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Innovative new seat belt design!!.. Very Effective.. :D

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.


RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.

OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
(And that, my friends, is the definition of 'OLD!)

Got this in the mail:

Speeding Ticket
Kingsville, TX


Two Texas Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on Hwy 77, just south of Kingsville, TX.

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the town of Kingsville. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.


The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the Mesquite treetops on Hwy 77 revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to aUSMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's Naval Air home base location in Kingsville, TX.

Back at the Texas Highway Patrol Headquarters in Corpus Christi the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to theU.S. Naval Base Commander in Kingsville for shutting down his equipment.


The reply came back in true USMC style:

'Thank you for your letter ...

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment's location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position on the side of Hwy 77 So. of Kingsville.

The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.

Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'

A naked and drunken woman boards a cab in London one night.
The Indian driver keeps staring and does not start the cab.
Woman: Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before???
Gujju Driver: I am not staring at you lady..... just wondering where
you kept money to pay me!
Moral:That is what most of the American and European banks failed to
do (i.e) Assessing repayment capacity before taking in the exposure!!

i came across these two images on a blog - toonedlife.

"Kithne aadmi online the facebook mein?" :p

OK here goes a series of first class PUNS. Shared with me by a friend. I am sure anyone who likes the English language will love these.

Puns for Educated Minds
1.The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3.She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4.A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5.No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6.A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7.A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
8.Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9.A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10.Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11.Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12.Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.
13.I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14.A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15.The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16.The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17.A backward poet writes inverse.
18.In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19.When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20.If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
21.A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22.Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24.Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25.Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26.There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Got this one via email. How very true.

If this is a joke, too bad. But if its not, all you IT guys, what are you waiting for??lol:

Got this Message a few days back. All about Exercise

1. If walking is good for your health the postman would be immortal

2. A whale swims all days, only eats fish, drinks water and is still fat

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years

4. A turtle doesn't run, does nothing but lives 450 years

Hell with Exercise! Sleep Well!!

English Translation: Sitting with your boyfriend and referring the Auto driver as your brother is strictly prohibited lol:

I dont think so.

Its like "Sitting with your boyfriend and referring the Auto driver as your brother is strictly prohibited"

^^ yeap my tube light finally blinked, thanks :D

The wit of actor from "whos line is it anyway! (BBC)" still amazes me.
When asked to enact as dentist while his past profession was auto mechanic,
when patient comes for tooth trouble consultation, the New doctor goes below the chair (automobile style) and exclaimes " I see a Hole!"

Aston Martin Vantage Review anyone?
YouTube - How to Drive Aston Martin Car in Oman: Wilbur Sargunaraj