Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

The following are some of the ideas for Ganguly to regain form and
stay in the middle for a longer duration.(subject to approval by
I.C.C)

IDEA NO:1: Plastic Ball or Tennis Ball or Rubber Ball to be used
while bowling to Ganguly.

IDEA NO:2: Only one stick should be kept while Ganguly is Batting
instead of Three so that his chances of getting out bowled will be
minimised

IDEA NO:3: Dada can wrap up his legs with 4 or 5 bats instead of
pads, so that there is no chance of getting out lbw.

IDEA NO:4: The size of the ball can be reduced to the size of a
lemon or size of his bat can be increased to twice its size. Or the
size of the ground can be decreased to that of a Basketball Ground.

IDEA NO:5: Fast Bowlers are prohibited to bowl the following
deliveries to Dada. They should not bowl Inswinger,Outswinger,Off
cutter, Leg cutter,Bouncer,Short Pitched Ball, Reverse swinging
ball, yorker,reverse swinging yorker,slower ball and most
importantly in and around the off stump corridor.

IDEA NO:6: Slow Bowlers are prohibited from bowling off spin,leg
spin,doosra,googly,china man,flipper,faster ball.

IDEA NO:7: Speed restrictions for bowlers: FAST BOWLERS: MAX 120
KMPH SLOW BOWLERS: MAX 50 KMPH.

IDEA NO:8 Fast bowlers in their runup should run like Mohinder
Amarnath and slow bowlers should not run at all.

IDEA NO:9 Ganguly can change his position as medium fast bowler
instead of Batsman and bat at no:11, so that by the time he enters
the ground 48 or 49 overs would have been bowled.

IDEA NO:10: I.C.C Should warn Pakistan Bowlers that hereafter any
bowler taking Dada's wicket, the number will not be added to the
bowler's tally of wickets.

IDEA NO:11: Bowlers should not appeal for dismissal of Ganguly. Even
a small appeal (not necessarily loud appealing or excessive
appealing) will lead to match refereee Chris Broad suspending the
bowler for the rest of the series.

IDEA NO:12: Fast Bowlers should only throw the ball and slow bowlers
should use underarm throw.

IDEA NO:13: Even after this if Ganguly gets out, the bowler will be
called a chucker and new rule for bowling action, i.e.( 2 degrees
bending of bowling arm allowed for fast bowlers and 3 degrees
bending of bowling arm for slow bowlers) will be taken into account
and the bowler will be immediately sent to Australia by next flight
for corrective action.

IDEA NO:14: No fielder should catch the ball hit by Dada. If they
catch, then any of the opening batsman who got out earlier, like
virender shewag will be allowed to bat for second time.

IDEA NO: 15: For every minute Dada stays in the middle, one run will
be added to his score and if the ball hits the bat and travels to
the following places, runs will be credited to Dada as follows.
Slip,Gully,Forward Short Leg: 1 run Mid on,mid off, cover,point: 2
runs long on,long off,fine leg,third man: 3 runs.

And finally if Dada's wicket is taken before he reaches 50 runs all
pakistani players will be fined 50% of their match fees.

Cheers !

One fat guy - goes to a popular GYM in Bangalore sees an ad for a new
gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on
the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They
lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and
ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying "If you catch me, I'm yours."

He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed.

Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes
the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5kg.

He's back on the street and starts to think.

"God, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time...
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."

"No problem," says the manager.

Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door
when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign, "If I catch you, you're
mine."

The message was Clear. A driver in Red from Maranello was not going to have a chair after 2006.
As soon as the message was 'clear', Ron Dennis 'knew' this was the oportunity he was waiting for, make a few calls and the meeting was set.
Everything was secret. Not even Flavio was invited.
And after a few minutes everything was set. Ron makes sure that his offer was soooooooo good that the young champion cannot decline his numbers.
Ron leave the building. He was using his black glasses and a funny hat. No cameras were allowed in the building. Every record was destroyed. It was the perfect crime.
The new Champ has a new master.
Not far from there, a man was waiting in a restaurant. He is not from the neighborhood. He was drinking his third or fourth cup of black coffee. The phone rings. The man took his cellular and went to a corner of the place. His voice was just loud enough.

