[VijayAnand1]

Originally Posted by kovilkalai

It is a horrendous idea to discuss a topic like this on this forum. I hope the same moderators who read through posts to assess compliance to forum rules take a step back and think about whether a productive discussion can happen with topics like this. For instance, more than a few people seem to think that having a kid is some kind of solution to marital problems. No person who has seen bad marriages would come close to recommending this. Now, how does it help the person seeking help when one gets diametrically opposite recommendations. Some kind of confirmation bias will come into play and they will end up doing what seems to confirm their own opinions.

Get professional help! Don't discuss these topics in forums where everyone is an armchair commentator.

Pardon me, but the guy in question perhaps never existed here or even if he did in the first place, the moderators have shared something important. It seems these issues are a dime a too many these days. It isn't easy for anyone worth his salt to open up about the issues he/she's facing. Let's be real, this is a depression thread, and this post deserves all right to be here.

When people open up in forums like these, they do that not because of someone's expert opinions, but writing down has a calming effect of its own. Writing down helps tremendously with depressing thoughts, it makes a soliloquy two-way as opposed to everything pent up inside the mind and making a mess of a person.

The couple definitely need counselling and then rest is what may come but I sincerely wish they finds a reassuring life.

Cheers!
VJ

[nidhikapoor]

Originally Posted by androdev

This whole concept of "alcoholics anonymous" type of "support groups" and medication is borrowed from the west. It is the family and relationships, stupid!

Find me every depressed person and I will show you a failed family/relationship. It's not even career like many people think - the career stuff is often the means through which we want to earn love and admiration of our loved ones. If you are a parent, sibling or child of someone going through depression, let go of your ego/baggage and reach out to that person and let him/her experience unconditional love.

I am not against medication but it's big business and you know what that means. Anything that doesn't make money doesn't get promoted these days. Truth is always buried under several layers of profit-driven misinformation.

Absolutely wrong, and, insulting to people suffering from depression.

[Clayton Crasto]

Originally Posted by kovilkalai

It is a horrendous idea to discuss a topic like this on this forum. I hope the same moderators who read through posts to assess compliance to forum rules take a step back and think about whether a productive discussion can happen with topics like this.

Originally Posted by 2000rpm

Agree, @Mods. I will strongly suggest such topics be moderated differently (maybe, have a thread where people can share but people shouldn't be able to respond).

Both of you guys may have a valid point here, but put yourselves in the shoes of the person who posted about their situation. I mean, before looking for professional help, they must've tried looking up about such scenarios and what people have to say about it. Quora is one such platform full of similar stories. The option of people not being able to respond does not serve the purpose at all, considering that the OP is looking for some suggestions out there.
Trust me, this is coming from a person who is quite depressed himself about a lot of recent issues between my mom and my wife. It isn't easy guys. And it hurts a lot. Especially when you try to balance between someone who took care of you your whole life - and can never abandon - and someone whom you love and is your future.

Originally Posted by VijayAnand1

Pardon me, but the guy in question perhaps never existed here or even if he did in the first place, the moderators have shared something important. It seems these issues are a dime a too many these days. It isn't easy for anyone worth his salt to open up about the issues he/she's facing. Let's be real, this is a depression thread, and this post deserves all right to be here.

+1. I couldn't agree more. When I come across similar issues that I am facing, I sort of feel a bit better knowing that there are several out there with the same problems. The church priest even told me the other day. Every family has issues. Atleast that made me feel that I'm not alone out there going through this.

[ajayc123]

I see this an an example of crowd sourcing. This generates a number of perspectives based on the individuals assessments in their world view and they are making a well intentioned recommendation. The requester can definitely assess the ideas to widen their perspective to hopefully reach a better decision.

