[The Observer]

Originally Posted by Aditya

A Team-BHP Fan would like to share this anonymously:

It is encouraging to see people open up about their emotions and stress arising out of strained relationships. This is the very first and essential step to recovery.

Everyone has their unique coping mechanism to deal with stressful situations, but, when stress gets to a point where coping mechanism fails, trauma starts. It is very crucial to understand this.

I hope the OP is aware that via this forum he would not really get "solutions" and should only consider the various inputs as only "points of view". Each and every mind/relationship is unique and a problem to the same will require a tailored solution.

The OP should strongly consider and seek "professional" counselling or therapy along with his wife or atleast on his own, where trained folks help you deal with this in a healthy and sustainable manner.

You will get through this and come out stronger/better, my friend.

[download2live]

One potential difficulty here will be in getting the spouse to the professional counselling. People who need it most are the ones who will try to avoid it the most. Most of the times they will blame others to be having issues and not themselves.

That is why counsellers always invite both partners together for counselling. Even with that it is a big ask to get the person needing counselling to actually see the professionals.

[ajayc123]

Agree. Acceptance of a problem is the first step towards finding the solution, and is hard to acknowledge. Quite similar to old age people who deny need for mobility support, and end up with an injury.

[paliontile]

Sad to see people post their opinions on the OP’s partner after hearing only one side of the story. Since the OP asked for help, seeking professional help is a good one. But if the partner is not willing initially, it is ok. You can still go alone for starters and you will be able to find some peace and maybe the will to fight for your relationship along with it. Remember all the good things that led you to this relationship!

[ksakotai]

Originally Posted by Aditya

A Team-BHP Fan would like to share this anonymously:

He should quickly consult an experienced and licenced therapist. Only the latter can advise on couples therapy or any other course of action. It helps to see someone and put forth one's own view of the situation before addressing both parties' issues together.

[silverado]

Originally Posted by Aditya

A Team-BHP Fan would like to share this anonymously:

1) Stay separately in different house but in nearby area to your parents.
2) Seek counselling
3) Plan for a baby as suggested by someone in earlier thread, that will resolve most of the issues for her as well as between both of you.

[nidhikapoor]

Originally Posted by Gannu_1

Dude, have a baby; all your existing worries would be sorted. (:

No really, I am not kidding. Both of you sit down, plan, go to a nice place, have fun and see what happens. You'll have more important things to attend to, leaving aside petty issues and arguments.

Don't think of it as bringing a baby into all these troubles. From what I gather from the instances you've quoted, most of them are trivial.

I think this thread is terrible. So much wrong and downright absurd 'advise' being casually dished out, for people who are seriously ill.

This have a baby I think tops the list.

[Linuskm]

Let me throw my little perspective on this subject. As per learned saints we do have two worlds one in internal which we build ourself as per the desires we have and then we have the external world which is real. Trouble arises as long as both these worlds are not in sync, and this gives rise to anxiety, disappointment, anger, down syndrome , depression etc. Typically in that order based on how strong your desire is.

There are many lessons to be learned from Bhagavad gita. One of them is perform karma which means do work as if you are employed by God for his work and do not expect that results will be as per your wish. Of course living in this era and age very difficult to detach ourselves from the current state of things.

The best thing for OP will be to consult professional help and help the concerned person with a new purpose of life. Hopefully this will give new hope and meaning to life.

Cheers

[nickatnite]

Originally Posted by nidhikapoor

I think this thread is terrible. So much wrong and downright absurd 'advise' being casually dished out, for people who are seriously ill.

This have a baby I think tops the list.

I agree. I think that due to the harsh life, onerous social burdens, financial crunches and many more stresses the entire subcontinent suffers from permanent depression and with no counseling services in schools , colleges and work places people overcome this depression by indulging in the easiest and inexpensive pastime which is eating and making babies. What else could answer for this ginormous growth in our population since independence?.

The saving grace is that this pastime depletes energy levels and that's why you don't see mass shootings like we see in many advanced nations.

[V.Narayan]

Originally Posted by nidhikapoor

I think this thread is terrible. So much wrong and downright absurd 'advise' being casually dished out, for people who are seriously ill.

This have a baby I think tops the list.

This thread has several posts with very balanced, sensible, practical, advice including posts on personal experiences and of dealing with mental health issues of family members. IMHO this entire 15 page thread cannot be labelled in this dismissive fashion just because one did not agree with a few posts.

After having dealt with mental health issues at very close quarters within my family for well over two decades* I welcome these discussions on taboo subjects as this sort of discussion should be brought out to the fore. And if a member expresses an impractical view or one born out of ignorance then at least I would rather address the gap with compassion rather than a haughty dismissal. For compassion is the first step in dealing with and stabilizing loved ones with mental health issues.

