Team-BHP
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https://www.team-bhp.com/forum/)
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Et Cetera
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https://www.team-bhp.com/forum/et-cetera/)
The Guys Rules:-
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys’ side of the story.
We always hear “
the rules” From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!!!
Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!
1. Men ARE NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Even obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” We will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
__________________________________________________ ___
The Husband Store.
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads Floor 4 -These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 -These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
__________________________________________________ ______________
Newton's Forgotten Law's
LAW OF QUEUE: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
LAW OF TELEPHONE: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.
LAW OF MECHANICAL REPAIR: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
LAW OF THE WORKSHOP: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
LAW OF THE ALIBI: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
BATH THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.
LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
LAW OF THE RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will!
LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.
LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
__________________________________________________ _____________
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to
take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”
The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we was friends.”
__________________________________________________ _____________
Wrong Number:-
Hi honey, this is Daddy…..is your mommy near the phone?
No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank” Brief pause. Daddy says: “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey.”
Yes I do. He’s upstairs with Mommy now.” Daddy says: ”
Honey, let’s play a joke. Put down the phone, knock on the bedroom door, and tell Mommy that Daddy’s home.” ”
Okay, Daddy.” A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did what you said, Daddy.”
And what happened?”
Well, Mommy jumped out of the bed, ran around screaming, then tripped over the rug and fell downstairs. She’s not moving anymore.”
“I’m sorry honey. What about Uncle Frank?” ”
He jumped out the back window into the swimming pool…but he must have forgotten that last week you took out all the water.
Swimming Pool ?? what swimming pool ?? Is it 212-5416-420.
Sorry Wrong Number.
__________________________________________________ ___________
Ex Husband
We were sitting in a fine restaurant when my wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.
I said “I notice you’ve been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?”
“Yes” she replies, “He’s my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.”
I said, “That’s remarkable, I wouldn’t think anybody could celebrate that long.”
She hasn’t spoken to me since - did I say something wrong?
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous,
and none of us realizes the long term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
A 75 year old man in the front row stood up and said,
“Wedding cake.”
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A large company recently hired several cannibals as it was expanding quickly and couldn’t find enough British staff.
“You are all part of our team now”, said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of our other employees”.
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard and I’m satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals all shook their heads “No”.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?”
A hand rose hesitantly.
“You fool!” the leader continued. “For four weeks we’ve been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But , NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!”
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A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to feel with warmth.
“I think you’re bad luck, get the hell away from me.
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Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.
While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) (filled it with GAS from Saudi Arabia) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day checking his Computer Made In Malaysia), Joe decided to relax for a while.
He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can’t find a good paying job in AMERICA.
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Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Your Desk:-
15. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
14. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.”
13. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”
12. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”
11. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
10. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”
9. “Actually I’m doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
8. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.”
7. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
6. “The coffee machine is broken….”
5. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
4. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”
3. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”
2. “I wasn’t sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”
AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:
“Amen”
I don't understand. After the last child was born, she told me we had to
cut back on expenses, I had to give up drinking beer.
I was not a big drinker, maybe a 12-pack on weekends. Anyway, I gave it
up, but the other day, when she came home from shopping and I looked at the receipt and saw $45 in makeup, I said, "Wait a minute. I've given up beer and you haven't given up anything.
She said, "I buy that makeup so I can look pretty for you."
I told her, "Hell, that's what the beer was for!"
I don't think she'll be back....
Johnny wanted to screw a girl in his office.....but she belonged to
someone else...!
One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said I'll
give you a 100 dollars if you let me screw you....but the girl said
"NO".
Johnny said I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend
down, I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.
She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her
boyfriend.....so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend says ask him for 200 dollars, pick up the money very
fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down. So she agrees and
accepts the proposal.
Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend
to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what
happened......
She said "THE B*****D USED COINS!!!"
Management Lesson..............is..........??
ALWAYS CONSIDER A BUSINESS PROPOSAL IN ITS ENTIRETY!!
<FONT size=3><FONT face="Times New Roman">A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend. She was thrilled at the speed. 'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked. 'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel. 'Go and get help!' he cried. 'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!' 'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.' Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!' The proprietor looked at the shoe and fainted .......!!!!!!!!!
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."
"You lying *******!
You've been playing golf!"
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man thought.
He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied,
"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."
Why do guys chase girls they dont intend to marry?
Same way as Dogs chase cars they dont intend do drive rl:
Guys,
Have a look at photo...
It's funny...
Cheers,
Mugen_Power.