[Phantom 510]

It's really very unfortunate of what that person has been going through. I will pray that the person gets a solution at the earliest. Sharing it with proper counsellors would be the best thing to do rather than pouring it out. Ten people would give ten different opinions and that is not going to solve anything as those opinions are based on their personal situations. We can never put ourselves in someone else's shoe in real life. In real life our shoes are all custom made so that it fits only us and not someone else. All of us must go through highs and lows of life which is unavoidable. We need to take responsibility for our achievements as well as our losses equally and get realistic about it. Just make a list of priorities and work accordingly, everything will be just fine. However, while filling out the Team BHP's registration form i clearly remember a clause that said discussing anything apart from automobiles won't be entertained. These are very sensitive issues and should be dealt with accordingly. I am 1000% sure that the concerned person will get his/her peace back soon. I hope i did not offend anyone in the process. Regards.

[Gummybear]

Originally Posted by Aditya

A Team-BHP Fan would like to share this anonymously:

Human have tendency to resist change. In a marriage, mostly it's a woman who faces major change as she is one who moves on from birth family to marriage family. In a sense this change is huge as almost everything changes from family, people, house help, to building, room ,cars and lot more in very short time. So, that's human tendency to resist and push back according to own preferences to feel secure and comfortable.

Meanwhile this is change in boy's family side too but usually they don't see it as change on their end as they are in same setup but with a new member, and expect mostly new member to adapt, this is where conflict starts and husband becomes the rope in this tug of war.

Instead of fighting a war on both ends, husband should act as catalyst to bring adaptation on both sides. To cut off from family and friends is no solution. Understand wife's background and try find common things and talk her to see your family's perspective also. Ask your family members to understand her perspective and ask for support by avoiding things that makes her very uncomfortable. Let there be interaction between wife and family, may be for small duration, but let it happen. Every new engine needs a run-in period, so that friction between parts wears out and engine runs smooth for lifetime, ofcourse there will be breakdowns sometimes, but that's manage able.

As my dad says, utensils will cling and clatter, but then there cannot be a kitchen without utensils.

That's my 2 cents from family life experience, if it helps anyone.

Seek professional help if you feel you are depressed.

[Gannu_1]

Originally Posted by am1m

I can't make out if this was meant to be a joke, but I think this is probably the worst thing that could be added to the mix, right?

Originally Posted by Red Liner

I find it very unsettling that in India we treat all such things as trivial and unsound enough for intervention (not aimed at you Gannu )

Originally Posted by digitalnirvana

Adding a baby doesn't actually solve things. It only amplifies their existing relationship outcomes. If its good already, it'll get better. If it's bad, it'll get worse.

Originally Posted by brohanv

Is it really morally permissible to let a child be thrown in the mix and take damage for no fault of his own?

Guys, sorry if my post came across as offensive or mocking the OP. That was not the intention. I posted that so the baby can serve as a healthy distraction from the ongoing troubles for the two of them.

In this section, we do discuss all sorts of things on the forum to get suggestions from fellow members. I don't see any harm there. Never know what may eventually work so all the collective advices especially from those who've been through these situations are good IMHO. The OP can judge what best works for him and his partner, and plan ahead.

[deehunk]

Originally Posted by Aditya

A Team-BHP Fan would like to share this anonymously:

I read through your lines, the woman in question has problems everywhere with everyone. Only a psychiatrist can help her to overcome her fear or mistrust of other people. She probably likes living alone or with the ones whom she trusts, that man liked her and married her when she was looking for moral support or someone who can replace her mother or sister. This is one side of the story if that man is comfortable with his wife, he had the option to stay with her away from his parents. My gut feeling says he wants to get rid of his wife, so nobody can help such a confused individual without giving a fair trial to the woman in question.

[ajay0612]

Originally Posted by Aditya

A Team-BHP Fan would like to share this anonymously:
.........................I accepted my wife for who she was. She did too, initially. But later, I understood that she thought she could change me for the better and that's the cause of all my problems at present.

We should avoid being judgmental. No need to assign motives. we should deal with behaviour on particular even basis only.

