[Flanker99]

Hello to all,

I have been a member of this forum for 6+ years now. I feel privileged to be part of this forum where a variety of non-automotive topics are discussed. I never imagined that I will be starting one such thread; moderators please do feel free to merge this in any other related / suitable thread.

This post will be about my suspected TIA (transient ischemic attack) episode that I suffered over the weekend and from whose after effects I am yet to recover fully.

I am 38 years old male, non smoker, non alcoholic, gaining weight but not yet overweight. The only ailment I suffer from is asthma. I did get infected by COVID-19 in December 2020, and possibly the Omicron in January 2022 (didn't bother to get tested).

I am a doctor (MBBS) by qualification but I left the field long back and pursued an MBA in finance after which I joined the company in which I have been working since 2013. To describe it; a run of the mill "research and advisory" firm whose claims are far away from the reality. I know I shouldn't bad mouth my source of income but I wanted to just vent my feeling anyways.

Coming to my illness, let me gradually build my story. I will try to be as brief as possible. Most of us employees have been working remotely since early 2020. Work has been very stressful, to put it politely. Long working hours, demanding clients, even more demanding bosses, slacking juniors (some not all) and the whole lot (I think most of you in service / consultancy will be aware of what I am trying to get at). Our company has been severely impacted by attrition (which is now being kept tightly under wraps) and the impact has been on the remaining team members (especially the sincere ones) who have to make up for the absence of others.

Most of the stressed out people in our company choose to leave since they were so burnt out. Some of us (including yours truly) soldiered on. My reasons were my commitment to my 3 years old kid and my housing loan; also I am only earning member of my family. It's difficult for me to articulate the stress I experienced. So let me just give some examples. Few months after Lockdown 1.0, I was so anguished over a bad client review and the antics of my non-performing junior that I contemplated ending my life. I recall that day as one of my darkest; uneasiness in chest and a cold clammy feeling all over. Felt utterly helpless and miserable. Luckily, I gathered the courage to speak to my boss who allowed me to take the day off. Thankfully the "ending of life" feelings never returned after that. But the episodes of stress still persisted - February 2021 (chest pain which resulted in a visit to the hospital; had to undergo the stress test to make sure my heart was in order. Normal results); September 2021 (another instance of chest pain; this time it was so bad that I ended in the ER; again normal results). In between there were several instances of severe stress (triggering factors mainly being work overload, long working hours and near misses of project timelines; all topped with the shenagians of a over demanding boss) which I endured only by thinking of my family commitments.

All this came to a head in the week beginning 6th of February. The week prior to that was already quiet miserable. Also my back ache (injury suffered due to a fall in late 2021) had resurfaced one month back and was adding to my misery. During the early part of the week (probably Monday / Tuesday) I noticed an odd sensation in my right arm when I had just begun work. It felt a bit weak / light. I disregarded it and it sort of went away after sometime. The week was nothing extra ordinary. Friday came and I was completely burnt out. I just wanted the day to be over. I logged out around 9pm (daily 11-12 hour shifts are normal; I always lock myself in my spare bedroom so I really work sincerely for those many hours 🙂; missed lunch breaks are also nothing new). Around 9.30pm I was having my dinner when I got a message from a US based sales team member who wanted to have a chat with me. I left my dinner mid way thinking that it will be quick. But it wasn't. This guy started biting my head off over a simple matter (all we - my boss and I, had asked him to do was to fix a call with a prospect). I tried explaining to him patiently the reasons behind us wanting a call. But this guy kept pushing back (he used these words himself - I want to push back on your request). I started feeling helpless and hopeless. It was around 9.45pm that I started to tell him something but I felt utterly confused. I had the thoughts in my mind but the words coming from my mouth were weird (broken sentences, improper grammar). This guy on the other hand was cutting no slack. He had started saying that he didn't want to start any argument and such things. Scared that my words were being misinterpreted, I told him that I was unable to carry on the conversation and that I will get back to him on the coming Monday after discussing with my boss. On hearing this he took a U turn and said that he will fix up this call and apologised for doubting our (boss and me) logic. The whole call lasted around 25 minutes or so; the 25 minutes that changed my life.

