Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

Get Drunk!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~Frank Sinatra

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all
get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants
us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Without question, the greatest invention in the
history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the
wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does
not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite s e x without spitting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,
of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo
can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when
the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the
slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we
know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Note: Conversation ke beech, within brackets jo hai, woh.. ladka apne aap se keh raha hai

She Gives a missed call to him....and he calls her back..
She: Hello!
He: (are yaar...pata nahi aaj kya bore karegi ) Hi ...kya baat hai..?
She: kuch nahi...bas aise hi phone kiya...
He: ( Call kaha kiya?.. khali missed call to diya hai... ) oh...ok ..kya kar
rahi thi meri jaanu??
She: abhi abhi dinner khatam kiya...tum kya kar rahe the?
He: mera bhi abhi abhi dinner khatam hua.. ab...."Ladki Kyon Najaane Kyon"
sun raha hu FM par....
She: nice song..
(And then she hums a line from the song "Hum Tum")

He: ( Saala waha koi chipkali 'kich kich' kar rahi hai ya .... ) hey!!!! tum
itni achchi gaati ho? mujhe pata hi nahi tha
She: *giggles*
He: Hey ek aur baar gaao na pls!
She: yaha sab so rahe hai...agar main gaaongi to sab uth jaaenge..
He: ( Correct...woh yeh samjhenge ki koi bhootni hai ... ) Come on! Please!
She: hat ...I don't sing that well
He: ( yeh to saari duniya ko pata hai... :-) ) It was really sweet. Please
gaao na dear
She: mujhe kuch ajeeb sa lagta hai jaan
He: aisa kuch bhi nahi hai jaanu...gaao na
She: tumhi keh sakte ho...
He: ( mai? saala mere ko doosra raasta nahi hai....is liye bola ) abhi tum
gaaogi ya nahi?
She: kyun pareshaan kar rahe ho?
He: Sigh! Ok
She: I don't have that great a voice
He: ( saala gadha bhi sharma jaaye teri awaaz sunke.. ) hmmmm
She: theek hai... jab itni zid kar rahe ho... sirf ek stanza gaaungi theek
hai??
He: ( aur kya kya jhelna padega malum nahi.. ) Great!!!!
She: kaunsa gaana gaau ?
He: ( tum kuch bhi gaao...meri to aaj neend haraam hai.. )Hmmmm. 'Mahiya'
from Awarapan?
She: Nice song. But mujhe lyrics yaad nahi hai
He: ( Text book chodke tujhe aur kya pata hai bol... ) Dhoom Machale?
She: Nahi main wohi gaana gaaungi
He: ( Tum koi bhi gaana gaao....mere kaan to pakne waale hai ) Cool

(She clears her throat, hums a line and then)

She: Nahi jaan. I am feeling very shy!
He: Gaao na...pls gaao na....teri awaaz ki samundar me main doob jaana
chahta hoon
She: dekho...ab tum mujhe naaraaz kar rahe ho
He: ( Maalum pada na ... phir..: ) )No no. Tum shy feel kar rahi ho
na....is liye... Trying to make u cool
She: Hmmm
He: please gaao na darling
She: main kal gaau?
He: ( Haaaaa...jaan bachi... Phut leta hoon... ) theek hai jaisi tumhaari
merzi
She: Hmmm
He: Good night
She: Good night
She: Sweet Dreams.. Take care...
He: Sweets dreams to u too...

After a while She calls Him (sorry...that never happens, she gives only a
missed call),,,,

She: Hey..sogaye the kya?
He: ( nahi...current ka aavishkaar kar raha tha... ) nahi jaan.
She: kya kar rahe ho?
He: ( raat ko kya gili danda khelna hai... ) Match dekh raha tha
She: theek hai tum match dekho
He: ( us wakt se main kya bhajiya tal raha tha... ) Hey it's ok... purani
match hai.
She: Did u feel bad I didn't sing?

(Since it is a tricky question, He thinks for a while)

He: (Bad ah? this was the luckiest day in my life, since you didn't sing
:- ) Bad toh main nahi keh raha jaanu. But I want you to be comfortable
first.... tumhi ne bola ki main kal gaaungi..... So, me waiting..
(maine to socha tha ki aaj bachgaya....dhat teriki :-()

She sings 1 stanza from the song
'Jiski aankhon me meri hi nami.....'

He: Wow. Too good!
She: jhoot....mujhe maloom hai ki meri awaaz itni achchi nahi hai
He: ( shukr hai self realization hai... :-)... ) nahi darling you really
sing well.
She: nahi..mujhe maloom hai tum bas aise hi keh rahe ho
He: ( very good.. aakhir tumne pata laga hi liya..... ) Che! Che! teri voice
agar itni buri hoti to main ab tak na sun raha hota
She: Hmmmm...theek hai. good night.. ab tum bhi so jaao..
He: ( tera gaana sunne ke baad neend kaise aayegi.. ) Good night!
She: Take care
He: You too
She: Hey....
He: ( are yaar..aaj ye nahi chodegi ,,, ) kya hai sweety? .
She: sach bataao honey..meri voice achchi hai ya nahi...
He: ( tu apni voice khud record karke sun kyon nahi leti ek baar )
sachchi... Of course.
She: sirf jhoot
He: ( iski toh... agar ab mujhe sone nahi diya toh...... ) Not at all. You
sing very well
She: Hmmm.... tum keh rahe ho to theek hi hoga. Good night.
He: Good Night!!

A blonde goes to her local pet store in search of an 'ex0tic' pet. As she
looks about the store, she notices a box FULL of frogs.

The sign says:
'S3X FROGS'
Only $2 each!
Comes with 'complete' instructions.

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her. She
whispers softly to the man behind the counter, 'I'll TAKE one!' As the man
packs the frog, he quietly says to her, 'Just follow the instructions! ' The
blonde nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home.

As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she opens the instructions
and reads them very carefully.
She does EXACTLY as specified:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perf ume.
3. Slip into a very s3xy night dress.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you, and allow the frog to
do what he has been trained to do.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and to her surprise . . .
NOTHING happens! The blonde is very disappointed and quite upset at this
point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper
it says, 'If you have any problems or questions . please call the pet store.'
So, she calls the pet store.

The man says, 'I'll be right over.' Within minutes, the man is ringing her
doorbell. The blonde welcomes him in and says, 'See, I've done everything
according to the instructions. The damn frog just SITS there!'

The man . . . looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares 'directly
into its eyes' and STERNLY says:

'LISTEN TO ME!! I'm only going to show you how to do this ONE ... MORE ...
TIME!!!'