Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

There was bad news for God this week as the well-known deity was forced to recall thousands of examples of His popular Human Being after reports that the model could be prone to unexpected attacks of unbelievable stupidity.
Initial reports of blithering idiocy emerged from the United States last year but these were thought to be isolated incidents caused by people who are so thick that if a floormat was touching their accelerator pedal would prefer to scream ‘Aaaaaaargh’ until they drove into a river rather than simply moving the mat backwards with their foot. However, it now seems the monumental stupidity is more widespread and may cause some Human Beings to decide that the best course of action in the event of being in a car with a throttle that won’t release is to telephone someone rather than to, for example, put the ****ing car into neutral and bring it to a halt using the brakes as normal.
Jesus Christ, a member of the original God family who now runs his Father’s business, is expected to make a full statement shortly. In the meantime, the Archbishop of Canterbury, a senior manager at God’s UK operation, has told reporters that there are almost certainly Human Beings here in Britain that will need to be examined for signs of being so sodding thick that they probably shouldn’t have a driving licence in the first place. “It’s too early to say how this might affect people in the UK,” Mr Canterbury is quoted as saying. “But we have every reason to believe that there are some Human Beings that may being so brain fartingly stupid that if the throttle in their car became stuck, they would never think simply to depress the clutch and coast to a halt”.
However, it is understood that God’s representatives in the UK are keen to manage any recall as quickly and efficiently as possible, thereby minimising the number of mithering suburban twats who ring in to the Jeremy Vine show on Radio 2 and witter on about how they’re too scared to drive their Yaris to such a blindingly crass degree that listeners eventually start to get a sense of what it would be like if the editor of the Daily Mail did a stool into a syringe and then used it to inject vile reactionary **** into their ears.
As God seeks to clarify the extent of the stupidity problem and establish how many Human Beings will need to be recalled, theologians have been assessing just what has caused the problem of quite extraordinarily thick behaviour in the first place. “I suspect the problem lies in the rather clever engineering God has given the Human Being,” noted Dr Peter Peter Cockandballs of St Gobain College, Oxford. “The modern Human Being is actually remarkably durable and reliable, capable of lasting well over 80 years, but among its clever systems is something called Cognitive Reasoning. Normally this works very well, but over time Human Beings get used to being spoon fed blindingly obvious information such as those signs on motorways that say ‘fog’, and eventually they can just give up trying to have any discernment or ability to think rationally. Basically, the Human Being becomes a stupid moron. Hence the popularly of ITV’s Loose Women”.

Sniff Petrol

Quote:

Originally Posted by speedmiester (Post 1772886)

Initial reports of blithering idiocy emerged from the United States last year but these were thought to be isolated incidents caused by people who are so thick that if a floormat was touching their accelerator pedal would prefer to scream ‘Aaaaaaargh’ until they drove into a river rather than simply moving the mat backwards with their foot. However, it now seems the monumental stupidity is more widespread and may cause some Human Beings to decide that the best course of action in the event of being in a car with a throttle that won’t release is to telephone someone rather than to, for example, put the ****ing car into neutral and bring it to a halt using the brakes as normal.
“But we have every reason to believe that there are some Human Beings that may being so brain fartingly stupid that if the throttle in their car became stuck, they would never think simply to depress the clutch and coast to a halt”.

That was a very good one. I don't know what they would do if they live in India for 6 months. lol:

At a major event organised by NASA, scientists and astronomers from all over the globe congregate and discuss as to the possibility of sending a manned mission to SUN.

Seeing all the heated discussions being held over two Irish scientists who arrived late, decide to enquire.

Irish scientists: What is the problem?
NASA Head: We are planning of sending a manned mission to SUN

Irish Scientists: What's the problem in that. I believe we have necessary technology to cover the distance
NASA Head: The problem is not the distance, but to design a vehicle that could stand the heat of the sun and keep the Astronauts safe.

The Irish scientists are amused and laugh out loud

Irish Scientists: You have been discussing such a simple issue for the last few days.
NASA Head: This is a simple issue?. Do you have a solution then?

Irish Scientists: Yup. Its child play for us.
NASA Head: What's is it? We all are eager to hear.

Irsish Scientists: Simple we can send them in the night.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today..

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?

If only...

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it
in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish
and my paint job is getting a little dull ... But that's not the worst of
it. *

*My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up
close.*
*My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid
and bump into things even in the best of weather. *

*My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.*

*It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns
inefficiently. *

*But here's the worst of it -- *

*Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter ..either my radiator leaks or
my exhaust backfires!*

10 Good Reasons for You to Date and Marry an Engineer

1. The world does not revolve around us. We choose the coordinate system.
2. No "couple" could enjoy a better "moment."
3. We know how to handle stress and strain in a relationship.
4. We have significant figures.
5. EK 301: The motion of rigid bodies.
6. Projectile motion: Need we say more?
7. Engineers do it to specifications.
8. According to Newton, if two bodies interact, the forces are equal and opposite.
9. We know it's not the length of the vector that counts, but how you apply the force.
10. We know the right hand rule.

Taken from: http://www.inflection-point.com/jokes/2.htm

Women: A wife was not at home for a whole night. So, the very next morning, she tells her husband that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment over night. The husband calls 10 of her best girlfriend’s and none of them confirm that.

Men: A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends: 5 of them confirm that he stayed at their apartments that night, and the other 5 are claiming that he still is there with them!

Conclusion of the story: Men are better friends!

Three men were sitting together recounting how they had given their new wives duties.

The first man had married a woman from Albania and boasted that he had told his wife she must do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

The second man had married a woman from Korea. He said he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results but the next day it was better. By the third day his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a punjabi girl. He said that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day the didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.