[Arsenic]

You!
Are you disappointed by Nissan's insane pricing for the new X-Trail?
Do you feel let down by the recent news that Honda would be starving India of new launches until 2027?
Don't worry! - totallyrealcarnews.in has just revealed that the big Japanese automakers are planning a massive onslaught of new launches for starving Indian consumers.
Don't believe me? Let's jump into it:


Nissan Sentra (Oct 2024)



After the blockbuster launch of the feature-packed, incredibly VFM X-Trail, Nissan India is now gearing up to launch the Sentra sedan in India.

You would think Nissan India would use this launch to fill a gap left by the discontinuation of the Skoda Octavia in the Indian market - but Nissan have decided to take things one step further, and the Sentra will be a CBU import from China, with Nissan planning on positioning it squarely against... the BMW 3-Series.

The Sentra will be LOADED to the gills with features, including:
- A 1.6L NA Petrol engine that produces a mighty... ONE HUNDRED AND THIRTY TWO HORSEPOWER!!!
Because who cares if it's less than the 148hp produced by the Skoda Slavia?
- Automatic climate control!
Unlike those French los... oh wait no.
- Luxurious seats made of 100% fabric!
Leather seats are clichéd anyways...

The best part? All of this is expected to come at a very affordable price tag of ONLY 70 Lakh Rupees ex-showroom!
Sure, you can buy much more competent cars for a lot less... but are they equipped with the mystical Jatco CVT? I don't think so.


Toyota Land Cruiser CityRider (Nov 2024)



Y'know how Toyota launched the Land Cruiser 300 very softly in India, and at a price that makes it nothing short of unattainable for most of us?

Fear not, my friends! Toyota India has found the perfect solution that will give us a taste of the Land Cruiser lifestyle at a fraction of the price!

Of course, the Land Cruiser 300 is a 4x4 beast with go-anywhere capability and a durability second to none. However, the CityRider will have the capability of driving over Bombay potholes, which will prove it to be the most capable front-wheel-drive off-roader ever built. 'Cause four-wheel-drive is for nerds!

Plus, the CityRider doesn't need the LC300's big burly turbocharged V6 - it instead comes equipped with the mighty K15C Dualjet I4 which produces a mind-blowing 102hp. Truly one of the greatest engines of all time.

Best of all, this mini LC300 will be priced at just 15L ex-showroom for the top-spec model. Truly an incredible VFM proposition! Just don't notice what it resembles...


Honda AiR (Mar 2025)



When rumors came out that Honda was not planning to launch any new cars except the Amaze until 2027, most enthusiasts were shocked and felt like this was just the latest bad decision that Honda India had made.

However, while that may hold true when it comes to launching cars, Honda India has planned an incredibly exciting launch for early next year - the Honda AiR!

The name stands for Atmospheric Indian Rockstar, and it will be India's first-ever iNTELLIGENT bag of air, featuring smart SlowLeak technology to intelligently prevent excess loss of air from the bag when a hole is poked in.

The AiR will come in three smartly positioned variants:
- V+, priced at Rs. 2000 for a 2L bag - the air will have been captured by a team of interns in Mumbai's Bandra Kurla Complex (AQI 179 at the time of writing). Sure, it's not the cleanest air out there, but at least it wasn't captured in NCR.
- VX, priced at Rs. 5000 for a 2L bag - the air will have been expertly trapped by a group of professionals at Sanjay Gandhi National Park. The value option!
- ZX, priced at Rs. 11000 for a 2L bag - the air in the bag is composed of 98% Himalayan air, while the other 2% is pure, authentic Japanese air from Kyoto, collected meticulously by a 10-man panel of expert air collectors that have been trained for 10 years to carry out this task. This one is for air connoisseurs only.

Of course, some will say that what Honda India really needs to launch is a competent large SUV positioned above the Elevate - but Honda India's management knows best, and the AiR will certainly be a runaway success in India.


Isuzu MU-X Facelift (Jun 2025)



Isuzu India, which at this point is an organization with dubious existence, has taken the brave decision to launch another 'facelift' of the current MU-X sold in India in Jun 2025.

The facelift, codenamed BADH (rumored to stand for Beating A Dead Horse) has been cleverly planned as a CSR initiative to increase the average Indian IQ. Their method of doing so is by making Indians play a tricky 'spot-the-difference' game to see what has changed with this facelift, boosting critical thinking and investigative skills - and the best part is, you too can play this game now! The first person to spot a difference will not receive a new MU-X from me, but you might receive a witty reply.

People have been clamoring for the new generation of the MU-X to replace this now 7-year-old dinosaur - however, Isuzu India has decided to show that they truly care for the Indian people, and their new last-ditch attempt to get sales CSR initiative will definitely be a hit in India, especially at the rumored launch price of just 36 Lakh!

