[serious_maniac]

Received this on mail
------------------------------

How would India-Based IT Services Company (IBITSCO) tackle the game of football?



1. It would start with only 3 players (including goalie) at the start of the match and ramp up to 11 by the end of 90 minutes. It will attempt to have at-least 7 players on the field at halftime

2. 9 of the 11 players will be India-based

3. Out of the 11 players announced as the first 11 for the game, 8 would be hockey players, 1 would have kicked a ball sometime and advertisements for vacancies for the other 2 positions would be out in the newspapers.

4. All 11 players would be handed over a soccer manual 3 days before the 1st game and asked to learn everything in it by the next 72 hours, including the flight journey to the venue for the soccer match.

5. The team would be paid half the allowance of the other teams

6. 1 (and only 1) very high paid consultant would be hired (just for the duration of the tournament) to "advise" the team on how to play soccer.

7. Feasibility to playing the game offshore would be considered owing to cost reasons

8. The suggestion of using 22 lower skilled footballers instead of the usual 11, in an infinite-substitution mode would be mooted.

9. Internally, there would be deliberations on whether there is any process standard for football by which you can say anyone who is at least 28 years old and has played at least 3 football games would be eligible for the squad

10. Immediately after the match, the playing 11 would be asked to board the next flight to Istanbul where they would be needed to play a handball match the next day!

[2L8uLoose]

Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...

On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)

On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)

On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)

On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)

On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)

[pillainp]

Originally Posted by 2L8uLoose

Deep in jungle I am went
On shooting Tiger I am bent
Bugger Tiger has eaten wife......

That is a very good one indeed.

[four_tire]

*Teacher: "Children, tomorrow I would like you to give me an example of a
development that is currently being built near your home and what are the
advantages of this new development."

At the end of the class, the teacher asks that all the little Girls remain
behind for five minutes

**Teacher: Young ladies, I have received numerous complaints from your
parents concerning Little Johnny's crude remarks. It is very likely that
for tomorrow he is going to say something dirty and that is why I am asking
you all, to avoid any further problems, when he says anything that appears
rude, Get up and leave the class room."*
**
*Everybody agreed to this plan.*
**
*Next day, teacher: " Is everybody ready with their assignments? Go ahead,
Anita."*
**
*Anita: "Near my home, a supermarket is being built. Now my mommy doesn't
have to walk so far to get bread and milk."*
**
*Teacher: "Very good, Anita! Yes, Koosie!"*
**
*Kossie: "Near my home, they are building a furniture factory. My daddy is
a carpenter and this permits him to work near home."*
**
*Teacher: "Excellent, thank you Koosie!"*
**
*As this point, little Johnny's hand shoots up and the teacher asks "Oh
heavens, tell me Johnny what new development is being built near your home."
*
**
*Little Johnny: "Near my home, they are building a brothel!"*
**
*As all the young ladies got up and proceeded to leave, Little Johnny says,
"Hey relax, it hasn't opened yet!"*

[four_tire]

Hearing problem... a short story

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he
thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach
her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor
told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform
to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from
her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears
you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and s o on until you get a
response.

"That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was
in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see
what happens." then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for
dinner?" No response. So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen,
about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response. Next he moves into the dining room where he is
about 20 feet from his wife and asks, Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response so; He walks up to the kitchen door, about
10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again there is no
response. So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?" ;;;;"James, for the FIFTH time I've
said, CHICKEN!"

[four_tire]

A plain computer illeterate guy rings tech support to report that
his computer is faulty.

Tech: What's the problem?

User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.

Tech: You'll need a new power supply.

User: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files.

Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You'll need to replace it.

User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the
startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me
the command.

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The
tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don't normally tell our customers this, but
there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.

User: I knew it!

Tech: Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the
CONFIG.SYS.

Letme know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking.

Tech: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

User: MS-DOS 6.22.

Tech: That's your problem there. That version of DOS didn't come with
NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give
you the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User: I need a new power supply.

Tech: How did you come to that conclusion?

User: Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said, and he
started asking questions about the make of power supply.

Tech: Then what did he say?

