[armaan_singh]

As you all must have read from the title and it might seem like not a very big deal, but we petrolheads at times are a super passionate bunch and passions come in all forms and figures so here goes.

Prologue : Growing up, I always wanted a dog but was denied one by my folks as is the case in many Indian households, suffice to say I used to be content with the annual visits to cousins who had pets, I would end up spending hours with their dogs and only gave customary greetings to the ones whose house we were visiting. So I had decided that if an when I am independent and get my own home, getting a dog would be on the top of priority list.
The day came and went and I understood that being a single man working in the fast paced corporate life, a dog was simply out of question.


I got married in June of 2019 and me and my wife never really had any pet based conversations (My bad), Towards the end of march this year she went to her folks place for the weekend in another city and the lockdown was announced overnight, Covid was spreading like wildfire and even if it wasn't really, suffice to say its fear and terror certainly was, people were more worried about the social stigma associated with getting Covid more than the disease itself. Anyway with wife out of town and a confirmed work from home policy in place I set out to fulfill the childhood itch, as I now had all the requisites in place ; time, house, and some savings for a rainy day.

I informed my folks and wife about my decision and at the time their only reservation was that they wouldn't be helping out in cleaning after him and the entire onus would be on me, which seemed fair in the first place.

Thus on the 20th of August "Whisky" a 7 week old Beagle puppy was delivered to me at home and he instantly became my bundle of joy, will add some pictures at the end of the post. He was pretty much the size of my palm so yes very small is the word.

Fast forward a couple of months and my wife came over for the first time and she instantly disliked him, she told me then that she had a phobia of dogs as she was bitten by a stray when she was small, on asking why she didn't tell me earlier, she said she felt she was over it, but seeing small little Whiskey brought it all back. Things came to a point where she would sit on the kitchen counter when he was in the same room, and while he was basically just curious and wanted to sniff as do all dogs, she wouldn't have any of it. So yes life became rather unlivable.

Until around a week back when she went to visit her folks again and has this time given me the ultimatum that I need to either give the dog up or else she wont return. I've tried everything in the book right from keeping him on leash to dropping him off at my moms place for some time, but she has said she cant tolerate his presence and wants him out of the house. I've helped try to fight her phobia by containing the dog in my lap to get her accustomed but it didn't seem to work one bit.

So I've come to you enthusiasts with this dilemma on what to do, I cant just give up the dog, anyone who has owned a pet would know that they are no different from your children, the unconditional love they shower forms an inseparable bond especially if you've had them since they were small. But I need to find a middle ground here, because it is indeed extremely stressful to live each day like this, consider it no different than being asked to give up a child just to understand the gravity of the situation.

Looking forward to meaningful suggestions from the community.

[Sreesh1009]

Oh God! He's soo cute! Don't give him away :(
Coming back to the topic, maybe make your wife comfortable by making her pet him or watch Cesar Milans videos on how he makes people comfortable with dogs.

Hope this helps.

[Engine_Roars]

Sigh, I feel bad for all three of you. I would not want to be in your place, I am a dog lover & I have had dogs since my child hood however it became pretty evident I won't be able to keep one after the marriage. It was important for me, I discussed it with her before getting married and she made it pretty clear that she won't live with a dog in a flat so I made peace with it.

I can totally feel & understand what you are going through however you are partly at fault too. You should have taken her in confidence before taking such a big decision. Like you rightly mentioned, dogs are nothing but a family member and you don't get an additional family member without getting everyone on board with the idea.

Apologies, I am afraid I can't think of anything that could be good for all three of you. You have already tried most of the things that one can think of. From where I look at, I see a couple of you getting hurt emotionally at the end of this situation.

I just hope you get to keep him and she comes around. All the very best. If at all you have to give him up, please ensure he ends up at a good place & does not have to suffer any more.

[aditya.bhardwaj]

@armaan_singh - I can feel your pain as I went through the same situation. I am a big dog lover and honestly, the day my first doggie came home, it helped us calm down on a mental level, and eventually, the arguments and fights also came down a lot in the family, as most of the time, my Simba used to bark and intervene in between.

