Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

So, how many could you understand ?
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1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m travelling light.”

2. “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: “Hello, I’d like a beer.” The barman replies: “Hello, you’d like a beer?” “Yes,” replies the TCP packet, “I’d like a beer.”

5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: “Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?” The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost.”

6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.

9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.

10. The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”

14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”

20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.

22. What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.

23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”

25. A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Quote:

Originally Posted by thoma (Post 3127845)

Disclaimer: I don't know if this should be put here or on the accidents thread. I also do not know if this has been shared previously. But what I know is that it he is a silly silly driver and I had a good laugh viewing this clip over and over again. Does not feel for the guy

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4776590020168

Coming back to this forum after a long time, I went through many pages of this thread in one go. By God, this one had tears in my eyes each time I showed it and I had to show it to my entire family.

In Kerala, people are generally patient (than me who is still unable to fathom it) and there is a saying that one falls into the hole he has dug for others. To see that he got divine retribution within seconds is reassuring.

The following joke came up in Malayala Manorama daily couple of years back. I don't remember the author but hats off to his humour. Sorry for the lengthy post and no offense to the tail enders of Lucifer as well.:)
As per the Bible the Lord created the Universe, created the living beings, created Adam and found him lonely.
In order to give him a companion, He took a bone from the rib of Adam. By the time the Almighty was tired after days of hardwork creating various things. So he decided to get some sleep before creating the woman and called Gabriel the angel and ordered him to guard the bone he had taken from Adam's rib for the time being as Lucifer (satan) was always trying to cause mischief by sabotaging the Lord's plans.
Gabriel the angel was on full alert for a couple of hours and finding it uneventful, let his guard down by taking forty winks. Lucifer took the oportunity ,grabbed the bone and ran. Gabriel woke up just in time to see Lucifer take off with the bone and charged after him. Gabriel knew that he had to get hold of Lucifer before he jumped into the pit that led to hell. But Lucifer was a fast runner and made it to the pit and jumped. Gabriel made a desperate attempt by doing a flying tackle and took a grab at Lucifers tail. Now as Lucifer was falling into the pit, the piece of his tail in the hold of Gabriel broke off and he escaped to hell with Adam's bone.
It was now Gabriel's turn to worry, if the Lord finds out that Lucifer has Adam's bone, then His anger will be on him. He worried and worried and worried and suddenly it struck him. He skinned the broken piece of Lucifer's tail and found it resembling the rib bone of Adam. So he quietly put the replacement in place.
The Lord woke up sleepyheaded, took the bone and created Eve ! :)

WHY MEN AREN'T ALLOWED
TO RUN ADVICE In LOVE
COLUMNS IN MAGAZINES
AND NEWSPAPERS

Anonymous:
Hi! I'm a lady aged 26 married with one kid. Last week my husband was off duty and I had to drive alone to work. I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home. I drove for just about 2km from home n my car engine started 2 overheat so i had to turn back and get another car. When i got home i found my husband in bed with our maid. I don't know what to do now. Please help.

Reply by male columnist:
Dear anonymous.
Overheating of engine after such short distance can be caused by problems associated with the carburetor. U need to check your oil and water level in your engine b4 u start your journey. U must also make sure your car is serviced regularly to avoid problems in future. Hope this helped you...!!