[vredesbyrd]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I’ve been a loner all my life. I did things for others, but never expected anything in return. I knew I was not going to be loved or taken care of. Never was taken care of so didn’t realise what I was missing. I never made friends as I was very bad at small talk.

I have stood at that point once. Alone, with nothing. I guess an entire childhood of being bullied does that to you. But that's not the point here.
I stopped caring at one point and nearly no human interactions (this was years before covid).

I thought if I was going to be alone, might as well have some fun. So I started doing things I like and without the need of human interaction. Swimming, Gaming, Music and so on.
My terrible personality couldn't get me friends, it's these fun things that did and they don't care about my personality anymore and vice-versa. Having a common interest, a slightly uncommon one, will help in the long run.

I'll tell you what interests binds us lads together:
1. Traditional gamers (not PUBG-mobile god gamer idiot types, our country is full of them)
2. Music taste (we can easily get kicked out of an establishment/a party because we listen to good music and not EDM/dance/house/babu bhaiya nachenge types bollywood music - and we're proud of that)
3. We have the same take on animals, space, sci-fi and machines - we love it all
4. We have common hate for certain things in the society (mentioning those will get me lynched )

We come from different backgrounds, regions, religions and the above 4 points bind us like the strong metaphorical glue Tata has never used in their cars (no offence to the owners, of course)

Okay, enough about me. Let's talk about you. I see you are already interested in biking and photography. You've already got ammunition, you just need the right guns to use it.
Howsoever terrible Bangalore as a city may be, there are interesting places in and around it so that you could channel both biking and photography. Look at Dr.AD's travelogues, they'll help you earmark some interesting places.

Just take time off when your profession permits and go on a wild goose chase (with no goose to speak of!). Just hit it off and let google maps help you.
Doing this will keep you busy and clear your head. Who knows, you might pick up new interests like farming, gardening, astrophysics and whatnot?

Keep pushing, try different things. And if nothing works, make friends with four paws and a tail (make sure they are stray because pet ones don't care).
You will see love in their eyes and wagging tails. Nothing brings me more joy than redlining the crap out of a high-revving motor and grabbing a fluffer who bodyslams you out of love because you fed them biscuits.

I see you quoted Bladerunner. You already have a great taste in movies. It qualitatively separates you from the bollywood-infested sheep (no offence) and that's a very good start.

P.S. watch hololive, might bring some peace

[igemini]

Consider this as a part of life. Accept and move on. Probably 5 years down the line, you may laugh over it. I know it's very hard but hiding away and being depressed all the time won't do any good. I presume you are very young at the moment, if so that's why you are feeling this much down. Later in life you'll realise that there are much bigger things to worry about.

Keep your head held high and look ahead. Go for a travel, find new places and engage in something. Be good.

[n33rav]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I’ve been a loner all my life. I did things for others, but never expected anything in return. I knew I was not going to be loved or taken care of. Never was taken care of so didn’t realise what I was missing. I never made friends as I was very bad at small talk. And this anxiety and inability of mine to engage was taken as snobbishness and arrogance by people I thought cared about me. I was not what you would call charming, and I’d come to accept the fact that I would be alone for the rest of my life.

I couldn't comment on your love lose but I related to the quoted text really well. I don't know how the idea came but I gathered some courage and enrolled myself for YHAI trekking trip and went there. It changed my life and attitude completely. You will find people from all age group and all diversity there. They are so welcoming, friendly and caring as well. I felt special amongst them, made many friends, and moreover enjoyed like no where else. Since 2015 started going for at least 1 trek every year, except for 2020. I suggest you to do something like that, once you gather the courage and go out, there is no coming back.

[jeeva]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I'm not on any social media. And this is the only forum I'm registered on. Just thought I'll share few things. I usually go through several threads and I noticed that few of the guides and troubleshooting threads were started almost 14, 15 years ago. And the posts stayed like a record of the individuals contribution. In the end we would all like to be remembered I guess. So thought of just framing this post.

The reason that you are here on T-bhp and not on any social media itself means that you know what you want and you passionate about machines. I too avoid the social media like plague. Travel, find a hobby, if you don't have it already, and start working out. Yoga has helped me a lot. The person whom who loved walking away doesn't mean the end of the world. Her priorities might have been different. Perhaps, in the long run, even if you'd remained together, it might have ended up in much more heart ache for you. Let it go. While I know the pain of letting someone you love go, you don't have a choice here, mate. Clinging onto someone who doesn't value you is like stabbing yourself - won't do anything good other than grief and pain. Your life is worth living - Happily. All of us are alone in this world. We come alone, leave alone, and in between some walk in and some walk out. We don't even know where we came from and where we go back to.