Pets also help a lot mentally to individuals as they act as support.

Coming to your dilemma, it's a very difficult situation ( Don't want to discuss how it ended up for me, but Simba is still with me, and it's been 8 years ).

The best part would be to make your spouse understand and make her fall in love with 'whisky'. That's your best bet. As Sreesh suggested, talk to her about Whisky and show her how dogs give their unconditional love.

All the very best.

[ashokrajagopal]

Originally Posted by armaan_singh

Looking forward to meaningful suggestions from the community.

It would be best for you to talk to a trained family counseling professional and take her advice.
IMHO, this is too public a space to discuss this.

[Red Liner]

She needs a psychologist man. There is something deeper which has not been sorted out which is manifesting this way - her early interaction with the stray. Don't ignore this. No August advice here will help you.

Both of you go see a professional psychologist for counseling. That poor puppy doesn't deserve this. She will be sorted. She cannot live with a fear her entire life. Boost her with positivity to go see a professional and get this out of her system.

I read big rons advice below. I don't agree fully with it. Everything can and should be worked out. You will face much bigger difficulties in the future together. What happens then? Drop everything and run?

Tomorrow it might be you who has to face your insecurities. Keep that in mind.

[bigron]

She does not want one, period! Nothing is changing that and sooner you understand that the better. Also, it is more than mere phobia that she is trying to project. She does not want to work towards keeping it and her phobia is only a small part of her decision. I am assuming you ve had an arranged marriage.

The ball is in your court. I have done cases where couple have separated on far less than this.
Anyhow, since it is her house as much as it is yours, legally she gets a say in too. So you either give the dog away or keep it and face the consequences. She will make it extremely difficult for you if you do plan to keep the mutt.

Your only hope is to find someone she listens to and try to put the point across. That is the only way to deal with a woman adamant on her decision. Find someone that can get inside her head. If not, start looking for a new house for the dog or start looking for a divorce lawyer.

[ninjatalli]

Originally Posted by armaan_singh

Looking forward to meaningful suggestions from the community.

1. You rightly acknowledge that a dog is practically a family member, and by that logic, your wife has an important say in expanding the family. Sorry but the mistake is at your end (making an individual decision instead of joint one) - you will have to acknowledge that as much and as many times as possible. Get ego/anger/dissonance out of it (if there is any part of it).

2. Once you have passed step 1, try to understand how severe is the phobia. Get professional help. Also I'd suggest getting a 3rd person involved - this could be a family member or a close friend (who's opinion is trusted by your wife) who is familiar to dog/pet ownership or has had pets. And by that, accept the possibility of having to lose the dog too.

3. See if you can come to a middle ground. The dog stays in limited rooms/areas that your wife won't spend too much time alone. There will be time spent daily where the 3 of you try to acclimatize better and so on. This won't be easy but she has to agree to this. The downside risk - if she doesn't change her views over time (or agree to go through this process), then it might be better to let go of the puppy now than later.

4. You have to work on step 3 over a l-o-n-g period. It will take time and effort; more on her side than yours. It all will come down to that. I know a friend who's wife was paranoid of dogs when they got married; and now after ~5 years of married life, their family includes a dog and 2 cats. Apparently she's completely smitten by him (the dog, not sure about the friend now). But he worked on this through time - introducing her to friends' dogs, fostering puppies and so on.

All the best in your efforts. The good part? You have an awesome companion to support you Hopefully he runs his magic over your wife much before you do.

Edit: If you get to step 3, also put focus and efforts on training your dog by professionals. Your wife has to see that he's controllable and responds to instructions. The 'dogs will do what dogs do' attitude won't work in your situation.

[AMG Power]

I do not see your wife changing her attitude and the more you insist the situation will worsen and her dislike of dogs would increase.

There are several dog lover forums where folks put up pet dogs for adoption by another dog loving family as they may be relocating or unable to care for the dog. Your dog would get the equivalent amount of love that you shower on it if it is adopted by another dog loving family. You could do a check on the family that is adopting the dog to doubly satisfy yourself.