I felt weird after the call. Completely helpless, sad that I couldn't even have a peaceful meal with my family. I felt so bitter that I just wanted to just throw away the remainder of my meal. But I ate it (all alone) after my Mom pleaded with me, and after sometime tried to go to sleep. It must have been 10.30-10.45pm and I was in bed. My wife was trying to put our kid to sleep. I started feeling a weird sensation all over the right hand side (RHS) of my body (head to toe). My arm and leg starred feeling cold, numb and heavy. I was able to move them, but somehow they felt alien, as if they didn't belong to me. Scared, I went to see my Mom first. She started panicking. I went to my office (spare bedroom) and lay down on the bed for some 15-20 minutes. My Mom wanted me to go to the ER but I refused. I thought it was only a panic episode and would go away (I also didn't want to waste time and money in the hospital only to be handed a "normal" test result). I then went to my bedroom and my Mom told me wife about this. This resulted in both of them having another panic round. Tired and sleepy, I told them (actually lied) that I was feeling better and all was ok now. Got up at my usual time on Saturday and went about my routine stuff. But all the time I was worried about the persisting symptoms. I kept lying throughout the day when I asked if I was feeling ok.

Sunday morning saw my wife and kid depart to my in-laws at Thane for a ceremony. My parents and I were to depart in the evening. Before that I felt like taking my car to the petrol bunk and it's then that I realised the seriousness of the problem. I drive a manual transmission car. Usually my right hand is on the steering and left hand on the gear shift. During this short ride things felt super odd. I just wasn't getting the usual feedback from my right foot. The dexterity was completely gone. I just couldn't estimate the extent to which I was depressing the accelerator. This resulted in the engine over revving couple of times. Similarly the right arm felt super stiff and numb. I panicked and returned home. I went to the bathroom mirror and tried making faces. That's when I realised that my right side of face was looking different from the left side (muscle creasing was less pronounced; atleast I saw things that way). Feeling super panicky I approached my Mom. Told her the truth and those words "I think I am experiencing a stroke". Luckily calm thinking prevailed and all 3 of us (parents and me) went to the ER a 20 minutes drive away. The good doctors initiated the stroke protocol immediately. I was preped and wheeled into the MRI within 15-20 minutes of my arrival. The sight of my Mom standing in the ER next to me with her eyes closed and hands folded (as if in prayer) will be etched in my memory for rest of my life.

Thankfully the MRI showed nothing (I did some reading over the next few days and I came to know that TIAs do not necessarily show signs of brain damage in MRI / CT; some good doctors on this forum may be better positioned to throw some light on this). I was still kept under observation for close to an hour and then discharged with a prescription for Ecosprin and Gabapin. I was asked to followup with the neurologist the next day on an urgent basis; which I did. The neurologist went through my file; listened patiently to my past history (especially the 2 instances of chest pain); my existing complaint and my Mom's version of my work-life balance. He told me that I have been extremely lucky all this while. My perfectly healthy blood tests and absence of vices have saved me so far. But I should not push my luck any further. Stress is the key factor behind all these 3 episodes and I should now seriously think of changing my lifestyle before it was too late. I have been asked to continue with the Ecosprin for next 1 month. I have also been prescribed an anti depressant / anti anxiety pill and a multi vitamin; both of which need to be taken for month. I need to visit the neurologist after 1 month to decide the future course of treatment.

As of now, I am on leave of absence from work (still plan to rejoin by next Tuesday). The symptoms still persist. Other than the numbness and perceived lack of strength in my extremeties I am experiencing a clumsy feeling in my fingers. To elaborate - I can eat a roti reasonably well, but find it very weird while using a spoon; feels as if I will spill the contents. I had opened my office laptop to send out an email and I found it awkward to use the mouse; hovering the cursor over a word and typing felt super odd. I find it difficult to articulate my symptoms, but overall it fells as if I am learning to do certain things for the first time in my life. My days are spent sleeping (not sure if it's the medication which is resulting in such drowsiness), enjoying my kid's antics and trying to watch some TV shows. I am a person who enjoys his morning walks. However walking is proving to be very exhausting; it seems as my right arm and leg are getting more exhausted than the left. I am still going to keep pushing myself physically so that I get better in next few days / weeks.

