Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering what to do, when his
telephone rang.

"Hallo, Mr. Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said, "This is Gurmukh
Singh from Phagwara, District Kapurthala, Punjab. I am ringing to inform
you that we are officially declaring the war on you!"

"Well, Gurmukh," Saddam replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army"
"Right now," said Gurmukh, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself,
my cousin Sukhdev, my next door neighbour Bhagat, and the entire kabaddi
team from the Gurudwara Sahib. That makes eight"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you, Gurmukh that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."

"Arrey O! Main kya.. " said Gurmukh. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Gurmukh called again.

"Mr. Hussein, it is Gurmukh, I'm calling from Phagwara, the war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Gurmukh" Saddam asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a buffalo and Amrik's tractor."

Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Gurmukh, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army to 1-1/2
million since we last spoke."

"Oh teri to ...." said Gurmukh. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Gurmukh rang again the next day.

"Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves
airborne...... We've modified Amrik's tractor by adding a couple of
shotguns, sticking on some wings and the pind's generator. Four school
pass boys from Malpur have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell
you, Gurmukh, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My
military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile
sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"Tera bhala hove...." said Gurmuk, "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, Gurmukh called again the next day.

"Kiddan, Mr. Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off
the war."

"I'm sorry to hear that," said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart"

"Well," said Gurmukh, "we all have had a long chat over a couple of
lassi's, and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners of
wars!"

Fred and Mary get married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go
back to Mum and Dad's for the night.

In the morning little brother Johnny gets up and during breakfast asks
Mum if Fred and Mary have got up yet. Mum replies "No".

Johnny asks "Do you know what I think?" Mum replies "Never mind what
you think, just go to school".

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks if Fred and Mary have got up yet.
Again Mum replies "No".

Johnny says "Do you know what I think?" Mum says "Never mind what you
think, eat your lunch and go back to school".

After school he comes home and again asks if Fred and Mary are up yet.
Again Mum replies "No".

Johnny says "Do you know what I think?" and Mum says "OK, what do you
think Johnny?"

He says, "Well, last night Fred came in and asked me for the Vaseline
and I think I might have given him my aero plane glue by mistake".

A Sardar and an American are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angelesto New York. The American asks if he would like to play a fun-game.

The Sardar, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The American persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice versa."

Again, the Sardar declines and tries to get some sleep.

The American, now worked up, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500."

This gets the sardar's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment,
agrees to the game.

The American asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The Sardar doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out a $5 bill and
hands it to the American.

"Okay," says the American, "Your turn."

So the Sardar asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The American thinks about it. No answer.

Puzzled, he takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. No answer!

He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress. No answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers.

Checks the input. All to no avail!

Finally, a long time later, he wakes the Sardar and hands him $500.

The Sardar thanks him and turns back to get his sleep.

The American, more than a little miffed, stirs the Sardar and asks,

"Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the Sardar reaches into his purse, hands the American $5, and goes back to sleep!

when you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, rather take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying "Hello."

I politely said, "This is Joe. Could I please speak with Robyn?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**ing number!" and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!"

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "a$$hole calling" would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"

One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.

Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first a$$hole (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too I said,

"Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes, it is", he said.

"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.

"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an a$$hole!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$holes to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called a$$hole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"A$$hole, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole," and hung up.

Then I called a$$hole #2.

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello, a$$hole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two a$$holes beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

1. Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

2. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

3. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

4. Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

5. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

6. Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

7. Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A : Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

8. Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO . Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

9. Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

10. Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

WOMAN'S DIARY:
>
>
>Saturday 29th April 2006.
>
>Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went
>shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit
>late so thought it might be that.
>
>The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere
>quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I suggested we
>go somewhere nice to eat.
>
>
>All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed,
>and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was
>saying. I just knew that something was wrong.
>
>He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in,
>he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was
>something the matter but he just half shook his head and turned the
>television on.
>
>After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to
>bed.
>
>
>I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He
>just gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later
>he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed
>distant and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and
>that he had found someone else...
>
>I cried myself to sleep.
>
>
>MAN'S DIARY:
>
>Saturday 29th April 2006.
>Rooney's probably out of the World Cup, there go our chances then,
>gutted!
>Got a shag though.

During work, John and William were chatting:

John: William, I've been taking night courses for 5
months now and I have an exam next week. William: oh!

John: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell? William: No John: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you
take night courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place: John: Do you know who is Alexander Dumas? William: No John: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you
take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again: John: And do you know who is Jean Jacques Rousseau? William: No John: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take
night courses, you would know this.

This time, William got irritated and said: "And you,
do you know who is George Hunt?" John: No William: He's the guy enjoying with your wife!! If you
stop night courses, you would know this!! rl:

Rev

Six Classic Affairs

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they
fell asleep and woke up
at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and
rub them in the grass
and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary.
We had sex all
afternoon."

"You lying ba*****!

You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look
at
the two beautiful
daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a
startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to
be
cremated with such
an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"

The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it
so
much I got one for
us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two
days
at the Smith's and
nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your
best friend, her best
friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

Martin wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him,
all clean and pressed.

Martin looks around the room and sees that it is in
perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the
house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love You!"

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a
hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is
also at the table, eating.

Martin asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk
and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the
hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you
stumbled into the door."

Confused, Martin asks, "So, why is everything in order
and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting
for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the
bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n
shoes off, you said, "Lady leave me alone! I'm
married!"
Moral

Self-induced hangover -- $100.00
Broken furniture -- $2,000.00
Breakfast -- $10.00

Saying The Right Thing While Drunk- PRICELESS