
The results were announced last week. Was actually happy for two days. Then, the appointment order reached home. And the moment I opened it, my world turned dark. The location mentioned was 650 kms away from my home, and I've to settle there for the rest of my life.

I think you maybe worrying a little too much. Since you have been preparing for 5 years, I assume getting this government job would be a dream come true. Also, with my limited knowledge, with a government job you can be posted anywhere within the state or country and I assume that is also something you know well. So it should not have been a surprise right?

Your parents have stood by you for 5 years while you prepared and worked towards your goal of a government job. I am sure they will want you to take the job and be independent. That will probably bring the greatest joy to them. You mentioned your parents are working, which means they have their own busy lives currently. You should not even be thinking of not taking it considering you do not have any back up option. Take the job, work your way up and by the time your parents really need you, you will be in a position to take them to your work location or get a posting closer to your home town.

And 600km is not too much. It is an overnight train or bus journey away and maybe 1 hr by flight(if available) in time of emergency. So you just need to get into a workable routine of visiting them.

Regarding marriage, that is also a big step. Maybe first get settled in your job, save up some money, get the clarity and comfort in the long distance relationship with your parents and then take this step.

Hearty congratulations and once again, there is no reason for you to not take the job after so much of hard work. Higher responsibility means better opportunities to make a difference and move up in your career. Wish you all the best.

[ninjatalli]

Originally Posted by pacer_123

I'm undergoing some trauma, and would like to hear your advice on the following.

Don't take this wrongly - but you need to wake up.

5 years after graduation would put you in the ballpark of 29 - 30 years. Which would put your parents in the 50 - 60 range. Considering they have been the primary source of funds for running the house, I don't expect them to be dependent on you when you move out. They should be very well be able to continue with their lives without the need of any support for another 10 years at the minimum.

This is very much normal; in fact ~700 kms is not too far; you can make a few weekend based visits when possible (combining holidays etc.). Also you need to think long term - how are you going to support yourself and your parents, once they reach an age when they would be better off with a younger person around them to assist them.

Take the job; move out of your parent's house. Prove yourself worthy to your organization and then work internally to get a shift to a location closer to your parents / home town. Life's going to throw a lot more challenges at you; you just need to work through them.

[eyedocgb]

Hi Pacer_123,offering you congratulations for your job.
Having said that,if I may put across my point that please go ahead and join ,keep on looking for newer options and opportunities after a few years of experience while keeping your parents in the loop.
Marriage is a personal issue which you can consider whenever you feel comfortable.
Professionally,mine was the same condition having stayed most of my professional life away from parents but was lucky to have settled with them in their last few years ,at a place of their choice but I too grew professionally there eventually.
So buddy,you have to decide what's best for you.
Thank you

[Amby955]

Nothing to worry about, this is part of life everyone goes through in this day and age. I have been living away from home for the better part of 10 years now, by the way I am only 28 years old and I DO NOT LIKE CHANGES. But started living away from home with college hostel, then my first job in Chennai, then Masters in UK, then again back in Chennai, I have never stayed more than a month or 2 continuously in our new family home ("parents home"), which they moved in about 8 years back. Its just a transition, now I just visit my old folks, its no more my home. Best thing I have from living away from home are a few good friends, whom I call as family.

New place will get you new friends, new job, new house, having a earning and eventually you will find your new normal. Just embrace the change and live the fullest, if this does not work out, you can always move back or find a new job. Try it out for a year or two, I am sure you will get used to and will put on your new ride stories from this new town.

[wocanak]

First congrats on persisting for 5 years and achieving your goal.

It is difficult to leave your home and parents, I have experienced it from both sides, first when I left for studies and now from the other side, when my son left home for studies.

But to be away (at least for few years) is an essential and healthy step, that will ultimately benefit all. If other than distance everything about the job is what you wanted, then seriously consider taking it. There will be multiple ways to manage the separation, you can have video call often, you can maybe afford to take a flight (at least for the major part) or your parents can also visit you. There will be time to be together (or work nearer) in future, it is not permanent and can be changed if it absolutely does not work, but have the courage and strength to try it out.