So that's all folks. This incident was a valuable learning lesson for me. After my chest pain incidents I felt like an idiot (nothing coming up on test results, money getting "wasted"). Little did I know that ignoring them will lead to such a day. I also wonder if things would have been different had I not had that late night conversation on Friday. I also feel lucky to have a caring family (my wife gave me a dressing down over the phone on Monday morning; and again in-person that evening when she returned home &#129315.

I know, some of you might feel that I am unnecessarily getting all worked up; that I should be lucky to even have a job during these last 2 years. I respect everyone's thoughts and opinions; we live in a democracy, don't we?

In the end, I hope my experience can be of value to some of you out there; especially the ones whose work day is similar or worse than mine. "Be the change you want to be" - this is the moral of my story (as per me). I don't expect my external environment to change; I will need to adjust.

Thank you all for reading. Drive safe!

PS: Mods, please ignore the typos, I am writing this on a mobile device.

[JReacher13]

Thank you for sharing. Eye opener for me. I work in the same sector and coincidentally I share similar work habits and infact typing this quick reply in between long work marathon. Lots of things to absorb here. I'll read through again in a fully aware state and make some changes in my work style.

Once again thank you for sharing and I am very glad that you are recovering and hope a great health ahead.

[Electromotive]

Sorry to hear about your unfortunate predicament, thanks for sharing.

While I can only sympathize, I will be bold enough to leave some unsolicited advice. Here goes:

You are killing yourself, and for what? No amount of money is worth death or worse - a life trapped in your own body and being a burden on your family. If you are this stressed about your job, let go or stop caring. Being the good, responsible boy rarely pays off, especially in the Indian work culture. If you are surrounded by incompetent people or slackers don't be the dumb good boy or you will end up shouldering everyone's responsibilities, and superiors and juniors will mock you for it. For this is the culture we have.

Most of the stress you feel is of your own making. You need to let go and let life play out. Do only as much as contractually required and no more. Never forget that your employer will only do for you what they are contractually obligated to do.

Workout and exercise to reduce stress, fast often and don't take crap from anyone at work or home. Be ready to say no and hold people accountable, even if it means risking your job. This will actually get you respect. If your company has high attrition, it is a good opportunity to ask for a substantial raise or you too should switch. If your former colleagues can find new opportunities, so can you.

[Chetan_Rao]

Originally Posted by Flanker99

...I am on leave of absence from work (still plan to rejoin by next Tuesday). The symptoms still persist...

We can only take your word for your professional situation (and it seems dire by your description), but if you can afford a sabbatical at all, please for the love of your own existence, take one.

Even if you put sentiment aside and want to look at it with cold practicality, you're no good to anyone dead or disabled.

Work can wait, finances can be rearranged and/or renegotiated, hardship can be fought & overcome as long as you're still standing and capable, but irreversible damage to your own well-being isn't something you can walk back, however much you want and try to later, assuming you're left capable of trying at all.

If you still think you can 'manage' this in parallel with the lifestyle that caused it, I'm not sure you've learnt the lesson you appear to think you have.

[Rachit.K.Dogra]

Originally Posted by Flanker99

Hello to all,

This post will be about my suspected TIA (transient ischemic attack) episode that I suffered over the weekend and from whose after effects I am yet to recover fully.

Thank you for sharing your experience with us. I actually did have a stroke (Doctor told me that if symptoms last more than 24 hours, it can be categorized as stroke). I am 37 right now and this happened 3 years back. I don't think I had a particularly stressful job at the time, but I used to do evening shifts. I am a smoker and have a young kid at home, who, well lets put it politely, keeps us on our toes. But I don't have a good sleeping cycle. I sleep in stages and mostly during the day.

About to log off from work at 12 mid night, about to head for the last smoke and I started feeling my head was spinning as if I was drunk. I asked my colleague to wait for 5 mins, thinking that the feeling will go. But it persisted and I was not having very clear vision. Long story short, there was some misalignment in the coordination of movement of both my eyes. You can say mild squint or maybe when I had to move eyes fast, it would take me time to focus on things. Thought it was temporary, resisted all colleagues advice to go to hospital and somehow slept. When the problem persisted in the morning is when I got worried and went to the doctor. I was told it was a brain stroke, because of infarct (dead brain cells) in the area that manages vision in body. Couldn't get to exact root cause, but could be stress, could be smoking, could be some clot roaming in my blood system (which we couldn't find even after 5-7 rounds or MRIs and MRAs). On blood thinner for life now.
It took me 2-2.5 months for my vision to be totally normal (thankfully).

