Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

15 - You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile.
14 - Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.
13 - Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday.
12 - Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.
11 - For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.
10 - Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Bea's pancakes.
9 - For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the automobile.
8 - You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.
7 - Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.
6 - Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.
5 - Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, "Hey, it's Vomit Man!"
4 - The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.
3 - Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.
2 - Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat.
1 - You're now sober enough to realize "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

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A Drunk asks a Priest....

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!"
"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I shouldn't have been so unpleasant about it. Tell me, how long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father -- I was just reading here that the Pope does!"
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A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo North Dacota.....

A Norwegian took a trip to Fargo, North Dakota. While in a bar, an Indian on the next stool spoke to the Norwegian in a friendly manner.
"Look," he said, "let's have a little game. I'll ask you a riddle. If you can answer it, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't then you buy me one. OK?"
"Ja, dat sounds purty good," said the Norwegian.
The Indian said, "My father and mother had one child. It wasn't my brother. It wasn't my sister. Who was it?"
The Norwegian scratched his head and finally said, "I give up. Who vas it?"
"It was ME," chortled the Indian.
So the Norwegian paid for the drinks.
Back in Sioux Falls the Norwegian went into the bar and spotted one of his cronies.
"Sven," he said, "I got a game. If you can answer a question, I'll buy you a drink. If you can't, you have to buy me vun. Fair enough?"
"Fair enough," said Sven.
"Ok," the Norwegian said, "my father and mudder had vun child. It vasn't my brudder. It vasn't my sister. Who vas it?"
"Search me," said Sven. "I give up, who vas it?"
The Norwegian burst out, "It vas some Indian up in Fargo, North Dakota!"
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A Nun???Drinking???...

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to S***!"

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NEW RULES FOR EMPLOYMENT.
SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.
YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.
RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.
PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma'am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don'ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.
The Management

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EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.
These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance evaluations in a large US Corporation.
(1) ''Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom.....and has started to dig.''
(2) ''His men would follow him anywhere, ....... but only out of morbid curiosity.'
(3) ''I would not allow this employee to breed.''
(4) ''This employee is really not so much of a 'has-been', but more of a definite 'won't be'.''
(5) ''Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.''
(6) ''When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.''
(7) ''He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.''
(8) ''This young lady has delusions of adequacy.''
(9) ''He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.''
(10) ''This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.''
(11) ''This employee should go far, ..... and the sooner he starts, the better.''
(12) ''Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.''
(13) ''A gross ignoramus—144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.''
(14) ''He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.''
(15) ''He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.''
(16) ''I would like to go hunting with him sometime.''
(17) ''He's been working with glue too much.''
(18) ''He would argue with a signpost.''
(19) ''He has a knack for making strangers immediately detest him.''
(20) ''He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.''
(21) ''When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.''
(22) ''If you see two people talking and one looks bored, ..... he's the other one.''
(23) ''A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.''
(24) ''A prime candidate for natural deselection.''
(25) ''Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.''
(26) ''Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.''
(27) ''Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.''
(28) ''If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.''
(29) ''If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.''
(30) ''If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.''
(31) ''It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.''
(32) ''One neuron short of a synapse.''
(33) ''Some drink from the fountain of knowledge;..... he only gargled.''
(34) ''Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.''
(35) ''The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.''
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Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it
take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 Rank Opted for IFS)

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and
three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant with one hand.
(UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?
A. No Probs , He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? A. It
will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple ?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast ?
A : Dinner.

Q. What happened when wheel was invented ?
A : It caused a revolution.

Q. Bay of Bengal is in which state?
A : Liquid (UPSC 33Rank )

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Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one
really difficult question.

Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and
said, "my choice is one really difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this.
"What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted in! to reality as his admission depends on the
correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the
DAY sir!"

"How" the interviewer asked,

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult
question!"

He was selected for IIM!

Quote:

Originally Posted by himanshugoswami

Interviewer said "I shall either ask you ten easy questions or one
really difficult question.

Think well before you make up your mind!" The boy thought for a while and
said, "my choice is one really difficult question."

"Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice! Now tell me this.
"What comes first, Day or Night?"

The boy was jolted in! to reality as his admission depends on the
correctness of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the
DAY sir!"

"How" the interviewer asked,

"Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a SECOND difficult
question!"

