The Official Joke thread

noopster · 19th November 2012, 19:38

^^ There are no mods in a marriage, only Distinguished ex-husbands.

IronH4WK · 19th November 2012, 20:01

Quote:

Originally Posted by Samurai

Actually he can edit anytime, for he is a moderator.

yes he can and i presume he did, but after an edit the Last edited by shows.. like the bump on his head

mayankk · 20th November 2012, 11:53

A victim from the W&W thread reacts?

ninjatalli · 20th November 2012, 12:42

Song of a recent to-be-released Akshay Kumar movie.

Sorry, this can not be translated. I'll literally have to go bonkers to explain the words. No points for guessing the music director, composer & lyricist - all being the same person

Quote:

Teri akhiyon ka waar jaise sher ka shikar
Tera husn dhueydaar jaise jaltaa cigar
Teri akhiyon ka waar jaise sher ka shikar
Tera husn dhueydaar jaise jaltaa cigar
Tere pyar ka nasha kabhi aar kabhi paar

Tera pyaar pyaar pyaar hookah bar
Tera pyaar pyaar pyaar hookah bar
Tera pyaar pyaar pyaar hookah bar bar bar
Tera pyaar pyaar pyaar hookah bar (x2)

Tu jo naa ho mere rubaroo
Bin tere jeene se main daru
Hai yahi tamanna meri bas tere liye jiyu maru
Tera huya jo deedar baaje dil me sitaar
Tera husn dhuyedaar jaise jaltaa cigar
Tere pyar ka nasha kabhi aar kabhi paar

Tera pyar pyar pyar hookah bar
Tera pyar pyar pyar hookah bar
Tera pyar pyar pyar hookah bar bar bar
Tera pyar pyar pyar hookah bar
O ho...

Jaage hum yunhi raat bhar
Hai hawaaon mai awaargi
Yeh kashish yeh deewangi
Hai tujhi se meri tishnagi
Hai junnon ye sawaar main to bhoola sansaar
Tera husn dhueydaar jaise jaltaa cigar
Tere pyar ka nasha kabhi aar kabhi paar

Tera pyar pyar pyar hookah bar
Tera pyar pyar pyar hookah bar
Tera pyar pyar pyar hookah bar bar bar
Tera pyar pyar pyar hookah bar (x2)

Edit: Ok, let me give it a shot - translated version

Quote:

Your eyesight (movement) is like fight of tigers
Your beauty is like a burning cigar
Your eyesight (movement) is like fight of tigers
Your beauty is like a burning cigar
Your love's (potion?) is sometimes in sometimes out (?)

Your love love love (is) hookah bar
your love love love (is) hookah bar
your love love love (is) hookah bar bar bar
your love love love (is) hookah bar (x2)

Damn, I can't do this any longer

Rufus_M · 20th November 2012, 13:23

Quote:

Originally Posted by ninjatalli

Song of a recent to-be-released Akshay Kumar movie.

Sorry, this can not be translated. I'll literally have to go bonkers to explain the words. No points for guessing the music director, composer & lyricist - all being the same person

Edit: Ok, let me give it a shot - translated version

Damn, I can't do this any longer

Mahn! You had me in splits!!

A warm welcome to Himesh on TBHP ;-)

I appreciate the trouble you took ninjatalli :-P. Would like more translations from you!

amitoj · 21st November 2012, 02:00

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

carzone · 21st November 2012, 11:48

Quote:

Originally Posted by amitoj

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

--------------

And that's when he shot her.

Nice one there!

Heres one I picked up from FB. Has it been posted earlier?

The Official Joke thread-16032_509904472366688_1536008371_n.jpg

Rufus_M · 21st November 2012, 22:10

All new series of Rajnikanth:

Rajnikanth was shot today... Tomorrow is the bullet`s funeral!

Rajnikanth killed a terrorist in Pakistan 'via Bluetooth'!

Rajnikanth can draw a straight line with a compass!

Rajnikanth knows who let the dogs out!!

Rajnikanth`s pulse is measured in Richter scale!

The new Rupee symbol is actually Rajnikanth`s signature!!!

Rajnikanth has a statue of Madame Tussauds at his house!!

Rajnikanth is the secret of Boost`s
energy;
and Complan is a Rajnikanth boy!

Rajnikanth participated in 100m race, obviously he came first, but
Einstein died watching that, since Light came second!!

When Alexander Graham Bell first used his telephone, he realized that he already had two missed calls from Rajinikanth.

Why does needle of magnetic compass always point towards North??? . . Because, RAJINIKANTH lives in the South and no one has guts to point at him!!!

The apple which fell on Newton was actually thrown by Rajinikanth!

An email was sent from Pune to Mumbai, Rajinikanth stopped it in Lonawla!