- What is the password.?
- Excuse me?
- are you son?
- Flavio?
- Yes. This is me. How is everything?
- It's a deal. I have the check.
- Are you sure Ron signed it?
- yes. He signed it in front of me. He thinks he is my boss now.
- good. good. Does he knows that 20% of your salary is mine?
- Isn't it 20% too much Flavio?
- When I know you, you were nothing. How much is 20% of nothing?
- I think you have a point...
- Not to mention that I need your chair in Renault for a new friend.
- I have to go flavio... see you later.
- Ok. don't lose the check.

...just before Ron arrived to his office, the news was in every website. Montoya cannot believe it. Either Mclaren was running 3 cars in 2007 or somebody has been fired.

-I cannot F*&@*%$#@&...ing believe it! that Son of a perra... sh*$#@..

Juan pablo sit down and tried to think again...

-Ok.. if the Spaniard has a contract... who is going to lose a chair?

Montoya cannot believe it. Connie came running to his side ....

- Connie, honey... Did you remember one week ago that I said in an interview that at some point in the future, I will quit this business?

Connie just moved her pretty head.

-Well... I think Dennis just granted me that wish.

In a distant place, Kimi was dancing in a discotheque, his pants dangerously down. An assistant gave him the news.

Kimi, took the paper carefully, the loud music did not permit the assistant to talk. Kimi read. He only saw few words that seems to dance in the paper...

-Cool. He said, and start taking his shirt off.

The following conversation was intercepted a few hours ago. We have to keep the identities of the peolple involved as a secret. Please do not distribute this information.

TOP SECRET-----

Ringggggg.!!!

- Mamma?
- Hello dear.
- I have good news.
- Oh, I want to hear it.
- I just got number ONE status in my team....
- Congratulations...OH I am so happy...
- Me too Mamma.
- Wait... I thought that Alonso is number one since he is a better driver than you...
- He is no better than me. He is just another champion.
- hmmmm Are you sure that you are now number one?
- Yes. Alonso, Or 'the traitor' as we call him now, is going to Mclaren so Flavio does not trust him anymore.
- And he trusts you after the way you drive in Suzuka?
- OH come on Mamma, Kimi's car was faster than mine.
- isn't it that kimi has *****?
- Mamma!
- Sorry son, but I thought I was going to see you winning an easy race.
- Anyway, Flavio gave me number one status and I am Happy.
- That's all I want. Your happiness.
- I am more Happy than Montoya right now.
- What happens to him?
- Didn't listen the news? Montoya is now the Third driver of Mclaren.
- Eowwwwwwwww
- See you later Mamma.
- Arrivederchi bambino.

The announcer say it clearly........., Montoya destroys competition in Bahrain. Only 2 more laps and he could go home with 10 points. 9 seconds behind Kimi is pushing and pushing . The Colombian flags were waving in the stands while the cool pilot from Mclaren keeps momentum.

"Just keep the back markers on line Juan" Somebody told him in the radio.

Alonso, who was coming in third place, was harassing Kimi. Only .024 was the difference between those two pilots.

Montoya takes the last corner at the public stand, crosses the line. Now only one lap to go. 4 seconds later two cars cross the line chasing the clearly slower car of Montoya.

"We do not know if Montoya is having a problem or it is just another way to demolish its rivals. At this point we do not know who is going to win in Bahrain"

"Alonso Did it. What a way to drive, And now he is in second place. The cameras show Montoya's car, two car at the distance moving in behind him.

Denis face is shown for a moment. Kimi counter attacks. and the coolest guy of the paddock recovers his place a the podium. Alonso is angry. Shows his arm and a few fingers to Kimi. @ second ahead Montoya struggles with his car.

Alonso is attacking again. The public cannot be seated. Mclaren can have first and second. But who is it going to be?

Two more corners... Now its one, two three cars in a row. what happens to Montoya's car. The TV now show Montoya's tires and they are not good. Alonso opens to the right, kimi must close the door and they touch.... YES!!!! He touched JPM car, last corner, Alonso is Attacking again, Montoya is first.. Kimi is second and Alonso is crazy, The best finish of the decade, the public scream and ... yes..... he did it. The winner of Bahrain is...Juan.