Sending you a PM.

[Slick]

@Fernang,

It takes courage to share this here, well done.

Everything worthwhile on this has already been said by fellow wise BHPians. I would just say heartbreak & loneliness is probably the most common emotion one faces at your age. Talk it out with someone. If true friends are hard to come by at this stage in life, reach out to a brother/ cousin/ uncle/ father and do seek a professional's counsel if it doesn't help.
It's absolutely normal to seek a counsellor's help.


An advice that I have given my junior colleagues/ friends/ family, and which has done them well.

Bide your time, be patient, your time will come and when it comes you'd smile and say I was worrying for nothing.

And don't stop working hard on the things you like. Wish you all the very best.

- Slick

[allinbalance]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I think people want to be remembered if only for a little while after they’re gone. Lastly I’m reminded of a quote from Blade Runner, All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

@Fernang, the fact that you DID share your hurt and emptiness to this forum and to your forum friends - is the evidence I offer you - that you are NOT alone. No one really is. We sometimes feel detached, but that is just a change in the momentary reality.

Blade Runner was poetic - moments are indeed swept past in the passage of time, but what he did not say was that those moments are also remembered.

The fact that you reached out to all of us in this forum and that so many of us reached out to you shows that we care. Just as someone else is out there who will care deeply for you. It could be another person, a place, an animal, a hobby - we don't know yet.

The hopeful part is - to find out, all you have to do - is begin..

[apachelongbow]

Originally Posted by Fernang

. I think people want to be remembered if only for a little while after they’re gone. Lastly I’m reminded of a quote from Blade Runner, All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Just a little attitude adjustment is needed brother. You are too dependant on others reaction. How about changing perspective? Why not practice some wholesome and selfish 'self love'? Whenever you think about it, you must place yourself first, love yourself above everyone else. Once this self love comes naturally to you, you will see how beautiful your life actually is. Remember this: people always admire and back a winner. Losers are shunned by the society. Once you gain your self respect, confidence and make priority for your likes and happiness, watch all kinds of people make time and effort for you.
The difference between success and failure is simply your attitude towards life.

See a counsellor, practice yoga, pickup a sport, help the less fortunate, keep yourself busy with learning, work and progress and believe me, within a year you will sing a different tune. All the best!

[thanixravindran]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I’ve been a loner all my life. I did things for others, but never expected anything in return. I knew I was not going to be loved or taken care of.

Hello Fernang - Allow me to share my personal experience specifically about not expecting anything or reciprocation from others.

I am an introvert myself and hesitate to initiate conversations or friendships or maintain friendships with small chats. There was a period of few years I have lived alone and thought exactly the same like you - I am good, strong willed to live alone, contended with my own limited interests, voracious reading, writing blogs, etc and do not expect anything from others & can live happily live ever after. I have realized this fallacy one day when I read the below words (It was in Tamil and I am translating to English which may not have the same impact).

Imagine you are in a crowded bus stop and a cell phone beeps. Many people will check whether it is their mobile phone. If you are also checking it, you are living in a false world that you don't expect anything from anyone else.

I realized, subconsciously I have done the same. These words felt like a tight slap in the face for me and I am living in a facade of not expecting anything or love from others and I am doing things for others without expecting any reciprocation. I don't know whether it is because of natural shyness or the way you are brought up (conditioned to avoid rejections and wants to live the life in our own terms - I never like being outsmarted by others, I am okay to be cheated if I am aware of it), may be we try to suppress that expectation or longing. I have changed myself a lot since then (still undergoing step changes in several other areas but I am not an extrovert yet). I was taken advantage of for that in the immediate aftermath and was cheated in the name of love but that story is not for public consumption. Let us keep it aside. In your case too, your facade of not longing or expecting reciprocation is breached and did not end well and your mind is not accepting it yet.

