The Official Joke thread

condor · 2nd April 2008, 18:07

That was George Custanza's take on life ...

Xehaust · 2nd April 2008, 18:11

hahahahhaa..Classic!
Seinfeld is one of the best shows ive ever seeen. Hilarious.

condor · 2nd April 2008, 18:30

The father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy.

Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whaddya want?"

"Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father.

"Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch again and we'll take care of him in the morning."

simplyself · 3rd April 2008, 14:19

Quote:

Originally Posted by condor

@simplyself, this is an old one, & has been posted here long back. Check out posts # 201, 402, 836, 1371, & 1639 in this thread.

Like with other topics here, Pls do a search on the joke thread before you post a joke. Come to think of it, one could fwd the jokes from this thread to their friends !!

Yes, that was an old joke, but searching for an earlier post...?

condor · 3rd April 2008, 15:32

Quote:

simplyself : Yes, that was an old joke, but searching for an earlier post...?

Yes, why not. Like with any search, use a couple of key words. Look at the results, and the first line is usually enough to spot a previous post.

It does look like people search first. Else, imagine 10000+ members posting repeatitions. It would be a junkyard here.

speedzak · 4th April 2008, 00:00

The English: We screwed your motherland for over 100 years.
After a while the Indian guy replied: Vee veell skroo your maathar tongue for life!

================================================== ======================

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

================================================== ====================

Eddy · 7th April 2008, 17:08

Received a forwarded email today. quite nice

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.
************************************************** ************************************************** ***
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He s aid, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: You're kidding me, right!?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different
attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________________
--- And the best for last: ---
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Xehaust · 7th April 2008, 23:53

Eddy, that was one hilarious post

simplyself · 8th April 2008, 09:47

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

simplyself · 8th April 2008, 10:21

Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling.

* Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

* Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

* The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

* Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

* Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

* The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam-boat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

* Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

simplyself · 8th April 2008, 10:32

On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them.

"What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked.

"It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly.

"Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?"

"No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

Spinnerr · 9th April 2008, 12:14

Not exactly a joke, never the less it was fun to read.

Nikhil's Musings: The gullible Mallu

: Is there a 'Fun to Read' thread in here, where we can post some good articles that we come across?

madan80 · 9th April 2008, 15:03

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spinnerr

Not exactly a joke, never the less it was fun to read.

Nikhil's Musings: The gullible Mallu

thats a friends blog!

Rotorhead · 9th April 2008, 16:51

Quote:

Originally Posted by simplyself

Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling.

* Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.

* Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

* The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth.

* Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.

* Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.

* The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam-boat caused a network of rivers to spring up.

* Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

This one is just too darned hilarious.

jkdas · 9th April 2008, 20:23

Weird Asia News, China, Japan, Korea | Offbeat, Strange, Odd, Crazy, Engrish

Chinese to English!

2nd April 2008, 18:30	#2688
condor Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Speed-brkr City Posts: 15,935 Thanked: 16,185 Times View My Garage	Surprise Visit The father, passing thru the son's college town late one night on a business trip, thought he would pay a surprise visit to the boy. Arriving at the fraternity house, he knocked on the door. After several minutes of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second floor window. "Whaddya want?" "Does Jimmy Duncan live here?" asked the father. "Yeah!" replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch again and we'll take care of him in the morning."

4th April 2008, 00:00	#2691
speedzak BANNED Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: India Posts: 4,347 Thanked: 27 Times	The English: We screwed your motherland for over 100 years. After a while the Indian guy replied: Vee veell skroo your maathar tongue for life! ================================================== ====================== The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnnie. "Well I can see that," she said. "But what is so exciting about a period." "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself." ================================================== ==================== Last edited by speedzak : 4th April 2008 at 00:03.

8th April 2008, 10:21	#2695
simplyself Senior - BHPian Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 1,055 Thanked: 621 Times	Goof -Ups Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and, of course, spelling. * Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. * Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. * The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. * Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. * Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. * The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam-boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. * Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken.

9th April 2008, 12:14	#2697
Spinnerr BHPian Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Bangalore Posts: 418 Thanked: 491 Times	Fun to read Not exactly a joke, never the less it was fun to read. Nikhil's Musings: The gullible Mallu : Is there a 'Fun to Read' thread in here, where we can post some good articles that we come across?

2nd April 2008, 18:07	#2686
condor Distinguished - BHPian Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Speed-brkr City Posts: 15,935 Thanked: 16,185 Times View My Garage	That was George Custanza's take on life ...

2nd April 2008, 18:11	#2687
Xehaust BHPian Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Mumbai Posts: 846 Thanked: 81 Times View My Garage	hahahahhaa..Classic! Seinfeld is one of the best shows ive ever seeen. Hilarious.

7th April 2008, 17:08	#2692
Eddy Team-BHP Support Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: Delhi Posts: 9,413 Thanked: 13,456 Times	Received a forwarded email today. quite nice These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ************************************************ ********************************************** * ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He s aid, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: You're kidding me, right!? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children, is that correct? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Are you ****t'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice, which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ______________________________________ --- And the best for last: --- ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

7th April 2008, 23:53	#2693
Xehaust BHPian Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: Mumbai Posts: 846 Thanked: 81 Times View My Garage	Eddy, that was one hilarious post

8th April 2008, 09:47	#2694
simplyself Senior - BHPian Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 1,055 Thanked: 621 Times	Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet? A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

8th April 2008, 10:32	#2696
simplyself Senior - BHPian Join Date: Mar 2008 Location: Hyderabad Posts: 1,055 Thanked: 621 Times	On my first day working at the gas station, I watched a senior co-worker measure the level of gasoline in the under ground tanks by lowering a giant measuring stick down into them. "What would happen if I threw a lit match into the hole?" I joked. "It would go out," he replied very matter-of-factly. "Really?" I asked, surprised to hear that. "Is there a lack of oxygen down there or some safety device that would extinguish it before the fumes ignited?" "No," my co-worker continued. "The force from the explosion would blow out the match."

9th April 2008, 20:23	#2700
jkdas Senior - BHPian Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Thiruvananthapu Posts: 9,687 Thanked: 1,492 Times View My Garage	Weird Asia News, China, Japan, Korea \| Offbeat, Strange, Odd, Crazy, Engrish Chinese to English!