*See post #29

[mygodbole]

Originally Posted by V.Narayan

I would rather address the gap with compassion rather than a haughty dismissal. For compassion is the first step.

Well said. We all focus on the symptoms and the effects.

Can we figure out a way OUT of these issues?

Different minds process things differently. All stem from attachment. And The Buddha says: "Attachment leads to pain". Compassion is Step 1.

A different point of view is almost always seen as 'opposition' rather than a different perspective.

This conversation is like that. Friends, focus on what can be done to solve this specific issue.

I am afflicted with depression, but always, so far, have succeeded in overcoming it and finding a new way forward. I have found it simpler to focus on the positives, rather than obsess on the negatives. Mods, please forgive, how many of us were initially disappointed by NOT getting in into Team-BHP?

Her Highness just says I love driving into the distance and she says it helps me find focus and solutions. I agree on the 'solutions' bit. Petrol prices are a worry.

Talking about things that worry us helps. Talk to your car/bike/tree/whatever.

[nidhikapoor]

Originally Posted by mygodbole

Mods, please forgive, how many of us were initially disappointed by NOT getting in into Team-BHP?

Her Highness just says I love driving into the distance and she says it helps me find focus and solutions. I agree on the 'solutions' bit. Petrol prices are a worry.

Talking about things that worry us helps. Talk to your car/bike/tree/whatever.

I'm sorry but if you equate not getting into tbhp with depression, you have no idea about what real depression is.

Originally Posted by V.Narayan

And if a member expresses an impractical view or one born out of ignorance then at least I would rather address the gap with compassion rather than a haughty dismissal. For compassion is the first step in dealing with and stabilizing loved ones with mental health issues.

*See post #29

I'm sorry, the forum members are supposed to be at least reasonably educated? Then they make absurd statements? They should be called out. Besides, the entire issue of mental health needs to be addressed by professional help, not by random advise on an internet forum, leave alone on a car forum.

For example see post number 3. The guy has no clue about mental illness and its causes, and the post is downright insulting to pts of mental illness.

EDIT: And, I see now your extremely sensible reply to that post. Am slowly going thru the entire thread.

[bblost]

Originally Posted by nidhikapoor

I'm sorry but if you equate not getting into tbhp with depression, you have no idea about what real depression is.

I have actually been thru a lot of sessions with a Psychiatrist to help me with my biggest villain..Anger.

One thing that lady made me realize was that there is nothing called real depression or fake depression.

What can cause depression in one may have absolutely no impact on the other.

Understanding this was a key in bringing me to a much safer space.

So I humbly request you to understand that while something like forum membership may be an extremely trivial thing for you, for someone else it might be huge.

[androdev]

Originally Posted by nidhikapoor

Absolutely wrong, and, insulting to people suffering from depression.

I received enough flak for this two year old post of mine back then.

I struggle to accept that mental illness particularly depression and suicidal tendencies won't come down (statistically at least) if parents, siblings, teachers, spouses, friends and employers have compassion and love for those who are vulnerable from early days of childhood. To say relationships have no bearing as it's genetic and predestined is absurd.

It's my belief that as a society, we are heading towards an explosion in terms of mental illness not because of some genetic pandemic but we are becoming a very materialistic society with very unhealthy habits. If you are born tough mentally, it's all good for you and you can deal with any ^%#$ that the world throws at you. This includes your bully brother, a father impossible to please, sadistic teacher, a spouse who treats you like &^$# or a psychotic boss at work. If you are a vulnerable person, you get very little protection and get thrown into the fires of hell.

Prevention is better than cure but cure scales and is immensely profitable.

[digitalnirvana]

Originally Posted by nidhikapoor

Besides, the entire issue of mental health needs to be addressed by professional help, not by random advise on an internet forum, leave alone on a car forum.

The forum, or the Internet rather, brings anonymity. It brings an avenue to open up. And freedom to share without being judged for being "depressed".

We as a country have a serious mental health problem.

We as a country have a serious problem in going to professionals for mental health treatment.

We as a country tend to keep mental health issues under wraps, hoping it will go away, or worse we treat it with derision.

What's the harm if an anonymous TBHP FAN (note they didn't even post from their own handle) asks for advice? Perhaps right now they are reading this thread and seeing tens of people giving them advice or sharing their own experiences. Perhaps this tells them that they are not alone?

If you have really experienced "real depression", then you must know that professionals advise their patients to speak. Speak. Speak. Open up. Even if the person listening is not a professional.

We can all listen. Without judging. We can all be a mirror.

And if that's too much of a burden for some, they can always ignore the thread.