The Official Joke thread

Spinnerr · 5th June 2009, 12:20

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been
circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to
go down to the principal's office.

He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do
about it. He did it and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She
went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his
penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???

Spinnerr · 5th June 2009, 12:47

A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you thake this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now, let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

Bubba replied, "Ohhhh! From way back there I thought you said GOATS!"

Mission_Safari · 5th June 2009, 12:51

Got this in a mail forward.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??

condor · 5th June 2009, 14:08

Quote:

Spinnerr

: A professor at the University of West Virginia

.. has problems with his pronounciation ?
http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/177432-post904.html

@Mission Safari, patient still in hospital since 2005 ?
http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/111587-post397.html

SumitBahl · 5th June 2009, 14:18

Its jokes thread.
Who cares for a double post?
Just relax.

Mission_Safari · 5th June 2009, 14:29

Quote:

Originally Posted by condor

@Mission Safari, patient still in hospital since 2005 ?
http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/111587-post397.html

Looks like he hasn't got his test-results-back yet

amitoj · 5th June 2009, 14:36

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mission_Safari

Looks like he hasn't got his test-results-back yet

LOL. Has the nurse become any wiser over the years or is she a Blonde?

Spinnerr · 5th June 2009, 14:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by condor

.. has problems with his pronounciation ?
http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/177432-post904.html

Aaarg..

. I really thought I wouldnt get 'Condored' this time. Used the search twice. First with "A professor at the University of West Virginia". then it said 'dont use A, single character'.

So I take that out, used "University of West Virginia". And this joke didnt come up. So I went ahead and posted it.

But now I see the guy who posted this earlier had used a different University.
Daang! Bubba shifted college and still goes around with the same ol joke.

Btw condor, what did you use search for to zero in on this?

StarVegabond · 5th June 2009, 14:57

Quote:

Originally Posted by amitoj

LOL. Has the nurse become any wiser over the years or is she a Blonde?

it might be a different nurse this time

condor · 5th June 2009, 17:44

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spinnerr

Aaarg..

. I really thought I wouldnt get 'Condored' this time. Used the search twice. First with "A professor at the University of West Virginia". then it said 'dont use A, single character'.

Btw condor, what did you use search for to zero in on this?

@Spinner, it's the kiss principle. I use 1 or 2 keywords, in a simple search.

The trick is to avoid proper nouns - like West Virginia etc. Also, I dont use phrases.

For these two jokes, I did a search "ghost + goats" and "testicles + black". Search method is standard, not advanced. & If it helps, I use the Standard Blue skin.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SumitBahl

Its jokes thread.
Who cares for a double post?
Just relax.

@Sumit, how would you feel if 10 of us came by & said the same joke over & over again ? The joke doesnt get any funnier each time it is narrated. Not for me & many of us here.

1self · 12th June 2009, 16:41

A geeky answer by Dad to son.

"DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" , Junior asks his dad:

His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!"

"Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO . Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to up load, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button."

"Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said:

'You've Got Male'!

76-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results.

The doctor said, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?"

Harry replied, "God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off."

"Wow, that's incredible," the doctor said.

A little later in the day, the doctor called Harry's wife. "Ethel," he said, "Harry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?"

"Oh my God!" Ethel exclaimed. "He's pissing in the fridge again!

1self · 12th June 2009, 17:01

During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord."

"Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed."

"The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain."

"We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation."

"They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum."

1self · 12th June 2009, 18:51

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's Bill board:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Store

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Car Exhaust Store:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.."

**************************

In a Vets waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**********************

Sign on the back of yet another

Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

deky · 12th June 2009, 20:00

Got this in email, Found it quite funny

Name: pm.bmp
Views: 1788
Size: 659.0 KB

normally_crazy · 13th June 2009, 13:54

Saw this in some newspaper

5th June 2009, 12:20	#3646
Spinnerr BHPian Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Bangalore Posts: 420 Thanked: 500 Times	Kids! A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school." KIDS, DON'T YOU JUST LOVE THEM???

5th June 2009, 12:47	#3647
Spinnerr BHPian Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Bangalore Posts: 420 Thanked: 500 Times	Ghost Sex A professor at the University of West Virginia was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you thake this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now, let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand. The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost." Bubba replied, "Ohhhh! From way back there I thought you said GOATS!"

12th June 2009, 16:41	#3656
1self BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Pune Posts: 629 Thanked: 334 Times View My Garage	Some Decent Jokes A geeky answer by Dad to son. "DADDY! HOW WAS I BORN?" , Junior asks his dad: His dad, who is a software engineer sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway!" "Well, I saw your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on YAHOO . Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to up load, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button." "Six weeks later your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS. Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'! 76-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back with normal results. The doctor said, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Harry replied, "God and I are tight.. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I'm done, poof! The light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor said. A little later in the day, the doctor called Harry's wife. "Ethel," he said, "Harry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?" "Oh my God!" Ethel exclaimed. "He's pissing in the fridge again!

12th June 2009, 17:01	#3657
1self BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Pune Posts: 629 Thanked: 334 Times View My Garage	A Blond Joke! During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward. She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord." "Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed." "The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain." "We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation." "They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim. She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful blonde wife, the word is 'sternum."

12th June 2009, 18:51	#3658
1self BHPian Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: Pune Posts: 629 Thanked: 334 Times View My Garage	Door Signs! Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr Jones, at your cervix." ************************ In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ********************** On a Septic Tank Truck: Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ********************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ********************** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber." ********************** On a Church's Bill board: "7 days without God makes one weak." ********************** At a Tire Store "Invite us to your next blowout." ********************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ********************** In a Non-smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ********************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ********************** At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ********************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ********************** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ********************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ********************** Outside a Car Exhaust Store: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.." ********************** In a Vets waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ********************** In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up." ********************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ********************** And don't forget the sign at a RADIATOR SHOP: "Best place in town to take a leak." ******************** Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

5th June 2009, 12:51	#3648
Mission_Safari BHPian Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Chennai Posts: 449 Thanked: 8 Times	Got this in a mail forward. A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them Sir!" The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly: "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely... "A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??

5th June 2009, 14:18	#3650
SumitBahl BHPian Join Date: May 2008 Location: Chandigarh Posts: 976 Thanked: 232 Times View My Garage	Its jokes thread. Who cares for a double post? Just relax.

12th June 2009, 20:00	#3659
deky Senior - BHPian Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Jaipur Posts: 1,194 Thanked: 1,251 Times	Got this in email, Found it quite funny

13th June 2009, 13:54	#3660
normally_crazy Senior - BHPian Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: Mumbai Posts: 4,367 Thanked: 542 Times View My Garage	Saw this in some newspaper