Subject: PUNJAB AIRLINES
Wahe Guru & Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen: This is your Captain James' Santa Singh welcoming you to Punjab Airways. We apologize for the two-day delay in taking off, owing to bad weather and some overtime I had put in at the highway Dhaba. This is flight no.9211 (Nau Do Gyaraah) to Ludhiana. Landing in Ludhiana is not guaranteed, but with luck we may even be Landing directly on your village. Punjab Airways has a unique record for safety. In fact our safety Standards are so well known that even fully trained terrorists and hijackers are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure I announce that starting this year over 90% of our passengers have reached their destination. For the ones that don't quite make it, Punjab Airways staff has all the requisite experience for consoling the next-of-kin. Our Hostess Bubbly Kaur will be happy to brief you on our out-of-court settlement policies. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can turn them off for your convenience. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, we serve complimentary tea and biscuits. For our religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you quickly find out whether God really exists. We regret to inform you that today's in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to record it from the television. But we will be flying right next to Air India, where their movie will be visible from the right side cabin windows. These windows have been removed for your viewing convenience. For passengers with sight problems, we have also put a pair of binoculars under your seat. As per the rules, smoking is not allowed on all Punjab Airways flights over Punjab. Any smoke you see in the cabin is only the early warning system on the engines telling us to slow down. Life jackets are placed under your seats and free bathing costumes are made available for the aunties and swimming trunks for the uncles, for emergency water landings on any of our five rivers. Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take off and fasten your belts. For those of you who can't find a seat belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. And for those of you who can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with Bubbly Kaur for your arrangement to sit on the bathroom seat. If you do sit there, please do not flush frequently because it may result in shortage of water we require for your tea. I won't be flying with you today because I have to attend to my nephew's wedding. But co-pilot Kaptan Singh will have wireless access to me in case he needs flying instructions from time to time. For an extra 500 rupees or two tandoori chickens, our attendant Bubbly Kaur will allow you to come forward and occupy the captain's seat in the cockpit for 5 minutes each, for an extraordinary view. Thank you once again for choosing to fly with Punjab Airways.
An Indian migrated to America, and moved into an American neighbourhood. His American neighbour went next door to wish him welcome. He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens in a crazy manner. "Must be an Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.
The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drink it. "Must be another Indian custom," he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other business.
The third day he was determined he had to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian with his ear pressed against a cow's big fat butt. Seeing this, he became agitated and went up to the Indian man. "Excuse me sir, I did want to wish you a warm welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!" he yelled in the Indian man's face.
The Indian man looked confused and answered. "Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken; I believe these are actually American customs. I was told that in order to be like an American, one has to chase chicks, get piss drunk, and listen to bull****."
rl:
Rev
Sorry if this were posted before.....and I got this from the Digit Forums....
Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."
After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.
Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."
"Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."
lol:
Rev
One night four MBA students were boozing till late night and didn't study
for the test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning they thought of a plan. They made themselves look as dirty
and weird as they could with grease and dirt. Then they went up to the dean
and said that they had gone to a wedding last night and on their return the
tyre of their car burst and they had to push the car all the way back and
that they were in no condition to appear for the test.
The Dean was a Just person so he said that you can have a retest after three
days.
After 3 days they said they were ready. On the third day they appeared
before the dean. The Dean said that as this was a special condition all four
were required to be in separate rooms for the test.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in last three days. The test
consisted of two question with a total marks of 100.
Q1. Write down your Names. (2 marks)
Q2. Which tyre burst ? (98 marks)
Traveling on Indian Roads is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable -- and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.
Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English:
ARTICLE I:
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.
ARTICLE II:
Indian traffic, like Indian society,is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to:
Cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods-carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.
ARTICLE III:
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.
ARTICLE IV:
Use of horn (also known as the sonic fender or aural amulet):
Cars (IV,1,a-c):
Short blasts (urgent) indicate supremacy, IE in clearing dogs, rickshaws and pedestrians from path.
Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, IE to oncoming truck: "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic).
Single blast (casual) means: "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognise", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."
Trucks and buses (IV,2,a):
All horn signals have the same meaning, viz: "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could." This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps.
Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above.
ARTICLE V:
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.
ARTICLE VI:
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.
ARTICLE VII:
Rights of way:
Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle.
Lane discipline (VII,1):
All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre of the road.
ARTICLE VIII:
Roundabouts: India has no roundabouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.
ARTICLE IX:
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you.
Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing -- and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.
ARTICLE X:
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.
ARTICLE XI:
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.
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