Different groups of people have their favourite part of the anatomy. For the actress, it is her face, or maybe her nose or mouth. For the actor, it appears to be the six pack. For a model, it is her long legs. For a Tamil Nadu cop it is his moustache, often wore fearsome, unless you say it is his pot belly that prevents clear visibility of his toes. So, what is the favourite of a BHPian ? I have no doubt that it is the bum !
Consider the evidence.
There are no less than 45 separate threads (I counted) that deal with the mechanics and art of resting your posterior in a car. Granted that BHPians might be blessed with an ample backside, given that they are likely to be of “healthy proportions” due to their predilection to drive rather than walk. Even then, isn’t this clinching evidence regarding the most favoured part of the anatomy for a BHPian ?
Like a good soldier, I have read every post in the 45 threads in my serious quest to be a “Distinguished BHPian”. I have therefore acquired some mastery towards the various issues pertaining to this rather weighty subject. With due regard to the value of personal interaction with a guru, I went in search of Shivakumar of Imperial Leather by following Mod Vid6639’s instruction to look for
a lamppost in the middle of the road in order to find the venerable master. What I have learnt is the following
The surface of the seat is of paramount importance when it comes to ensuring tender loving care of your posterior. You have three options – Cloth, Artificial Leather and Leather
Advocates of Cloth swear by its “breathing properties”. Obviously it does not suffer from asthma. Since it breathes well, it apparently cools your sensitive backside. I am not sure that I like the insinuation that breathing through your backside is a desirable activity, but we shall let that pass mildly. I am also not sure what the benefits of a cool backside are, especially when the head is hot (witness the RPM count in the Revvmeter). The real truth is that the proponents here support it because its free – they have burnt all their money on the car itself, or by indulging in detailing of the type described in
this thread.
At the other end of the spectrum come leather seats. These are meant for that peculiar lot who get their kicks from placing their butts in close proximity to the butt of a cow. And drop a cool Rs 50,000 for the privilege. Since I do not have the aforesaid amount, I have essentially closed the option, observing snootily that I am a vegetarian.
What lies in the middle is Artificial Leather. This is meant for those who have the previously described kinky urge, but won’t admit it and do not have Rs 50,000 anyway (self included). Apparently the chief trouble with this is that you sweat like a pig (pun intended). And that it smells (Ugh !). I am tempted to say that olfactory misbehavior is more likely due to the organ placed on the seat than the seat itself, but that might be a tad below the belt. Interestingly one of the sub variants is called NAPA – I was previously under the impression that NAPA is exclusively associated with delectable wines which are more appropriate to the other end of the alimentary canal than the one placed on the seat. I also thought NAPA was in California, but apparently it is in some textile mill in Neemuch or Bhilwara or some such place. Just goes to show how much I have to learn from Team-BHP.
To perforate or not, that is the question (with due apologies to a 16th century bard). Even Hamlet would have been foxed by it. Careful consideration must be given to all those fancy rivets you have in your jeans and their propensity to bring the perforation along with you to your home.
Once you have chosen the material, then comes the stitching. There are 4 options – OE Fit, Tight Skin Fit, Snug Fit and Slip on. Good Lord; this seems to be more technical than the innards of the engine. You are warned to choose the technology carefully – choose wrongly and you’ll have a “loose fit” which might result in the consequences of friction in a sensitive part of the anatomy. Have a tight fit and squeaky sounds might emanate, as your jeans makes friends with the leather and which might be somewhat embarrassing considering the part of the anatomy we are talking about.
Finally we have the vexing issue of underthigh support. When I first encountered this term on TBHP – I double checked if I had inadvertently landed in a forum which is not of the family variety. But no; this is a grave matter. Apparently some BHPians have a riding style whereby they perch on their thighs rather than their bums (why else would thighs be more important). I would like a visual of this expert riding style as it would be pretty cool to emulate it.
Once such crucial matters have been decided upon, you then choose the colour. What about Fluorescent pink. Or Lime green. Apparently fashion divas adopt a two colour approach, with one of them matching the car’s exteriors. Wow. One of these days even car seats will sashay down the ramp as a fashion statement.
My head is in a whirl. The aforementioned guru showed me innumerable options on his computer and told me the choice was mine to make based on my tastes. Taste is not the first sensory capability that pops to the mind in relation to this matter, but we shall let that pass lightly too. My head whirled more and all gustatory perception capabilities abandoned me. I sheepishly hinted in a small voice that I would “go with his expertise”. He tut tutted and said that was no way for a BHPian to behave. I retreated with my tail between my legs. Hence this post as a plea for help from Distinguished BHPians. I am now convinced that this mythical status is perhaps beyond my reach !