Rajinikanth can whistle in 5 different languages!

Only Rajinikanth knows why Mona Lisa is smiling.

Rajinikanth is the person in the world who can make his girlfriend admit her mistake!

Rajinikanth went to the world cooking championship...of course Rajini won. But guess what did he make in final??? Lal mirchi ki meethi kheer. :-D

mayankk · 21st November 2012, 23:10

Er, refute please.

Somehow not able to remove duplicate.

The Official Joke thread-img20121121wa0000.jpg

Urban_Nomad · 21st November 2012, 23:24

Quote:

Originally Posted by amitoj

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS...

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

Please add 10 "thanks" to your existing count.

Hilarious!

amitoj · 21st November 2012, 23:40

Quote:

Originally Posted by carzone

Nice one there!

!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Urban_Nomad

Please add 10 "thanks" to your existing count.

Hilarious!

Glad you guys liked it! The "cold nosed" part specially had me in splits.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mayankk

Er, refute please.

I've seen this before somewhere. 0/0 is undefined. So, you can set it to anything. n * 0 = 0, so 0/0 = n

Harshal.Bhosale · 22nd November 2012, 00:41

Quote:

Originally Posted by mayankk

...

We used to fool friends a lot with these types :-D

Perplexing to the casual observer, but you can't cancel out (10-10)/(10-10). Since its the same as 0/0, an indeterminate form.

aargee · 23rd November 2012, 09:39

A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.

She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled mop, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror

dZired · 24th November 2012, 12:39

Another one from FB

The Official Joke thread-9705_388060937939070_1795611757_n.jpg

ramzsys · 25th November 2012, 09:05

Confusing... Who hires whom?

http://bangalore.olx.in/high-profile...-iid-457590952

19th November 2012, 19:38	#7516
noopster Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2010 Location: Pune Posts: 9,266 Thanked: 13,116 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread ^^ There are no mods in a marriage, only Distinguished ex-husbands.

20th November 2012, 11:53	#7518
mayankk Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: New Delhi Posts: 5,208 Thanked: 8,498 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread A victim from the W&W thread reacts? Attached Images

21st November 2012, 02:00	#7521
amitoj Senior - BHPian Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Windham, NH USA Posts: 3,390 Thanked: 3,366 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS... Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why. A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream. The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor. His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out. About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief. But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat. By now, the police had arrived. Breathe here... They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake! The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife. Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. And that's when he shot her.

21st November 2012, 23:10	#7524
mayankk Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: New Delhi Posts: 5,208 Thanked: 8,498 Times View My Garage	Er, refute please. Somehow not able to remove duplicate. Last edited by aah78 : 3rd October 2013 at 23:57. Reason: Duplicate removed.

23rd November 2012, 09:39	#7528
aargee Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: TSTN Posts: 6,315 Thanked: 9,908 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread A number of 12 year old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled mop, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror

21st November 2012, 22:10	#7523
Rufus_M BHPian Join Date: Oct 2012 Location: Mangalore Posts: 103 Thanked: 34 Times	All new series of Rajnikanth: Rajnikanth was shot today... Tomorrow is the bullet`s funeral! Rajnikanth killed a terrorist in Pakistan 'via Bluetooth'! Rajnikanth can draw a straight line with a compass! Rajnikanth knows who let the dogs out!! Rajnikanth`s pulse is measured in Richter scale! The new Rupee symbol is actually Rajnikanth`s signature!!! Rajnikanth has a statue of Madame Tussauds at his house!! Rajnikanth is the secret of Boost`s energy; and Complan is a Rajnikanth boy! Rajnikanth participated in 100m race, obviously he came first, but Einstein died watching that, since Light came second!! When Alexander Graham Bell first used his telephone, he realized that he already had two missed calls from Rajinikanth. Why does needle of magnetic compass always point towards North??? . . Because, RAJINIKANTH lives in the South and no one has guts to point at him!!! The apple which fell on Newton was actually thrown by Rajinikanth! An email was sent from Pune to Mumbai, Rajinikanth stopped it in Lonawla! Rajinikanth can whistle in 5 different languages! Only Rajinikanth knows why Mona Lisa is smiling. Rajinikanth is the person in the world who can make his girlfriend admit her mistake! Rajinikanth went to the world cooking championship...of course Rajini won. But guess what did he make in final??? Lal mirchi ki meethi kheer. :-D

24th November 2012, 12:39	#7529
dZired Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jun 2012 Location: Bengaluru Posts: 1,868 Thanked: 7,972 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread Another one from FB

25th November 2012, 09:05	#7530
ramzsys Senior - BHPian Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: NH209 Posts: 1,786 Thanked: 1,466 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Confusing... Who hires whom? http://bangalore.olx.in/high-profile...-iid-457590952