For me, it took a day of solitude thinking and deciding my way forward and once the decision is made, it is easy to implement as the intellectual arrogance (ஞானச் செருக்கு) will not allow us to fail. I will not advise any hobbies like pets or travel as I see you are a man of clear conscience going by the way you have written the post. So I will leave a few beautiful movie (Thulladha manamum thullum) song lyrics in Tamil

"தேடல் உள்ள
உயிா்களுக்கே தினமும்
பசியிருக்கும் தேடல் என்பது
உள்ளவரை வாழ்வில் ருசியிருக்கும்
அட பாடல் போல தேடல் கூட ஒரு சுகமே"

Translation: Only those who have expectations in life (searching) will have the hunger to live. Till it is there, life is beautiful. Similar to music, living a life of search is also nice and enjoyable.

Keep searching and live the shared life with the world!!!

PS: Apologies to those who could not read Tamil, I have given a crude translation but I am sure you will all get the essence of the lines easily.

[rijo_tj]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I’ve been a loner all my life.

This might be harsh to hear or you can just jot down this to maybe my non full understanding of your condition in which case you are fully within your rights to correct me.

It seems that you never made any actual efforts to endear yourselves to others. All it seems is that you expected through out your life is for others to care and cater to your behavioural traits but not realising that sometimes you need do to the vice versa. And then came along somebody who catered to these very traits of yours and you felt that as love. Tragically the love was lost, but it seems you never tried to imbibe the essence of that love ( trying to care for others) and is back to your old ways.

Maybe try to be reciprocating of the feelings you expect to receive and maybe you will find a difference somewhere.

Again as i told in the beginning, if there is anything i missed while making this remark, you or anybody else in this forum is more than welcome to correct me or criticise me.

[COMMUTER]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I'm not on any social media.
....

I’ve been a loner all my life. I did things for others, but never expected anything in return. I knew I was not going to be loved or taken care of. Never was taken care of so didn’t realise what I was missing. I never made friends as I was very bad at small talk. And this anxiety and inability of mine to engage was taken as snobbishness and arrogance by people I thought cared about me. I was not what you would call charming, and I’d come to accept the fact that I would be alone for the rest of my life.
...

I was in a similar confusion like you are in a decade ago.

I had spent some time pondering and have arrived at a few conclusions that might help you a bit.

- I am a prosopagnosiac. It is impossible for me to network in any setting. Once I came to know that the reason people suddenly banding together in opining against me is them perceiving themselves to be slighted at in regular interactions. I stated understanding their feeling wronged to be related to that



- This is a trait rather than a disability and I just need to avoid competing with others for things that they feel are their prime achievement. Their achievements are being put on the pedestal by the impetus of others recognizing them to be so. There are achievements for which people are being faulted at or applauded for only based on the amount of networking they have put in at the eyes of the one reacting.



- It would help to great extent to learn the art of subtle aggression to recognize the intentional yet imperceptible efforts being put in, to the make one feel miserable by those who have supposedly got slighted at, for perfecting the defense to stay insulated from the unimaginably well thought out means of those who are at the opposite end of the spectrum in their efforts to mark their territory.



- To make an eye-contact is a challenge since that would incur struggling with not being able to recognize the face for an awkwardly abnormal amount of time. It is needed to consciously be able to decide that eye-contact is for conveying and reading the attitude and amicability of each other.



Beyond this, here is a paradox that constantly gnaws at every single person alive. This paradox involves the efforts everyone puts in to escape the latent pain, greed and fear in the heart.

- The more pleasure one indulges in to cure the pain, the more miserable pained one ends up being.

- The more possessions one amasses to stomp out greed, the more discontented one becomes.

- The more powerful one manages to become through social networking and official promotion, the more they cringe of things that might come upon them which are supposedly beyond their power to tackle.

- I have found it to be logically unassailable to believe that these are the results of sin and, though it might feel illogical because of being intangible, that one must use the free grace of God through Christ who has redeemed us at the cross as the only means to overcome them. This belief paradoxically stomps out the nascent pain, greed and fear in one’s heart.

[OldWays]

Originally Posted by Fernang

can't seem to find a grip on reality after that. It is like there is something heavy crushing your chest but you feel numb at the same time. And I’m now lost and I’m unsure of what to do. I was having lunch a few months back in the school cafetaria and Everything I loved to do, being organised, loving driving and riding , loving to write with fountain pens, learning about things, movies that I loved watching... everything seemed to create resentment. And I’m just tired. I’m just tired.

Felt compelled to respond to this post. I want you to know you did great by opening yourself up and penning down what you felt. A great step forward.