I know relatives who missed out on opportunities for reasons like this and regretted it for life, as later on they could not get such opportunities. Whereas as very few have regrets the other way around, as later on it is more in their control to either shift themselves or get their parents to move.

[Fuldagap]

This is a very very common emotional turmoil that people go through when they have to leave their beloved home for a job. Once you move out it may take a couple of months to get out of this emotional dilemma. Coupled with homesickness and love for parents, the brain tries to resist the change. The person doesn't seem to value the new job that he got, prepared so long for it and thinks more about the 'baggage'. Hence the tears. A 600-700 km distance seem to be unmanageable just untill you join the job and meet colleagues who have already gone through what you will now experience.
Things become clearer and easier once you join. Colleagues pour in to help you out with their own experiences, affordable options to stay/eat and ways to avail leaves to take care of folks back home.

Don't let you brain play tricks on you. Be brave and venture out to your job and let life amuse you. What fears and emotions you have now will convert to happiness and far better experiences and opportunities that you can't fathom today. Let the tears roll as long as they want to.

Congarts on your govt job. Since the past decade, getting a govt job is in itself a blessing. There are many many people who lost their precious years even after being successful at a certain exam. Too many exams got canceled.

I'm not sure what post and department you are joining but once you become a govt servant a hell lot of other opportunities emerge. You get relaxation in age limit for even better posts. You get departmental promotions based on a suddenly announced new exam for which only currently serving personnel are eligible. You also get to switch departments totally unrelated to your current department. Govt jobs are exciting to an exciting person. They are lame for people who think the world ends with 9 to 5 hours.

There must also be a training which you would undergo for several months initially. Let that training enlighten you. You will find your peers who are almost in the same boat as yourself.

Also start reading on the rules and regulations that govern your employment. There are rule books available online and in libraries. You can buy them off the shelf too.

Marriage can be delayed for say the time you get comfortable for the first few months. Get brave once again and take that plunge too. The earlier the better. Who knows your would be better half is going to meet you there in the training. Everything will work out fine.

Don't let your emotions overwhelm you. It is an inflection point that will shape the rest of your life. Fortune favours the brave!

[Roy.S]

I've been there when I was a bit younger than you are now. Small town boy with no siblings who considered spending the rest of his life there.
I bit the bullet and moved out. Three decades later I don't have any regrets. My closest friend from school stayed back. Didn't work out quite the way he thought it would.
Go out. See life from a different perspective. Wait a decade or so and then revisit this.

[fordday]

This is an opportunity not a challenge.

All I would say is there would be lot more trouble in life without you asking for it. So don't pile up some more, imaginary ones.

Take the job and then see what be done around it.

[anoopap]

Originally Posted by pacer_123

Hello Team-BHP family

Wish, it could be those good old days, where agriculture was the only occupation and we could live together with all our family members. This modern world has separated many of us from our parents and our hometown. Big cities have got all amenities, but in-vain.

Dear friend, even in olden days people had to travel.

Think about number of floods, diseases, people had to overcome. Think about soldiers who had to, and even now travel to far off places for their kins protection. Think about traders who sold produces from artisans, farmers to far off lands and brought riches to our society.
This is part of a process called LIFE

Either you do it by your will and enjoy.. else IT will make you do against your wish !
Best of luck.

[alpha1]

Originally Posted by pacer_123

I even thought of not taking the job, but I've got no other means of survival.

Congrats for the job offer but you need to be practical.
Unless you can identify a similar paying job / business in your hometown, you have to take a practical decision that money may not be everything, but is a significant thing.

For your own future (anticipated expenditures), for your parent's health (they will get enrolled into medical insurance), for your (hopefully) upcoming son/daughter (education, future job opportunities).

Also, I think you have been painted a grim picture. What kind of govt job you have secured that doesn't allow any vacations at all?