As mentioned in an earlier post, you are at fault here for playing around with the life of the dog and creating problems for your wife.

Keeping the dog any longer will worsen situation for all three of you.

[armaan_singh]

As an update, I guess everyone didn't read the full thing, but I did in fact discuss this with my wife and at that time her only concern was cleaning up after him, which she had said she wouldn't want any part off to which I happily agreed, the phobia part was only disclosed after their first meeting.

About the other suggestions, I'd like to add that its reached the point where she clearly stated that she will come home next when the dog has left PERMANENTLY. So that ship has sailed.

For now the only thing that comes to mind to me, is that I get a bigger house, I am currently renting a 2 Bedroom apartment, and I am contemplating moving to an independent house with a yard, and well as suggested by my wife that I should get railings etc installed on the Bed/sofas etc to prevent him from jumping on.

The reality of the matter is he is just curious to take a sniff and he will that its a human and he anyway lays off humans as his primary interest is in food, I Have gone as far as holding him on leash while he sniff her just once just so she know he doesn't mean any harm but it was turned down. It absolutely breaks my heart and I couldn't get rid him just like that. He is family and you cant just kick family out in one instance.

[poloman]

The whole episode shows lack of mutual understanding and consultation which you need while taking critical decisions after marriage. The poor dog became a victim of this unfortunate situation. Many spouse can take this to 'dog important for you than me' kind of thinking and from this a return is very difficult.

That said as many members pointed out, dogs can melt strongest of the hearts. Just need to keep the marital egos and expectations out of the picture.

If she can't cope up even after a honest try, just give him up for adoption. He will be more happy getting adopted to another loving family than stuck with a hostile person for the entire life.

[Lone Ranger]

Firstly, my deepest sympathies to you. I can well imagine the agony you must be going through. I am a dog lover myself, I have two desis, and my wife and I also try and do our bit to help animals in need. What I have to say might not be what you want to hear, but unfortunately, we see a lot of dogs being abandoned because of this very reason i.e one or the other family member objects to its presence. I don’t want to go off on a tangent, but some of the cases we’ve seen are truly heartbreaking-for example, very recently a dog was abandoned in our society, the driver was asked to do it while its primary carer (the man of the house) was away on work. Since your wife has such a strong aversion/fear, just convincing her will not work, and could very well lead to other fights/issues, which is the last thing you want.

Your best bet is to get this puppy rehomed. Since it is a beagle, and a puppy, it will be relatively easy (as compared to trying to get desis a home). You can then try and sort out your wife’s fears and apprehensions at a pace that will work for her. I wish I could tell you that you can do that with the puppy under your roof, but just from the things I have seen, I feel your chances are limited. You will also have to keep in mind that it won’t be a happy home for the dog either. Please feel free to pm me if you want any support, I also live in delhi.

[aaggoswami]

Never had pets, but my uncle and relatives love to have dogs. My uncle and cousin still have a dog, one dog died fighting a snake in village house. Their love and consideration is amazing. And its two way, dog loves family members, and family members love dog. Am really scared of that large dog they have since a few years now, so always call them in advance whenever I reach their premises ask to have that large dog leashed.

Coming to your concern, my single one line take is "Love is Unconditional". Ask your wife to become relaxed and trust the dog and have faith in you with respect to the dog.

If I were in your place, honestly, I would not let the dog go away. As you have compared the dog/pet as a child, IMO, letting go of that pet is like disowning a child. Try to show some positives also about having pets. Lots of youtube videos showing how dogs protect infants and also the family.

[bblost]

Based on my experience of being married for over 16 years, my suggestion to you is simple.

Put an advertisement in FB etc to find a new home for the cute dog.

[poloman]

Originally Posted by aaggoswami

Coming to your concern, my single one line take is "Love is Unconditional". Ask your wife to become relaxed and trust the dog and have faith in you with respect to the dog.

This is a highly problematic argument. The dog was not there before marriage. After marriage every decision should have been taken after proper consultation and building of trust. She can also very well argue that love is unconditional and drop the puppy for me.