Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

Quote:

Originally Posted by iraghava (Post 849803)

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

Good one
So ultimately his aim was to get them out of the pond nak*d lol:

Quote:

Originally Posted by iraghava (Post 823728)

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

In continuation....

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

15: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

16: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.

17: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

19: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

20: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

21: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

22: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

Got it as mail forward------

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure. Why?

* In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant
* In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant
* In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant
* In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant
* In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant
* In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant
* And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!!

One day the lone ranger is out Riding the rage on his horse, silver. Silver was an incredibly smart horse. However later that day they were ambushed by Indians.

Bound and helpless the Indian Chief walked up and spoke to the lone ranger:

"YOu very brave, so before we kill you,we give you 3 wishes, one a day for 3 days, when done, you Die. You make first wish.

The Lone ranger considers and says "for my first wish, I Want to speak with my Horse.

A bit offended that their gift was taken so frivolously they reluctantly agree and the Lone ranger moves next to Silver strokes his noes and whispers into the horses ear.

When finished Silver tosses up his head and gallops off. This confuses the Indians until Silver returned with a very long haired red headed beautiful woman stark naked in his saddle.

At this the Indian's chuckle "white man want last night with Woman.

The next morning the Chief appears in front of the Lone Ranger "what Wish Number 2?"

Again the Lone ranger says "I wish to speak to my Horse.

Now curious the Indian's grant this, and again the Lone ranger Gently strokes Silver's nose and whispers into the Horse's ear. As soon as he finishes Silver again Gallops off.

Now the Indians wait to see what the horse will return with. Sure enough near sunset, Silver returns with a Gorgeous naked black haired woman in his saddle.

The Indians are a bit insulted that this brave man seems to have only one thought on his mind.

The Final morning the chief again approaches the Lone ranger "What want for 3rd wish"

Again the Lone ranger says "I wish to speak with my horse.

Having been thru this twice before the Indians bring silver over, only this time the Lone Ranger grabs the horses bridle, looks the fore RIGHT in the eye and says "for the last time POSSE! P *O *S *S *E! POSSE!

This guys son was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his mother, Jeeto, "How was I born?"
"Well dear..." said the embarrassed Jeeto, "the stork brought you to us."

"Oh," said the boy, "and how did you and daddy get born?"
"Oh, the stork brought us too," said Jeeto.

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" the boy persisted.
"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the frustrated Jeeto.

A few days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:
"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

Every year, English teachers from across the country submit their collections of actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays. These excerpts are published each year to the amusement of teachers across the country.

Here are last year's winners.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Rabbit Breakout
Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night. The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."