My wife has strong disagreements with my parents - understandable because of my mom's character. She then had problems with my friends - she didn't like the way they teased her. Yes, they were being idiots, but they tried to make amends. For her, I've stopped talking to them or being in touch with them.

You can continue talking with them but don't involve your wife if she is not comfortable.

She has problems with my brother and my cousins pretty much for the same reasons. She thinks they belittle her. It could've been true in some cases as well, I agree. I've argued with my parents and brother on her behalf. I don't talk to them now.

She doesn't seem to have any problem per se but as she herself might be a well organized, ethical, responsible person, she might expect the same from others.
Expectations fluctuate with time and one spends lot of time in evaluative mode.
In evaluative mode, one tend to identify more and more gaps w.r.t. expectations leading to mistrust and heartburn. If we find 90 (good):10 (bad) principle violated, our expectations are unrealistic and should be lowered.
Only thing for her and all of us to understand is: for happy life, we should live without expectations. Be satisfied with present while striving for betterment.

[eyedocgb]

Even as a medical professional and a clinician/surgeon(with more than 20 + years of experience of human behavior),I am neither a psychologist/psychiatrist nor qualified enough to comment on the issue.
Simply put, the couple in question should seek professional help.
Thanks.

[Gildarts]

considering the trauma and insecurity of his wife, OP definitely needs to seek professional help for his wife. Parents dead / unavailable, sister alienated due to failed marriage. His wife is insecure since OP is her only support and she seems to have a need for constant reassurance that he's there for her.
A happy relationship is possible only if his wife accepts him as he is, at least grudgingly.
Also, should keep in touch with his friends, you know, those who tried to make amends. Even if he has to do it behind his wife's back. Just to keep his sanity intact.Being isolated will not help his depression.
If nothing works out, then giving up on the relationship can be considered.

[RGCST]

Mod Note:

Please ALWAYS be civil, polite & respectful to other members, even in debate.

We advise you to read the Forum Rules before proceeding any further.

Thanks for the support & understanding.

[am1m]

Originally Posted by Gannu_1

Guys, sorry if my post came across as offensive or mocking the OP.

Certainly didn't come across as that, nothing like that. I certainly didn't interpret it that way, so nothing to say sorry about. Just to clarify, what I meant by "worst thing to add to the mix", I meant a baby, not the fact about different people giving what advice they think fit. Differing opinions are the best thing about this forum and why we spend so much time here. The OP is of course capable of weighing the different views.

Originally Posted by Gannu_1

I posted that so the baby can serve as a healthy distraction...

But this I think is a real problem in our society. And I understand where this comes from- for generations we've been told children make marriages happy or better or whatever. Whereas I believe (and so do qualified marriage counselors) that it's actually the reverse. Once a couple is sorted in their marriage (emotionally, financially, mentally, happiness-wise) is the time to have a child.

I think that is the only reason so many of us quoted and reacted to your post. It's difficult enough to break out of what passes off as conventional wisdom in our society. A lot of it is simply something passed on from generation to generation and may not even apply today.

[srini4344]

Reading the story seems simple but i understand the trouble he undergoes but at the same time she must also have some issues, Her perception towards you / Society may need to altered.

Better you guys need to talk a lot.

Also approaching professionals may help a lot.

On the whole the decision making which impact both of you needs to be taken carefully.

[navin]

I am no expert on mental illness.

Yesterday a classmate jumped from the restaurant at St Regis (Mumbai). He did not survive the fall. By all accounts, it was pre-meditated. He was suffering from several demons, including depression and bipolar disorder. About 2-3 weeks ago, he had called one of his brothers (who lives in the US) to come to Mumbai as he needed help with his treatment. The brother flew down immediately and took him to see several doctors.

As the rest of us batchmates congregated last night, we realised that Sourabh was our class's 7th suicide (due to depression). Granted, it's been a while since we graduated (Class of 78) but still. 7 out of a class of 150 (approx) is almost 5%. That's a lot of mentally depressed people.