Juan.

Juan!!!! Get me a pamper...

Montoya was now seated in his bed. His wife (the always beautiful Connie) with a child in her arms.

-Can you get me a pamper. I have to change Sebastian again.
_Honey... I have a dream. I was in the last lap in Bahrain and I win the race. What does this dreams means sweety?

-Must be the double hamburger from last night.
- you think so?
- Yeah. What color was the car?
- It was black and silver. My tires were in bad @%&*$* condition.
-It means you are history Juancho.
-Agggghhhhhhh?
- Look Juan. Everybody knows by now that the new color of those cars are kind of yellow. So The dream means you are a thing of the past.
-Damn it. Did Ferrari call?
-NO yet.

Note of the publisher: The analysis of the dreams was of Connie's. We are not responsible for the dreams of our characters.

Here are the top most reply of a girl, when you
propose her...

1) Nahi.................???

2) Chiiiii.....Kitne gande vichar hain
tumhare.......

3) Maine tumhe sirf ek acche dost ki nazar se dekha
hai ....

4) Mera pehle se ek boyfrnd hai....

5 ) Main in baton pe vishwas nahi karti, apne padhai
pe dhyaan lagao...

6) tum abhi tak mujhe jaante kahan ho ?Yeh shayad
infatuation hai....

7) Tumhara bank balance kitna hai…??

8) Magar last year to maine tumhe raakhi baandhi thi
..hai naa..bhaiyya..??

9) Mein abhi is relation ke liye mentally prepared
nahi hoo....

10) Mein apne dady se pooch ke tumhe kaal answer
karu…??

11) Itni si baat kehne ke liye itni der lagaa di??

12) Ye donon ke dil me hai na, to phir kya kehna!!

13) Sorry

14) "……Apna chehra kabhi aayine me dekha hai…..
L……………………………"

15) "Main toh tumhe apna Bhai maanati hu"

16) "Yes .. I too like you … (but hope you don't
cheat on me ) " … (Which we
guys most oftenly do )

17) Phele kyon nahi bataya ab tum late ho gaye ..

18) Tum agar pehle mile hote to sochti.

19) Tumhari himmat kaise hui mere baare mein aisa
sochne ki… (probably
followed by a slap)

20) Girl: mujhe sochna ka wakt do…
Guy: kitna wakt???(with hope)
Girl: saat janam

21) Mai ek shaadi shuda ladki hu ;-)

22) Mein tumhare chotte bhai se pyaar karti hoon…

23) Now that's a real tragedy….
Girl: Hee hee ……hee hee hee…..hee ….hee……hee……
Hee hee ……hee hee hee…..hee ….hee……hee……

24) Boy: I love U!
Gal: I don't think abt all this before marriage.

25) Keep loving I don't care.

26) Tum mere liye kya kar sakte ho…

27) Kaun sa number hai mera tumhare proposals ki
history mein.
Ha ha ha ha….

28) tumhe is nazar se kabhi dekha nahi

29) tumhare barre mein kabhi aisa socha nahi

30) mummy se pooch kar bataungi

31) mere bhaiyya se baat kar lo , who hi tumhe
samajhayenge

32) Knyo, Tina ne "No" bola?

33) Lekin tum to Mina ke piche pade the, Kya usne
thappad mara?

34) Kitne time ke liye -???

35) Worst one-- Jo bhi bolna hai jaldi bolo mera
beta school se aata hoga..

36) Thanks. I love you, too.

37) Boy :- Sonya, I love U…..
Gal :- Sorry , Next 3 Months tak Waiting List chal
rahi hai….

38) "What?"

39) "Let's just stay away from this"

40)

41)

44) My friend in college got one classic reply … "I
THINK I'M ENGAGED"

45) "I think, I will have better options in future
..."
Mujhe tumse is baare mein koi baat nahi karni, then
she starts ignoring,
phir bhi nahi
sudhare then she threatens via some common friends.

46) My Boy friend is very short Tempered. Beware of
it.

47) like you as a friend but I never thought about
us like this…cant we be
just good friends for ever

47) Actually my younger sis likes you a lot. ..