Secondly- Know that you aren’t alone. There are millions exactly like you. That could give you some strength- that you aren’t alone.

I don’t know if others have recommended this, so I am highlighting that simple, yet very effective approach to deal with ANY challenges you might face.

When you get those waves of thoughts that drag you down, you begin to observe those thoughts (as though you are a mere observer). Become aware of your thoughts -THAT IS ALL.

Your brain is already evolved and wired to safeguard you from long term harm. But it just needs some handholding from you. Help your brain to help you out. Pretty soon you will notice that heaviness that you referred to melt away and you are no longer a slave to your thoughts. You will come out way more resilient, ready to take on any challenge.

As with anything, it only works when you practice. Good luck!

[amol4184]

Bhpian deetee has already mentioned, if you are not scared or allergic to animals look for a pet or even volunteer for animal/pet rescue groups.

An animal who unconditionally loves you and shows affection will change your life.

Few stray cats that come to my home and ask for food and scratches on head are some of the best times of the day for me. Whenever I hear them meow at the window, my face immediately lits up.

Trust me, if you don't already have a pet/stray longing for your affection and love, you should try it.

[vellatechie]

The girl I was supposed to marry broke up with me last year and then a month later, out of the blue, my dad passed away due to cardiac arrest. 2021 was the worst year of my life.

Here are some of things that worked for me.
1. Exercise: Spend 60 mins everyday working out. Go for a walk, gym, do whatever.

2. Take Therapy. My CBT Trainer pretty much saved my life. I felt 40% lighter after the first session itself.

3. Meditate: I did Vipasana recently and it's the best thing I did all my life.

4. Give it time. There is no fixed period. Take however time you need. There is no fixed period.

5. Delete negative mesaages/ people / Social media accounts from your life. Youre responsible for your own happiness. Do whatever it takes.

A year later.. Right now.. I am at peace.. Mentally and Physically, I have never been fitter and at peace. You'll be fine too. Eventually

[neeravnaik]

Originally Posted by Fernang

I'm not on any social media. And this is the only forum I'm registered on. Just thought I'll share few things. I usually go through several threads and I noticed that few of the guides and troubleshooting threads were started almost 14, 15 years ago. And the posts stayed like a record of the individuals contribution. In the end we would all like to be remembered I guess. So thought of just framing this post.

I hope you find help soon to deal with your depression. Please reach out to professionals. We all here are trying to give suggestions to help you but finally you will have to come out of it. I feel accepting it and have clarity of thought to put it down like you have is the first step and shows that you do have will to come out of it.

One specific advice I would give is to try to develop a structured and healthy daily routine that adds to your happiness. One off attempts to travel and get out is good but finally we have to return to the daily life that we live 80% of time. Sometimes too much of travel can also leave you feeling disoriented as strange places can feel more lonely sometimes.

Take on your interests and see how you can integrate it to your daily routine. I try to take one picture a day I feel happy about as it is what I love doing. Take a daily drive that you love where you may find a photo opportunity. Daily journaling and tracking your feeling is helpful.

Like all of us 2020 was very difficult for me also. going on a drive and walk helped me. I associated rains with happiness and would go out every time after rain to take pictures of wet flowers and leaves. It made me realise that while world is in turmoil the physical world around us is still the same and as beautiful as it was before.

Some people find help in helping others. Once during a low period in my life I would visit a nearby blind school. It can be heartbreaking but I just went in expecting nothing seeing how a part of our world survives. I did not pretend that I was there to help anyone. Just talking to those kids and how they manage their life day to day was uplifting. I have not done much charity work than anyone else. During first lockdown i joined some people in distributing food etc. Atleast it made me realise that the situation is ours to change and if we can do something very small we should. I once volunteered to travel to a school in Orissa to take pictures of children in a school giving free education to poor children to make a brochure. That way i am using my interests to do something interesting. Needless to say it was a great experience for me.

[RaghavEvoX]

There is a famous Confucius quote brother and it applies to most people.

"Everyone have two lives, and the second begins when we realize we only have one ".

Go out and make the most of it.

And I will say one thing.
Being an Introvert is not a problem. At all.
Just imagine a world full of extroverts. Very loud right !!
In fact our education system tries every single day to make us extroverts.
But there is nothing wrong in being an introvert but make sure you be happy in your closed circle.