But more importantly it made me ask a lot of questions about life. In the last 3 years, I have thankfully been able to change a few things, but it is not an easy journey and takes time. I am still not where I want to be, but I think, I am chugging along in that direction.

To keep it simple, what did you do today to make yourself happy. It could be as small as playing a game with your kid to buying a new bike for yourself.

I personally have set a goal for getting into reading books a bit. I focus on things I can do, and not stress on things I can't.


CHEERS!!

Rachit

[subraiyr]

Thank God you had the courage and quick thinking to consult and get a diagnosis and start treatment. A lot of times, all of us disregard these signals that our body sends and continue to immerse ourselves in work. However, tough work is please don't sweep these under the carpet. It's our body's way of saying - "Hey Buddy, I am tired, give me a break"

As far as work goes, I will wax a bit of philosophy and some amount of so-called nonsense. To me all of this makes sense and given the fact that being an Indian it is my birthright to give advice, whether solicited or not.

All of us work for only 3 things in life.

1. Basic sustenance
2. Adding material - Assets, materialistic pleasures, etc
3. For passion

Of these, the second one is probably the toughest one to handle. As our salary increases our need for achieving greater things in life increases. I am including myself in this circle as well. For e.g. I have a car and I want to buy another one even though I work from home and will do so in the near future. Even the smallest of things e.g. I have 4 different aftershaves. Not to trivialize the wants and desires, but at times we just go on a binge. We have lost the art of living within our means and therein lies the problem. I am not saying don't be ambitious, but more importantly, be content with what you have. As we increase our debts our necessity to burn the midnight oil increases and we are bogged down by working with pushers and shovers.

I would definitely urge you to take some time off to get your health back and more importantly introspect. What is it that you really really want from life? Is it that latest iPhone 15 for which you have to probably give up your kidneys or is it that one hour of playing football with your child and imparting them with life skills so that they can be a better version of their parents and themselves.

[am1m]

Thank you for sharing your experience, this will help a lot of us.

On the medical treatment side of things, I'm sure one of the several awesome and helpful docs on the forum will help. Plus, with your basic medical qualification am sure you will know better.

But on the job-related side of things, I can certainly say that no job is worth this sort of stress. Several red flags like this indicate you should be looking out for a different job at a company with a better work culture and where you can have a better work-life balance:

Originally Posted by Flanker99

Most of the stressed out people in our company choose to leave since they were so burnt out. Some of us (including yours truly) soldiered on.

There is no need to feel guilty about prioritizing your health. Especially since you have a family to think about. Basic good health (physical and mental) first, everything else will fall into place.

Originally Posted by Flanker99

I know, some of you might feel that I am unnecessarily getting all worked up; that I should be lucky to even have a job during these last 2 years.

Not at all. True, we are indeed lucky to have jobs and several people have lost their livelihoods the past 2 years. At the same time that is no reason to slog away at something that is affecting you this badly and no reason to not seek out something less stressful.

I've experienced what it means to shift from a job with unnecessary stress (though it was nothing compared to what you have described) to one where I'm still working hard and productively but without the stress from unnecessary overheads. And it has made a world of positive difference.

Good luck and speedy recovery!

[pandey.jai]

I wish you well and hope you rest and relax (mentally) in your time off. Try to turn it off mentally after work and spend time with your family as much as you can.

If there is one thing that Covid has taught me, then that would be the fact that we are replaceable to the companies/organizations that we work for, but not to our families.

I came to this realization when one of my close work friends lost his dad to Covid. His dad was unwell for two or three weeks prior to his eventual death. All this while, my friend kept joining calls late in the evening, spent time working his butt off during the day and only really spoke to and spent time with his dad between 9am - 11am (people working with US counterparts will know that this is the real “me time” we get).

Eventually after his father’s death, when I spoke to my friend, he kept sobbing and saying how he wished he could spend a few more hours with his dad.

This hit me hard- all the work he did in the weeks prior to his dad’s death was but a drop of water in the ocean for the company. To my friend, it was time he will never get back, ever again!

