The Official Joke thread

Spitfire · 14th October 2011, 14:55

Guys who know George Carlin. This one is one of his best.

#11 Driving - YouTube

WARNING: Like all stand-up comedies this has a good sprinkling of swear words.

padikpanther · 14th October 2011, 15:07

An advt for a used, second hand BMW: (a pic of of a really hot chick lying on a bed and the slogan below is) 'You know your are not the first, but do you really care?'

akj53 · 14th October 2011, 17:46

OBAMA AND QUEEN ELIZABETH

As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

Astleviz · 14th October 2011, 20:02

Supposed to reduce accidents by 45%

Klub Class · 14th October 2011, 20:22

Quote:

Originally Posted by Astleviz

Supposed to reduce accidents by 45%

This image was shared on this thread, and elsewhere umpteen times, for the record!

IronH4WK · 14th October 2011, 21:45

Quote:

Originally Posted by Astleviz

Supposed to reduce accidents by 45%

you're hereby condored!!

i know its difficult to search for images!

Astleviz · 14th October 2011, 22:17

You bet, especially on a thread that has 360 pages and over 5300 posts

anjan_c2007 · 14th October 2011, 22:46

MY DOCTOR...

Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again.

He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years, before he realized she was Chinese.

Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months.

While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him."

Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops."

One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?"

I remember one time I told my doctor I had some ringing sound in my ears. His advice:"Don't answer it."

My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - If they don't work, give me a ring."

Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later."

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to those places.

You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, Then he says,"I wish you had come to me sooner."

salbin · 15th October 2011, 00:45

Hitler's Reaction to the Mahindra XUV5oo launch!!

Hitler's Reaction to the Mahindra XUV500 launch - YouTube

dhanushs · 15th October 2011, 02:25

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a body shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...

"HELLLLO" "You need to wind up the windows"

Eddy · 15th October 2011, 11:18

Here's a good one !

Scorcher · 15th October 2011, 18:48

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not haveto testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?"

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

"The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the nerve to pull the trigger."

Lawyers, I say!

anjan_c2007 · 15th October 2011, 19:28

A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a huge birthday cake on the phone.
The salesman asked him what message, he wanted to put on the cake. He thought for a moment, and said, put "you're getting older, but you're getting better".
The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?".
The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better" at the bottom.
When the cake was unveiled, at the party, all the guests were aghast at the message, on the cake.
It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"!!
Moral of the Story:
1. Always proof-read everything before you send.
2. Don't trust others to write it right for you.
3. NEVER order cakes by telephone.

Fordmanchau · 15th October 2011, 20:00

This one is too good. I had a hearty laugh on reading the first one only

The second one is already on the thread but that few years back

m_upreti · 15th October 2011, 20:52

Quote:

Originally Posted by salbin

Hitler's Reaction to the Mahindra XUV5oo launch!!

Real good one. Also tweeted by Anand Mahindra

14th October 2011, 15:07	#5402
padikpanther BHPian Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Pune Posts: 98 Thanked: 105 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread An advt for a used, second hand BMW: (a pic of of a really hot chick lying on a bed and the slogan below is) 'You know your are not the first, but do you really care?'

14th October 2011, 20:02	#5404
Astleviz BHPian Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Panjim, Goa Posts: 370 Thanked: 175 Times	Re: New sfatey seat belt Supposed to reduce accidents by 45% Attached Thumbnails

14th October 2011, 22:17	#5407
Astleviz BHPian Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Panjim, Goa Posts: 370 Thanked: 175 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread You bet, especially on a thread that has 360 pages and over 5300 posts

14th October 2011, 22:46	#5408
anjan_c2007 Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: India Posts: 8,675 Thanked: 22,659 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread MY DOCTOR... Let me tell you about my doctor. He's very good! If you tell him you want a second opinion, He'll go out and come in again. He treated one woman for yellow jaundice for three years, before he realized she was Chinese. Another time, he gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, So, the doctor gave him another six months. While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, "Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible." The doctor said, "Tell him I can't see him." Another time, a man came running in the office and yelled, "Doctor, doctor! - my son just swallowed a roll of film!" The doctor calmly replied, "Let's just wait and see what develops." One patient came in and said, "Doctor, I have a serious memory problem." The doctor asked, "When did it start?" The man replied, "When did what start?" I remember one time I told my doctor I had some ringing sound in my ears. His advice:"Don't answer it." My doctor sure has his share of nut cases. One said to him, "Doctor, I think I'm a bell." The doctor gave him some pills and said, "Here, take these - If they don't work, give me a ring." Another guy told the doctor that he thought he was a deck of cards. The doctor simply said, "Go sit over there. I'll deal with you later." When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, He told me to stop going to those places. You know, doctors can be so frustrating. You wait a month and a half for an appointment, Then he says,"I wish you had come to me sooner." Last edited by anjan_c2007 : 14th October 2011 at 22:47.

15th October 2011, 02:25	#5410
dhanushs Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Chennai Posts: 4,415 Thanked: 11,146 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a body shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ... "HELLLLO" "You need to wind up the windows"

14th October 2011, 17:46	#5403
akj53 BHPian Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: NOIDA, Manchester & Cardiff Posts: 585 Thanked: 92 Times	OBAMA AND QUEEN ELIZABETH As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is atrocious and both passengers in the carriage must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident. The Queen turns to President Obama, " Mr. President, please accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," replied: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses.

15th October 2011, 11:18	#5411
Eddy Team-BHP Support Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Singapore Posts: 9,541 Thanked: 14,397 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread Here's a good one ! Attached Thumbnails

15th October 2011, 18:48	#5412
Scorcher Senior - BHPian Join Date: Apr 2009 Location: Trivandrum, KL Posts: 4,922 Thanked: 7,175 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf and dumb. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not haveto testify in court.When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where's the money? The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, "where's the money?" Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's temple and says, "Ask him again!"The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido signs back, "OK.! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house. "The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the nerve to pull the trigger." Lawyers, I say!

15th October 2011, 19:28	#5413
anjan_c2007 Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: India Posts: 8,675 Thanked: 22,659 Times View My Garage	Re: The Official Joke thread A man wanted to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he ordered a huge birthday cake on the phone. The salesman asked him what message, he wanted to put on the cake. He thought for a moment, and said, put "you're getting older, but you're getting better". The salesman asked "how do you want me to put it?". The man said 'Well...put "You are getting older" at the top and "but you are getting better" at the bottom. When the cake was unveiled, at the party, all the guests were aghast at the message, on the cake. It read: "You are getting older at the top, but you are getting better at the bottom"!! Moral of the Story: 1. Always proof-read everything before you send. 2. Don't trust others to write it right for you. 3. NEVER order cakes by telephone.

15th October 2011, 20:00	#5414
Fordmanchau Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 1,666 Thanked: 341 Times	Re: The Official Joke thread This one is too good. I had a hearty laugh on reading the first one only The second one is already on the thread but that few years back