Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

Air Force One comes in for a landing at the airport. A ramp is wheeled up and President Clinton appears carrying a pig under each arm. As he comes down the ramp, the Marine at the bottom snaps to a salute. Clinton says, "You'll have to excuse me. I can't return your salute. My hands are full." "Yes Sir. I see the pigs Sir!" responds the Marine. "Now hold on," says Clinton. "These aren't just pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks." "Yes Sir! Razorbacks Sir!" says the Marine. "I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary," Clinton explains. The Marine answers, "Yes Sir! An excellent trade if I may say so myself Sir!"

This letter is hilarious... No offence to Darling South Indians

An open letter from a Most Yeligible Bachellar from the South !!!!

Madam:

I am an olden young uncle living only with myself in Bangaloru. Having seen your advertisement for marriage purposes, I decided to press myself
on you and hope you will take me nicely.

I am a soiled son from inside Karnataka. I am nice and big, six foot tall and six inches long. My body is filled with hardness, as because I am working hardly. I am playing hardly also. Especially I like cricket and I am a good batter and I am fast baller. Whenever I come running in for balling, other batters start running. Everybody is scared of my rapid ***** that bounce a lot.

I am very nice man. I am always laughing loudly at everyone. I am jolly. I am gay.

Especially ladies, they are saying I am nice and soft. I am always giving respect to the ladies. I am always allowing ladies to get on top. That is how nice I am.

I am not having any bad habits. I am not drinking and I am not sucking tobacco or anything else. Every morning I am going to the gym and I am
pumping like anything. Daily I am pumping and pumping. If you want you can come and see how much I am pumping the dumb belles in the gym.

I am having a lot of money in my pants and my pants is always open for you. I am such a nice man, but still I am living with myself only. What
to do? So I am taking things into my own hands everyday. That is why I am pressing myself on you, so that you will come in my house and take my things into your hand.

If you are marrying me madam, I am telling you, I will be loving you very hard every day. In fact, I will stop pumping dumb belles in the gym.

If you are not marrying me madam and not coming to me, I will press you and press you until you come. So I am placing my head between your
nicely smelling feet and looking up with lots of hope. I am waiting very badly for your reply and I am stiff with anticipation.

Expecting soon,

Yours and only yours :-)

Women:
A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment overnight.
The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none of them confirm that.

Men:
A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment overnight.
So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirmed that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!

Conclusion:
Men are better friends

A Diary Entry of a True Heroine who saved 1600 lives.... Four times in a single day. Read till end.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffleboarding and hit some golf-ballz off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FOUR
Went to the ship's casino . did OK ... won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY ... DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today . . .four times !!!!

No offence meant guys!!

Here is a letter which was written from a sardar's mother to her son :

Pyaarey puttar,

Vahe Guru.I'm writing this letter slow, because I know you
cannot read fast.We don't live where we did when you left
home.Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen 20 miles
from home, so we moved 20 miles.I won't be able to send the address as the
last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their
new house so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice.It even has a washing machine,situated
right above the commode.I'm not sure it works too well.Last
week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them
since.The weather here isn't too bad.It rained only twice last week.The first it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.The coat you
wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to
send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put
them in the pocket.

Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is
cutting the grass at the cemetery.Your sister had a baby
this morning. I haven't found out whether it's a girl or a boy,
so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.Your uncle, Jatinder
fell in a the nearby well.Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought
them off bravely and drowned.We cremated him and he burned for three
days.

Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to
fulfil his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried
in the sea after he died.And your friend died while in the process of
digging a grave for his father. There isn ' t much more news this
time. Nothing much has happened.

Love Mom.

P.S : I was going to send you some money but the envelope
was already sealed.
Regards,
mom

On her 70th birthday, an old spinster decides it's time to finaly get married. Since she has no hot prospects, she decides to run this ad in the local newspaper:
"Seventy-year young virgin seeks husband. Must be in same age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me, and MUST still be good in bed. Apply in person"
The next day, her doorbell rings, and when she opens the door, much to her dismay is a gray haired man in a wheelchair, and he has no arms or legs.
She asks the man, "Do you really expect me to choose you? You don't even have any arms or legs!" The old man replies, "Well, I don't have arms, so how could I beat you?" The woman agrees, and asks him to proceed. "I don't have any legs, so how could I run around on you? Again, she agrees, and replies, "But how could you, without any arms or legs, possibly be good in bed?"

The man smiles and says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I.?"

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde.
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says,"I've heard that flights will go quicker if you
strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says
to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know,"says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let
me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out
a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you
suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest
idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh*t?"

[FONT=System] [/FONT]Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000"
He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer says, Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth ****."

[FONT=System] [/FONT]A 54-year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:
Dear Wife, I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18-year old secretary.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband, I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18-year old boy toy.
Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 go into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

[FONT=System] [/FONT]Nine year old Junior comes home from school one day and his mother asks what he learned. "Oh, mom," said Junior, "I learned how to f@@k today!" Mom is furious and sends him to his room explaining that he has to wait till his father gets home. Well, dad gets home about an hour later and is met by his irate wife. "Go talk to YOUR son!" she demands.
Dad goes up and finds his son sitting on the bed and asks what had happened. "Dad, all I told her is that I learned to f@@k today," says Junior. "That's my boy!!!!!" dad blurts out, but after thinking a moment he says, "Well, your mom is really upset about this, so I'm gonna have to ground you for a week. But, I see you're following in your father's footsteps. I'm quite proud of you."
The next day at the construction site, dad is bragging to all his co-workers about his nine year old son getting laid. "A chip off the old block!" he beams . "Of course, I didn't start till I was ten, but he's already becoming a man!!"
Dad comes home from work that night, proud as can be, barely kisses the wife's cheek as he rushes up to his son's room. "Well, son," he asks, "did you do it again today???"
"Oh, no!" exclaims Junior, "my butt still hurts from yesterday!"