It’s been 3/4 months since this incident and I’ve started to take my foot off the pedal at work. It doesn’t mean I’m slacking off or cruising. All it means is I’m making some time for me. Yes the late evening/night calls are still a thing but I now take time before those calls to have dinner and spend time with my family - even a short 20 minute break feels rejuvenating (earlier it was zero break time and dinner after the calls).

I’m feeling slightly more relaxed now and these few minutes that I’m giving myself are helping me a lot and my company is chugging along just fine.

[Samurai]

Stress is the biggest killer...

But what causes the stress? It is primarily job and personal issues (finance or marital or medical).

Let's take the job aspect, because that is somewhat in our control. Or is it? How many of us can reject a high paying job for lesser stress? How many of us think "what are the expectations" when offered a crazy salary? How many of us think "what am I giving up" while demanding huge hike during job change or simply to stick with the current job?

Let's not kid ourselves. If a company pays too much, they expect to own all your time and energy, irrespective of your physical and mental condition, and irrespective of your family and health needs. There might be exceptions in some product companies that have too much money. But in service companies, if you are getting a high pay, the customers are also paying highly for your services. Then not only your employer, even your customer will think he/she owns all your time and energy. This is a Faustian bargain, where you unofficially signed away your freedom for boat load of money.

I work in an unfunded startup, so we don't have much money. So we don't pay high salaries. As a result, I never feel I own all the time/energy of my team. If I have some question after hours, I am willing to wait until next business day for the answers. Same goes for my customers. They don't pay me enough to be at their beck and call. So they too wait until next business day for answers. As a result, none of us have much stress related to everyday work.

[Flanker99]

Thank you all fellow bhpians. Each and everyone of you.

I read through each post and learnt something. Most of the things were not entirely new to me; I only had trouble acknowledging them before.

I won't say that I have changed overnight; but this time I am willing to take the initiative. Like one of the esteemed members said, I am no good dead or disabled.

As suggested by one esteemed member, I went ahead and informed my mangager and HR SPOC that I want a month long leave; this time I didn't specify any joining date. Working backwards from such deadlines was only adding to my anxiety and fears. I also went ahead and told them that I plan to delete all work related apps (messaging and email) from my phone so that I can switch off as completely as possible. Also set the auto reply on my work email account.

I don't know how the above will be taken. TBH, I am trying not to care as well. Enough being a "good boy". If even after serving this company for 9+ years I still need to prove my worth then maybe I am in the wrong place. Who likes being taken for granted anyways.

To clarify, I don't mean to become a slacker. Far from it; I am willing to work even harder and even longer hours if I can derive happiness and a sense of satisfaction / achievement at the end of my working day / week. That's not the case currently. This job has become more of a means to achieving material goals, some of which such as roti, kapda and makaan are essential; and then some more.

God willing, and with me putting in the necessary efforts, I hope to come out of this phase even stronger.

Feels wonderful to be part of such a supportive community.

[R2D2]

Originally Posted by Flanker99

In the end, I hope my experience can be of value to some of you out there; especially the ones whose work day is similar or worse than mine. "Be the change you want to be" - this is the moral of my story (as per me). I don't expect my external environment to change; I will need to adjust.

Gosh! Thank God you got away relatively easy. My first thoughts were you are too young at 38 to be experiencing this but I guess it's a sign of the times. Please make sure you time off to de-stress, you're a doctor and are well qualified to take care of your health. My mother was a stroke victim and suffered from its aftereffects for the rest of her life. Take this very very seriously. You received multiple warnings from your body and the next episode may be disastrous. Wish you all the best. Take care.

[Chetan_Rao]

Originally Posted by Flanker99

...
...I went ahead and informed my mangager and HR SPOC that I want a month long leave; this time I didn't specify any joining date. Working backwards from such deadlines was only adding to my anxiety and fears...

Glad to hear that. We've all been there, feeling like we're wasting time every moment we aren't hustling to 'achieve' something external and tangible, forgetting and ignoring that achieving some peace of mind and wellness of body is worth it, in and of itself.

Wanting to be productive and wanting to care for oneself doesn't have to be an either/or choice. Kudos to you for taking what could be a life-changing break from a vicious cycle.

