Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked
trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's
horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming
itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his
six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an
enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any
three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the
snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face
like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and
finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house
you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the
way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside
to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark
Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling
muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and
shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said, "Let's talk. I''ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The girl, who was reading a book, closed it slowly and said to the guy, "What would you like to talk about?"

Oh, I don't know," said the guy. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," she said. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow and a deer all eat the same stuff... grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy thought about it and said, "Hmmm, I have no idea."

To which the girl replied, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don''t know sh*t?"

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and
hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy
son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when
the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his *** out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw
that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

After the Great Beer Festival in London, all the brewery bosses
decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor! I would like
the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and opens it for him .

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the most refreshing beer in
the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser."

The bartender serves him.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky
Mountain spring water, give me a Coors."

He gets it.

Vijay Mallya sits down, looks around and says, "Give me a Coke."

The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery bosses look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you
drinking a Kingfisher?"

"No," says the Kingfisher Brewery Boss, "if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I!"

Once a man went to a Veterinary Doctor in India and said:

Doctor I have come on vacation for a month so that I can get myself treated fully within this period.
Doctor: I think you should go to the Doctor opposite to my clinic, see that board.
Man: No, Doctor, I have come to you only
Doctor: But, gentleman I am a Veterinary Doctor. I am an animal specialist. I do not treat human beings.
Man: I know, Doctor very well and that is why I have come to you only...
Doctor: I can not, because you speak like me, think like me, talk like me which means you are a human being and not an animal.
Man: I know I am a human but litsen to my complaints first:
Doctor: OK. Tell me.
Man:
I sleep vigilantly like dog thinking about my work load whole night.
I get up in the morning like a horse
I go to work running like a deer
I work all the day like a donkey
I run around for 11 months like a bull without any holiday.
I wag my tail in front of all my bosses
I play with my children like a monkey if I get time.
I am like a rabbit before my wife

Doctor: Are you an engineer?

Man: Yes

Doctor: Instead of telling this long history you should have told me in the beginning itself that you are an ENGINEER. Come man, no one can treat you better than me.

· Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
'Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave.'

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· This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the 'mundan' ceremony of his 10 year old son:
'as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days..'

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· Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
'as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave..'

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· From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
'As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave.'

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· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
'Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave'

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· An incident of a leave letter:
'I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday.'

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· A leave letter to the headmaster:
'As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today'

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· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
'As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day.'

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· Covering note:
'I am enclosed herewith...'

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· Another one:
'Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below...'

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· Actual letter written for application of leave:
'My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave'.

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· Letter writing:-
'I am well here and hope you are also in the same well.'

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· A candidate's job application:
'This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.