48) My mummy does not like your family (if the
family knows each other.) ..

49) "Why me?..Tumne mere meih essa kya dekha?..."she
wants you to list down
all the Good qualities that you even might have not
seen in her. ...

50) SLAP !! ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS....it is
said ..

51)hehe I didnt expect that from you....

52)nice joke ...

53)tu ladke kuchh or nahi soch sakte jaha ladki
dekhi fisl gaye.....

54)achha tum bhi meine socha sirf harsh,nikhil,ravi,
etc etc ko hi mujhme
interest hai
and then walks on.............

55)tumhe to purpose karna bhi nahi aata paheli bari
hai kya koyi baat nahi
mein batati hun...

hey check this out, hope this is not posted b4...if yes...mods pls delete this

It was professor Smith's first day at st. Johns medical college as a faculty.
Known for his teaching excellence, he made his entry into a classroom of 1st year medical students, where he received a warm welcome from the students, followed by their intro.
To start with, he planned to put forth a question to the class.
He said, "Well students, before we start off with today's lecture, let me ask you a simple question on human anatomy".

He gazed across the classroom, spotted a female student Suzie, and said, "Tell me Suzie, which part of the human body grows 10 times its original size when excited?"

Hearing this question, Suzie's face grew pale in embarrassment, she replied:" you should be ashamed to ask such a question to a female.
I am sorry, but I can't answer your, this question".
Thwarted by the girl's reply, professor smith rolled on his sight around the classroom afresh, to find out if there was anyone else who could satisfy his query.
This time he located a bright intelligent male student Pratheesh, who had already raised his hand in affirmation to answer the question, and allowed the lad to go ahead.
Pratheesh answered: "pupil of a human eye" The professor applauded for the boy's accurate answer; then turned back to Suzie and said:
"Look, Suzie, I am sorry but, I must tell you a couple of things:
(1) You lack knowledge
(2) You have a dirty mind and

This is the best one………

(3) Your Expectations are too high!!!!!!!(10 times........huh......MY GOD!!)

Journalists at Don Ajit's house taking his interview.. they enquired
him abt his "success ka raaz" ..

He calls robert.. " Robert bring me a Baaz (a bird : just incase u guys
dont know!! )" .. robert immediately brings the baaz..

Ajit asks Mona to give the baaz a bath .. Mona carries out his order..
he asks mona to put the baaz on his hand.. he pours water on the baaz,
takes out his gun and shoots the baaz.. and says" yeh hai meri success
ka raaz"...

All the journalists are lost.. how come this is your success ka raaz...

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In comes the reply" Main Dhoke-Baaz ko maar deta hoon .. "

Banta was bragging to his boss one day,
" You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just
name someone, anyone, and
I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff,
"OK, Banta how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove
it."
So Banta and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock
on Tom Cruise's
door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Banta!
Great to see you!
You and your friend come right in and join me for
lunch!"

Although impressed, Banta's boss is still skeptical.
After they leave
Cruise's
house, he tells Banta that he thinks Banta knowing
Cruise was just
lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Banta says.
"President Bush,"
his boss quickly retorts. "Yes," Banta says, "I! Know
him, let's fly out
to Washington."

At the White House, Bush spots Banta on the tour and
motions
him and his boss over, saying, "Banta, what a
surprise, I was just on
my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on
in and have a cup
of coffee first."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not
totally convinced.
After they leave the White House, he expresses his
doubts to Banta, who again implores him to name anyone
else.
"The Pope," his boss replies.
"Sure!" says Banta. "My folks are from Poland, and I
have known
the Pope a long time." So they fly to Rome. Banta and
his boss are
assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Banta
says,
"This will never work. I cannot catch the Pope's eye
among all these people.
Tell you what, I
know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I
will come out!
on the balcony with the Pope."

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward
the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Banta
emerges with the
Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Banta returns, he finds that his boss
has had a
heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his
boss's side, Banta asks him, "What happened?" His
boss looks up and
says," I was doing fine until you and the Pope came
out on the balcony
and the man next to me said,

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Who is that on the balcony with Banta?"