[Altocumulus]

Glad to know you are feeling better now.

Workload and stress are absolutely two different things in my opinion. More than the extended hours what you are worried more is the repercussions, feedback, performance, etc.
For your sake and definitely for the sake of your child and family, you need to move out of this company soon. Take your time and look for another job. Also if possible, take a holiday during this break, chill at Goa. Also I would say, connect with a stress counsellor. T

[igemini]

Thanks a lot for sharing and I'm glad that you are okay. Infact, this is an eye opener for people like us.

I went through similar situations like yours in the past. Work stress along with personal troubles put me in difficult situations and I had to take the stress test too to find out the condition of heart. Like you said, I was also committed to the work mainly due to the commitments that I had with my children and to pay my home loan. Being a single father, there were no one to look after me other than my mother who isn't at her best of health. I was troubled, having sleepless nights for years even with Alprax and at night I used to wake up feeling suffocation. Irregular heartbeat and whenever I go to see the doctor everything seems normal other a high cholesterol level.

But I was realising that I'm losing my happiness and also my life for the sake of job and to my commitments. On top, I was also pissed off with the fact that, even though I work with the company for closely 15 years and reached a higher level possible, yet their attitude towards me at times were pathetic. But I was worried, what will I do to pay my debts and how to get a job in these times.

One fine day, I had some arguments at work and I don't know how I did but I told the board of directors that I quit and left the job as it is. That created a turmoil and after a couple of days I also felt it's not right to leave just like that. So I worked with them for one more month and handed over everything how it supposed to be. I must say that was the most stress free one month I had in terms of job.

Finally I left, without any clue. But I knew that I would be able to find out something. I enjoyed the life with my children for the next 1 month, did a lot of travel and also did nothing but stay with my children. Gradually I got some freelance works in a field which I was not an expert at. Yet I was able to complete it perfectly. Invested my time and efforts and me being my boss, I realised how good it is. It's true the money I make isn't as much as my previous job. But I am more relaxed and more than everything, I tend to share quality time with my children. I'm not yet recovered from my stress issues fully but it's far better and I'm working towards clearing it off for good.

[aargee]

Sharing an incident from my old company (which was indeed very good company to work for as they took care of employees/staffs very well)

This happened somewhere during 2006, where we got to hear that one of our employee demised. Most of us were in shock because he was barely 28 or 30, that's all. The reason for the death was stated as brain hemorrhage.

How did this happen? Looks like his daily routine was, wakeup, office, breakfast, work, smoke, work, lunch, smoke, work, smoke, snack, smoke, work, dinner, smoke, work, go-home, watch football, sleep & then repeat!! Most weekends were at office + work + smoke

So one Friday, he took off from work because he couldn't bear anymore with his headache (which was persistent for...God knows how many days), went to Doctor, came back & on Saturday evening got admitted to Ramachandra Medical & passed away on Sunday.

The only survivors were his young Wife & <1 year old little girl; my heart goes to the survivors, just like Red says in Shawshank Redemption - Old life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left, but all the time in the world to think about it!!. Ofcourse, our company paid his family through insurance and something additional - a minute of silence to mourn his death, after which it was business as usual!!

I've come across many such incidents with many leaving their life partners, Parents & even both, but nothing got me to think like this incident. Till this date, I wonder how his family got over, because, they went against both their families & got married with no one to support as well in an entirely new city.

Despite all these, I still get "excited" at work with one negative feedback, one harsh word, one harsh email that disturbs a lot; but learning through hard way that all these have to be put behind & keep moving forward. Psychology helps a lot here to understand what goes in on the other end & most of them attributes to just one feeling; like Flint Sky says in the movie Apocalypto - Deep rotting fear!! Fear is a sickness. It will crawl into the soul of anyone who engages it. It's the same fear that releases adrenaline into our bloodstream; the fear of leaving our comfort zone; the very thought of losing a steady income, fear of not knowing what to do next.

Although I've come a long way by taking a flight instead of putting a fight these days, I'm still struggling to learn how to assert during the hard times despite seeking help with both science & spirituality. I don't know what to tell you, but, you're not alone, we're a bunch of people, just like you are, feeling just the way you do & living just the way you do!!