He was selected for IIM!

very similar to a real life incident that i was told about by my math professor in 9th grade.
After a rally of questions the the hr manager said "this is your last question", "where is the centre of the earth".
The candidate stretched out his hand and pointed at the centre of the palm. Amazed by the action the manager asked "what does that imply?", the candidate got up from the chair and said "no more questions sir, that was supposed to be the last one".
Candidate got the job.

manson.

p.s. just called my professor to tell him this.

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock -- it's half-past three in the morning.
"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk. "Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?"
"No. Get lost, it's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.
Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up fromthe baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get us started again? Whatwould have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."
So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and, not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts: "Hey, do you still want a push?" and he hears a voice cry out "Yeah please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger, he shouts: "Where are you?"
And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swingset.

From: Bin Laden, Osama
To: All Al Queda Fighters

Subject: The Cave, Do Not Distribute Outside The Organisation.

Hi guys. We've all been putting in long hours recently but we've really come together as a group and I love that! However, while we are fighting a jihad, we can't forget to take care of the cave, and frankly I have a few concerns:

First of all, while it's good to be concerned about cruise missiles, we should be even more concerned about the dust in our cave. We want to avoid excessive dust inhalation, (a health and safety issue) - so we need to sweep the cave daily. I've done my bit on the cleaning rota ..have you? I've posted a sign-up sheet near the cave reception area (next to the halal toaster).

Second, it's not often I make a video address but when I do, I'm trying to scare the s**t out of most of the world's population, okay? That means that while we're taping, please do not ride your scooter in the background or keep doing the 'Wassup' thing. Thanks.

Third: Food. I bought a box of Dairylea recently, clearly wrote "Ossy" on the front, and put it on the top shelf. Today, two of my Dairylea slices were gone. Consideration. That's all I'm saying.

Four: I'm not against team spirit and all that, but we must distance ourselves from the Infidel's bat and ball games. Please do not chant "Ossy, Ossy, Ossy, Oy, Oy, Oy" when I ride past on the donkey. Thanks.

Five: Graffiti. Whoever wrote "OSAMA F***S DONKEYS" on the group toilet wall It's a lie, the donkey backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain.

Six: The use of chickens is strictly for food. Qasim, the old excuse that the 'chicken backed into me, whilst I was relieving myself at the edge of the mountain' will not be accepted in future. (With donkeys, there is a grey area.)

Finally, we've heard that there may be Western soldiers in disguise trying to infiltrate our ranks. I want to set up patrols to look for them. First patrol will be Omar, Muhammad, Abdul, Akbar and Dave.

Love you lots,

Group Hug.

Os.

PS - I'm sick of having "Osama's Bed Linen" scribbled on my laundry bag. Cut it out, it's not funny anymore.

There were 10 blondes and 1 brunette, all hanging off a rope that was tied to a helicopter.
They all knew that the weight of them all wouldnt hold the rope and it will eventurally snap, so they were arguing back and forth, and back and forth about who should drop the rope.
The brunette finally had the courage to let go, but before she did she told the blondes why.
So the blondes were so touched that they all clapped in appreciation... And the problem was solved!
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A blonde decides she wants to go ice fishing. So she goes to the library and reads and researches ice fishing. Then she goes to the sporting goods store and buys everything she needs.
Then she finally thinks she is ready so she goes out to the ice and starts drilling a hole. Suddenly she hears a voice from up above. It says: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she decides to go farther down on the ice. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again: "There are no fish under the ice."
So she packs up her things and moves down the ice again. She starts drilling and she hears the voice again, "There are no fish under the ice."
"Is that you Lord?" she says.
"No," says the voice, "I'm the manager of the ice hockey rink."

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A blonde was cooking dinner, when her kitchen caught on fire. So she called 911 and said, "My kitchen is on fire!"
They asked, "How do we get there?"
The blonde said, "Well, DUH, the big red truck!"

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A blonde wearing a headset walks into a barbershop and says he wants his hair dyed brown.
The barber asks him to take off the headphones. The blonde refuses, but the barber dyes it anyway.
The blonde falls asleep so the barber takes the headphones off and continues dying his hair.
Two minutes later he''''s shocked to find the blonde is dead. The barber puts on the headphones and there's a voice repeating, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out."

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A plane is on its way to Houston when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Classwho belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Houston and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'mmarried to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm Sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Houston."

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''Have you heard my knock-knock joke?'' asked the blonde.
''No,'' said the brunette.
''Okay,'' said the blonde, ''you start.''

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Why do blondes like cars with adjustable steering wheels?
Because they like more head room.

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What is a blonde's mating call?
''NEXT!''

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