Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As he climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the US and if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”

The old farmer smiled and said, “Apparently, you don’t know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule.”

The lawyer asked, “What is the Texas Three-Kick Rule?”

The farmer replied, “Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.”

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man’s nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer’s third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, “Okay, you old coot! Now, it’s my turn!”

The old farmer smiled and said, “No, I give up. You can have the duck!”

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How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?

2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

4. Rottweiler: Make me.

5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!

7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.

9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb!

10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb."

12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

13. Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

14. Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

This is an actual job application that a 17-year-old boy submitted at a McDonald’s restaurant in Florida; and
they hired him because he was so honest and funny!

NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I was
in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and ‘post-it’ notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

AVAILABLE FOR WORK: Of course. That’s why I’m applying.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30 – 3:30pm., Monday, Tuesday and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UPTO
50lbs?: 50lbs. of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the appropriate question here would be “Do you have a car that runs?”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of
the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job, no, on my breaks, yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously
wealthy dumb blond supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be
doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

Hope this isn't already here.

Policeman at the US/Mexico border stops two guys driving a Fiat Uno.

Policeman: Sir, two people are not allowed to ride in an Uno. Only one can. I have to book you.

Driver: Officer, This car can comfortably seat four people. Moreover, Fiat Uno is the name of the car, signifying it's the Number One. It has nothing to do with the seating capacity.

Policeman: Don't teach me about cars. I know all about these European cars and how they name them according to capacity.

Driver: That's not necessarily about only seating capacity. Officer, look here, even the Fiat Uno manual says, "Seating capacity: ...

Policeman: Sorry sir, rules are rules.

Driver (In exasperation): - Please let me talk to your boss. I'm sure he has more sense. He'll tell you...

Policeman: Sorry sir, my superior can't talk to you right now. He is dealing with five guys in an Audi Quattro!

Got these in an email.

WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKED FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE

This is the winner

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other --
that is until I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes --
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts tequila, one part lime.

PS: Also, heard this on the radio yesterday
Jaaneman, tum mere dil me aise samaii ho,
jaise Baajre ke khet me, Bhains ghus aai ho.

Lol.

Hope that this is not posted before:

How do you reply to telemarketers:

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they
got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as
long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and
I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask,
"What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries
to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a
rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do
it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you
be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get
out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card
number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't
sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she
will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the
Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say,
"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer
will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them
on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food
loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably
tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come
on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .
louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.