Nobody truly does it like Isuzu India.


Toyota Tercel (Sep 2025)



The original Toyota Tercel was a compact car that was a hit in Asia-Pacific, and was able to offer Toyota's tough Japanese engineering and quality at a lower price. Now, for 2025, Toyota is planning on resuscitating the name for a brand-new compact hatchback that is 100% authentically Toyota.

The new Tercel will be the latest in a string of former nameplates that Toyota has brought from the dead for emerging markets (eg. Vitz, Rumion, Glanza) - but while many of those names have been slapped on rebadged Suzuki products, this new Tercel promises to contain only Toyota's DNA.

Some of Toyota's planned taglines for the product have also been leaked:
"The new Tercel. A car that is authentically Toyota.
They're really championing authenticity...
"How do you spell Toyota? T-E-R-C-E-L."
Spelling lessons might be in order.
"Please just buy it."
Honesty is the best policy, after all.

The Tercel certainly looks sporty and offers a design truly like none other, and promises to be the latest car that will bring premium Japanese quality to the masses...
"Wait, what do you mean by 'It looks like a Suzuki'?!"


Nissan Evalia (Feb 2026)



After bringing back one flopped nameplate back with the X-Trail, Nissan India has bravely decided that what the Indian market truly needs is not a proper facelift to breathe new life to the Magnite - but rather the comeback of one of the oddest products ever launched in India, the Evalia Amazon box van.

The new Evalia will be positioned squarely against the Toyota Vellfire, and promises to revolutionize the idea of luxury as we know it, with a list of incredible features.

Does it have heated rear seats like the Vellfire?
No, but the seats are specially designed to absorb 99% of peak Bombay heat strategically, so technically...
Does it have luxurious quilted leather seats like the Vellfire?
No, but it does instead feature 100% fabric seats - just like the Sentra!
Is it at least as roomy as the Vellfire?
It's 600mm smaller, but jugaad...

Don't worry, however, if you cannot afford the new Evalia at its rumored launch price of 92 Lakhs. A cheaper version will be made available, with a tie-up to be formed with a local automaker to create a cut-price version for, and I quote, 'broke people'. "Hi, is this Ashok Leyland?"


Nissan Eskape (Jun 2026)



After the launch of the CBU Evalia which will set the sales charts on fire, Nissan plans to finally launch a successor to the discontinued Kicks in the Indian market, with the all-new Nissan Eskape.

The Eskape will compete with the likes of the Kia Seltos and Maruti Grand Vitara by offering a unique value proposition - the Eskape will allow middle-class Indians the feeling of being a (former and now in exile) CEO.

Designed by expert car designer C. Ghosn (no relation to a 'Carlos' with a similar name), the Eskape truly flies under the radar with its incredibly simple and timeless design. No harsh character lines, no ridiculously executed bold design choices, just sheer elegance.

The Eskape will offer enough space to fit a 5' 7" fugitive and a bunch of microphones. Sure, most cars in this segment have incredibly roomy boots which can swallow all your luggage - but can they avoid detection by Japanese airport police? I think not.

Consumers may crib that this seems like some sort of joke or sick social experiment - but Nissan India would like to kindly remind said consumers that they could have always positioned it against the BMW X3...


Isuzu D-Max New Generation (Nov 2126)



Yep, you read that correctly. Isuzu India will, after an incredibly long wait, finally launch the new generation of the D-Max pickup in India.

Finally, you think. A truck that offers appropriate competition to the Toyota Hilux. A truck that has the potential to revive the dying pickup market in India. A truck that can truly go anywhere. Finally.

The D-Max will come with everything you'd expect and desire.
Ventilated seats? Check.
A large touchscreen with wireless Apple CarPlay and Android Auto? Check.
A... SIX-CYLINDER ENGINE? CHECK!

Truly the perfect truck, and it will also be launched at an affordable price! The only drawback? It won't be launched in 2026, but rather in 2126. One hundred and two years from now.

"How stupid!", you think to yourself. A century for a pickup truck's launch? Will pickup trucks even exist? Will cars still be a thing? Will I even be alive?

-----

As you contemplate the very meaning of life and question your best-by date's arrival, a voice emerges from behind.

"Try not to overthink it. That's just Japanese decision-making at it's finest.


DISCLAIMER
TRCN India accepts no liability for you taking the contents of this article as true. Don't blame us if an Isuzu dealer tells you that they "don't even exist" when you inquire about the new D-Max, or if a Honda dealer tells you to "stop wasting their time" when you try to book the Honda AiR ZX over the phone. The 14-year-old who wrote this article was later approached by our editorial team for clarifications on the legitimacy of his news and whether or not his renders were lazily made in MS Paint, but we were simply replied to with an Internet 'meme':

——— THE END ———

[Aditya]

Thread moved out from the Assembly Line. Thanks for sharing!

