Adieu
How do you thank someone who was responsible for your very existence? How do you express your gratitude to someone who lived their entire life with the sole objective of making your life better? There are times and occasions where words hardly seem to do justice to what you want to express and this is definitely one such occasion.
If we are what we are today and I take the liberty here of speaking for my sisters as well, it is because of our mother. ”Mumse” as I used to call her lovingly was by far the single most influential person in our lives. For as long as I can remember, she was the fulcrum around which all of us revolved, my late Dad included. In times of crisis, minor or otherwise, she was the person, to whom we all headed for a solution and we were never disappointed. She lived her entire life worrying about our well-being. Always standing by my father, as he discharged his duties to the extended family and on the rare occasion when she had a varied opinion, she nudged us in the right direction. “Far ahead of her times “- This term seems to have been coined just for her. She was so far head in her outlook of life, that many in the extended family, even the next generation, sought her guidance.
The last few months had been extremely difficult for her. In and out of the hospital, it broke my heart and brought tears to my eyes to see her lying in bed, with a multitude of tubes assisting her in that very fundamental of tasks, “breathing”. She, who was our ROCK, our pillar of strength at all times, needed our assistance for the very basic of activities. We were devastated to see her in that state. On the last such occasion, when she held my hand and requested me to take her home, come what may, my sisters and I decided that we had to go by her wishes.
The last few weeks, we nursed her at home, my sisters and I were by her bedside constantly, holding her hand and comforting her. Despite being in considerable distress, she kept on enquiring, if we had eaten. When I pleaded with her to sleep, the day before she left us, she told me that she was ok and asked me to go and get some sleep. How do you even begin to express your gratitude to someone, who despite being in such severe anguish, is still thinking about your comfort and well-being - just way beyond my comprehension and linguistic ability.
Life, post my mother’s demise, has been extremely daunting. Till the rituals were completed and there were a lot of people around, it was easier to deal with the pain of the loss. However, after the relatives left and since due to circumstances, I was left to fend for myself alone, it has been extremely difficult. To stay alone in the house that you spent more than four decades with your mother, brings a flood of memories at each turn. Every nook and corner has a story, nay many stories to tell.
Despite being there beside her, the last couple of months, I am plagued with guilt. Did I do enough? Could I have spent more time with her? Did I miss out on something which could have made her last few days more comfortable, made her stay with us a bit longer? Have I discharged my duties as a son with some modicum of responsibility? As I walk around the house, which all of a sudden seems so silent and empty, I am only comforted by the thought, that as she had done all her life, for one last time, she, in her all-pervasive magnanimity and love for me, would graciously forgive my shortcomings and failings.
I miss you Mumse!!
.