Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

A man goes into a store and starts looking around. He sees a washer and dryer, but there is no price listed on them. He asks a salesman who says, "Five dollars for both of them."

"Yeah right, you've got to be joking with me!" the man says.

"No, that's the price," the salesman says, "Do you want to buy them or not?"

"Yeah, I'll take them," the man says. The man continues to look around and he sees a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asks.

"Five dollars for the system, including installation," the sales guy says.

"Is it stolen?" the guy asks incredulously.

"No," says the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"

"Sure," the guy says. He looks around some more. Next he finds a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?" he asks.

"Five dollars," the salesman says.

"I'll take that too!" the man says.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asks him, "Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman says, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife, and what he's doing to her... I'm doing to his business!"

WHY MEN DON'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS!

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving
my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more
than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt.

I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't
believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am
41, my husband is 44, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been
married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him
to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago
and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I
love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become
increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't
get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

******************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of
these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump
itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I
hope this helps.

Walter

Note from Team-BHP Support : Thread MERGED. Please use the search feature before creating a new thread on a topic that might already exist. Please continue your discussion in an existing thread. This will keep all the relevant information in one place and make it easier for readers in the future.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
****

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in
bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the
dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the
truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and
discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I
cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is
out fishing in that?"

And that's how the fight started ...

****

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and
slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just
get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well couldn't
believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

And then the fight started.....

****

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150
in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- --------- --------- -----

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- --------- -----

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized
I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt
revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your
chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- --------- -----

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- --------- -----

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- ---

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started

A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot... The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the hell out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers.....

"That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's high on cocaine!"

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” And with that command, the statues came to life.

The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping.

After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”

The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?”

Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But this time YOU hold the pigeon down and I’LL **** on it’s head!” :D