[sharmanova]

Love the satire!

The Japanese car manufacturers have a lot of potential to succeed in the Indian Market, by launching right products at the right time. Perhaps, they're too lazy to develop an all new product specifically for India or too scared to Invest.

[ike]

Well written. But the thread title indicating that this is satire is in place for legal reasons or have we really evolved backwards

[ferrarirules]

Originally Posted by Arsenic

You!
Are you disappointed by Nissan's insane pricing for the new X-Trail?
Do you feel let down by the recent news that Honda would be starving India of new launches until 2027?
Don't worry! - totallyrealcarnews.in has just revealed that the big Japanese automakers are planning a massive onslaught of new launches for starving Indian consumers.
Don't believe me? Let's jump into it:

Wow!! What a roadmap of launches from the Japaneses manufacturers!!!

You missed Maruti - their uppppppcommmming 1 EV per year launches and their hybrid roadmap.

Japanese manufacturers except Maruti have always treated in India as a third world country. They have better products on sale in the whole of asia but they don't have any product roadmap for India. Korean and Indian manufacturers are beating them left, right and center.

[CentreOfGravity]

This is the thread of the month, if not the year! While the authenticity of TRCN can be debated, what doesn't is the fact that the young editor of this revered website truly deserves an award for his sense of humour and impeccable writing skills! Well played my man

On a serious note: want to know what's up with Japan? I highly recommend you guys to spare an hour of yours and watch this video. Really insightful:

https://youtu.be/hyPUSX02lIQ?feature=shared

[AceCombatFanIN]

Absolutely love your sense of humor and throughly enjoyed the satire. On the other hand it paints the actual sad reality of Japanese automakers in the Indian market. Once upon a time, Honda had a plethora of offerings such as the Brio, Mobilio, WRV, BRV, CRV, Jazz, Accord and Civic etc. Nowadays it's just the Amaze, City and Elevate. No doubt these 3 cars have a strong following but it's a far cry from the plethora of options we could choose from.

[RROD]

I loved the Honda AiR bit.
Thanks for this

[chakravorty]

Brilliant article! Couldn't have written it better myself. I wish somebody would grab the Honda leaders by their necks and make them read this. I really don't understand what they are doing. It's like you are holding a winning hand of cards but you are not playing. Because you are too busy looking at the girl sitting at the bar behind you.

As for Toyota, they have become just a distant blurry shadow of Maruti and seem to be happy as they are. They are too lazy to do anything. It wouldn't matter even if they read this.

Nissan would just not pull their heads out of their * to read this. I mean, look at them... just when I was thinking that Skoda made the biggest blunder of the decade by launching the Superb at 54L, the wise-brains at Nissan beat them by launching the old X-Trail at a truly unbeatable price.

And what about Isuzu you ask? Honestly, it's best if they don't even read this!

[ron178]

Great scoop, but I think you forgot the pure electric Toyota Urban Cruiser Razor and HairDryer :P

[SuperV]

I have started an SIP for my great-grandchild to buy the amazing new Isuzu DMax.
If only Honda priced their cars right for the Indian market. All their brilliant cars (brio, Jazz, WRV) would've sold more.
I'm convinced that the management of Honda cars and Honda 2 wheelers is the same. They follow the same mantra - discontinue brilliant vehicles (CBR-250, Brio/Jazz). Milk the same old cow (Amaze, Activa). Sell one 'premium' product (CB350, City).

[Mustang Sammy]

Hilarious. Perfect way to end the day reading this extremely well written and funny article.

I used to wonder for many years whether “Ghosn” was a misspelling or corrupted version of our very own “Ghosh”.

[mura]

I am waiting for the Twin Engine Nissan R36 GTR with a pair of the new 1.5l K11K Flexfuel engines which is rumored to run both on Petrol and Diesel making 300 hp and 450nm on Petrol and 250 hp and 550nm on Diesel and is also rumored to have a 50 hp electric motor for backup and short runs of 5kms.

Also, I have decided to give the CityRider a miss as it is not available with CNG .

[SithDefender]

Originally Posted by Arsenic

Honda AiR (Mar 2025)
The AiR will come in three smartly positioned variants:

I am offended! I was looking desperately for the V variant, which would be the most affordable version. Once again, Honda has lost the plot completely. I hope their next version (AiR JuHA (Just Hot Air) will be better

[jazzrockz]

�� hahahaha... Oh Boy they're coming for us...Tora Tora Tora