[ajmat]

Three 40 something ladies all ex school pals,were having a girly lunch. When the subject of their love life's came up
The first one who was married to a toy boy 20 years her junior said it was like a exotic Italian sports car fast exciting some times tempremental but always different
The second one who is married to someone the same age said her love life was like a Japanese saloon car safe reliable but a little unexciting
The 3rd one who was married to someone 20 years her senior says her love lfe was a bit like a vintage car, you had to start it by hand & jump on whilst the going was good!!

[VtecDeGr8]

An anxious husband called the hospital to ask about his wife who was Pregnant.
Accidentally, he called the cricket stadium.
He asked, "How are things?"
He died after hearing this reply:
"Fine!! Three are out, we hope to have the remaining seven out by lunch.
And the last one out was a duck."

[MalluDude]

Originally Posted by MustangMan

Pun/one-liner for the Audio Gurus: "Let us give you some sound advice!"

That was a good one!

[revtech]

Jimmy received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and worse vocabulary.

Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music... anything he could think of. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior".

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the Chicken did?"


Rev

[revtech]

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc. So he asked his class, "Where is Jesus today?"

Steven raised his hand and said, "He's in heaven." Mary was called on and answered, "He's in my heart."

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out - "I know! I know! He's in our bathroom!!!"

The whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response. The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Little Johnny how he knew this.

And Little Johnny said, "Well...every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells - 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there!?'!"


Rev

[VtecDeGr8]

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby.

She said, "Let's start with the boys first." Boys start giving their intro...

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next."

Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next."

Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please."

First gi "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds."

Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next."

Second gi "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes."

Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next. You sweet girl, Yes you..." the Most beautiful girl of the class:

"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take a looooong bath in the bathtub."

[VtecDeGr8]

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.
- Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning
and does not stop until you get into the office.
- Robert Frost

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?
- Jean Cocturan

Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

[Catamaran]

Guys...
See the new Toyota Cowrolla 2005...Launched only in India

[Sid Schumacher]

Two married friends are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says:
"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up,and Yells at me for staying out so late! "



His friend looks at him and says:
"Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her on the @ss and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep! Works Every Time!!!"

[Sid Schumacher]

> Bill Gates met God, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on
> this one.
> I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or to Hell. After all,
> you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every
> home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows.
> I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you
> decide where you want to go.
> "Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?"
> God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek at both place.
> Shall we look at Hell first?"
> Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters.
> There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around,
> playing
> in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
>
>
>
> The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
>
>
>
> "This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see
> Heaven." God said, "Let's go!" and off they went to Heaven.
>
>
>
> Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels
> drifting about, playing harps and singing.
>
>
>
> It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for only
> a
> brief moment and rendered his decision.
>
>
>
> "God, I do believe I would prefer to go to Hell." As you wish," said
> God.
>
>
>
> Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to
> see
> how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming
> amidst
> the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with
> pitchforks. "How ya doing', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with
> anguish and despair,
>
>
>
> "This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What happened to
> the
> beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
>
>
>
> "Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver."
>
>

[Sid Schumacher]

This is creepy!
Think of a letter between
A and W.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Keep going ............................ . .
Don't stop . . ..
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Repeat it
out loud
as you
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animals name
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Almost
there........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.
.
.
.
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
persons name?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
. Of course they f*ckin don’t.......
.
.
.
.Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,

[Sid Schumacher]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to a lady kneeling at a grave.

The lady seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached her and said, "Mam, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect herself, then replied, "My husband's first wife

[Sid Schumacher]

This man and this woman share a bunk bed with their son. The man and woman sleep on the top and the kid sleeps on the bottom. One night when the kid is asleep, the parents climb to their bed. The man says to the woman, "Say ham when you want it harder, say cheese when you want it softer."

All through the night the kid hears, "HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese, HAM, HAM, HAM, cheese!"

When the kid wakes up the next morning, he tells his mother, "Mommy, you got to stop making those ham and cheese sandwiches at night cause I end up getting mayonnaise all over me!"

[VtecDeGr8]

A young man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Hello, could you give me condom. I'm going to my girlfriends for dinner and I think I may be in with a chance!" The pharmacist gives him the condom and as the young man is going out;

He returns and says, "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think I might strike it lucky there too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says, "Go on, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mum is still pretty cute and when she sees me she always makes eyes, and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting me to make a move!

During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mum facing him. When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying, "Dear Lord, bless this dinner and thank you for all you give us." A minute later the boy is still praying; "Thank you Lord for your kindness." Ten minutes go by and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend is even more surprised than the others. She gets close to the boy and says in his ear, "I didn't know you were so religious." The boy replies, "I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!"

[Badcheetah]

Brian came into his wife's room one day. "If I were, say, disfigured, would you still love me?" he asked her.

"Darling, I'll always love you," she said calmly, filing her nails.

"How about if I became crippled and couldn't make love to you any more?" Brian asked nervously.

"Don't worry, darling, I'll always love you," she told him, buffing her nails.

"Well, how about if I lost my job as vice president?" Brian went on, "if I weren't pulling in six figures any more. Would you still love me then?"

The wife looked over at her husband's worried face. "Frank, I'll always love you," she reassured him, "but most of all, I'll really miss you."