User: He told me that my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE

[pillainp]

A blonde is sitting at home one day when she decides she's sick of hearing blonde jokes. She decides to dye her hair brown, and, to see if it works in making her more intelligent, goes to a farm where she approaches the farmer with the challenge, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer chuckles to himself, before replying, "Sure, why not?"
The blonde pulls out a calculator and does a bunch of hugely complicated equations and comes up with a number. She says to the farmer, "There are 314 sheep out there." The farmer is astonished. "You're right!" he says. "Go take your pick".
The blonde takes a few minutes to pick a sheep, waves to the farmer, and leaves.
She's sitting at home the next day when she hears a knock on her front door. She opens it and finds the farmer standing there holding his hat. He says to her, "If I can guess your real hair colour, can I have my dog back?"

[pillainp]

Every Saturday morning a man goes fishing. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, takes the dog and off he goes...all day long. One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses quietly, makes his picnic, grabs the dog and climbs into the car.
Coming out of his garage rain is pouring down like a monsoon. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing at 40mph. He returns the car to the garage, goes into the house and flicks on the Ceefax weather forecast. He finds it's going to be bad all day long, so he returns the dog to its basket, quietly undresses and slips back into bed. There he cuddles up to his wife's back and whispers: "The weather out there is terrible." To which she sleepily replies: "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in it?"

[lamborghini]

FIFTY FUN THINGS TO DO DURING AN EXAM
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"

32. Bring a water pistol with you.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.

36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.

37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.

38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "

39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.

40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.

41. One word: Wrestlemania.

42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.

43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.

44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.

45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.

46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.

47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.

48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.

49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".

50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

[lamborghini]

No offence to any Gujarati's on T-BHP. I got this as a forward

A Patel family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother
arrived from the US. It was sent by one of the daughters.

The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space
left in it when they opened the lid; they found a letter on top addressed
to her brothers and sisters:

Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha,
I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her wish that she should
be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I
could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed. You will find
inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese, 10 packets of Tobler
chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of
you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for
Mohan.There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons.
Hope the sizes are correct. Ba is wearing 6 American T-Shirts. The large
size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves. The 2 new Jeans
that Ba's is wearing are for the boys. The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is
on Ba's left wrist. Shanta masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring
that you asked for. Please take them off her. The 6 white cotton socks that
Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews. Please distribute all these
fairly.

Love Smita

PS: And if anything more required let me know soon as Bapuji is also
is also not feeling too well nowadays...

[lamborghini]

>>ONLY IN AMERICA:

>>Only in America.....do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.

>>Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries,
and a diet coke. !

>>Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.

>>Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

>>Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.

>>Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process
so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.

>>Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.


EVER WONDER .......

>>Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

>>Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? !

>>Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

>>Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

>>Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

>>Why! is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

>>Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

>>Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

>>Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

>>Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

>>Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

>>You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the ! whole plane out of that stuff?!

>>Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

>>Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

>>If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

>>If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

[condor]

EVER WONDER..
>>Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

And I wonder what is the abbreviation for "abbreviated"

[2L8uLoose]

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession…"

[wiking]

[iraghava]

Contact NASA by saying, "Whitney Houston, we have a problem!"
Spike the Tang with Folgers's Crystals.
Paste a "Hyundai" logo on the main control panel.
Tape photo of Keith Richards to window and then tell crew, "There's a hideous Martian outside the ship!"
Dump sewage tank over least favored country.
Fill someone's oxygen tank with Heinz' Home-style Beef Gravy.
Ring doorbell on Mir Space station; quickly float away.
Hide the experimental bee hive in someone's space suit.
Sneak action figure from "Alien" movies aboard, then pretend it pops out of your stomach during dinner. Egg the moon.

__________________________________________________ ________________

Who wears the pants?

Mike was engaged to be married to Karen, so his father sat him down for a little chat. He said, “Mike, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite I took off my pants, handed them to your mother, and said, “Here - try these on.”
She did and said,”These are too big I can’t wear them.” I replied, “‘Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems.”
“Hmmm,” said Mike, that might be a good thing to try.
On his honeymoon, Mike took off his pants and said to Karen, “Here try these on”. She tried them on and said, “These are too large, they don’t fit me”.
Mike said, “Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will”.
Karen then proceeded to take her pants off and handed them to Mike.
She said, “Here, try mine on”.
He did and said, “I can’t get into your pants”.
Karen said, “Exactly. And if you don’t change your smart a** attitude, you never will”.