[ajitkommini]

Tools and their (alternative) definitions
Source: Automotive Humor - Tools: Definitions of mechanic's tools by Peter Egan.

Hammer: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanic's Knife: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.

Electric Hand Drill: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.

Hacksaw: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

Vise-Grips: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

Oxyacetelene Torch: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell

Zippo Lighter: See oxyacetelene torch.

Whitworth Sockets: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.

Drill Press: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.

Wire Wheel: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Django Reinhardt".

Hydraulic Floor Jack: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.

Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

Tweezers: A tool for removing wood splinters.

Phone: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

Snap-On Gasket Scraper: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Timing Light: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.

Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

Craftsman 1/2 x 16-inch Screwdriver: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Aviation Metal Snips: See Hacksaw.

Trouble Light: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

Air Compressor: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.

Grease Gun: A messy tool for checking to see if your zerk fittings are still plugged with rust.

[anonymous]

Bruce Lee's Profile

1. Favorite vegetable * Mu Lee
2. Favourite Lunch * Tha Lee
3. What happens to the theatre once a Bruce Lee movie is over? * Kha Lee
4. Bruce Lee?s sister-in-law?s name? * Saa Lee
5. Favorite Breakfast * Id Lee
6. Favourite festival * Diwa Lee
7. Favorite Actress * Sona Lee
8. Favorite Music * Qawa Lee
9. Most interesting job? * Coo Lee
10. When did Bruce Lee die? * Fina Lee
11. How did Bruce Lee die? * With a Go Lee
12. Favorite hill station * Kulu Mana Lee
13. Nick name? * Mawa Lee
14. Favorite Hindi movie? * Gharwa Lee Baharwa Lee
15. Favourite cricketer? * Saurav Gangu Lee
16. Favourite Pet * Bil Lee
17. Favourite Passtime * Khuj Lee
18. Bathing Place * Na Lee
Maaro * Taa LEE [COLOR=#da8103] [/COLOR]

[R32_GTR]

Some of these are a bit on the 18+ side...

MODS - PLEASE DELETE IF TOO VULGAR..







[COLOR=#333333][img=http://img363.imageshack.us/img363/2145/durexyt6.jpg][/COLOR]







THERE'S HEAPS MOE BUT I DON'T THINK THEY WOULD BE APPROPRIATE ON A AUTO FORUM..

[condor]

R32_GTR, Never copy-paste from a word-processing appln, into your posts on TBHP. The font formatting details in your post are because of this.

You could still save the content into Notepad [as a text document], and then copy into TBHP.

[binz]

The Koala and the Little Lizard
A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past


and looks up and says "HeyKoala ! what are you doing
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.
But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says:




" dude.......how much water did you drink?!!"

sorry guys...its hard to upload images that are a part of a joke.


Or before posting you could highlight the post and click the remove text format icon..

[R32_GTR]

thanks BINZ...send this one to a few laydees...they see some weird cuteness (READ: chooo cute) in you...works like a charm...

[Sam Kapasi]

He didn't like the curry
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't prepare the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.

I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Isn't there anything I could do
To match his mothers shoe.

Then I smiled as I saw light
One thing I could definitely do
I turned around and slapped him tight...
Just like his mother used to.

[benbsb29]

Nice one, Sam..
Between, this one from experience? LOL !!

[gps]

From the mod team: Post deleted. We need to think it through about language/words used here.

Thanks

[Sam Kapasi]

[rags]

which girl is nice : path lee

[ported_head]

@ Sam: There are more of them in the series. It's funny, and it looks a lot like my engg papers when I don't know something.

[Sam Kapasi]

[Mr.Bangalore]

Ways to propose her ............(at your own risk!!!)

1. (Walk up behind girl and point fingers shaped like gun into her
back)
"You're under arrest!"
(For what?)
"For stealing my heart."

2. Hi, my name is Chance, Do I have one?

3. are your legs tired?
( girl Why?)
because you have been running through my mind all day!

4. "I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?"

5. Can you give me directions to your heart?
I've seemed to have lost myself in your eyes

6. (Take a look at the tag on the girls shirt,jacket, etc.)
She would say,"What are doing"
respond,"Oh, just checking to see if you were made in Heaven."

7. (Pick up a flower and walk over to girl.)
"I was just showing this flower how beautiful you are."

8. Is it hot in here or is it just you?

9. Walk up to a guy and say: "Are you from Greece?"
"No" he answers.
"Oh, I thought all the gods were from Greece"

10. I could be born in your eye, run down your cheek,and die on
your lips.

11. Did you know they changed the alphabet? They put U and I
together.

12. Are you lost?
'cause it's so strange to see an angel so far from heaven.

13. Do you believe in love at first sight, or do I have to walk by
you again?

14. What's that in your eye? Oh...it's a sparkle.

15. Do you have a map?
I just got lost in your eyes.

16. You can forget about going to heaven because it's sin to look
that good.

17. If I had eleven roses and you, I'd have a dozen.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love
him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she
does.


DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new
argument.


PREVENTION
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the
ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I
started doing the same thing to them at funerals....

[toiingg]

There's an elephant in the way