Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

Mother Nature
On the 16th hole of the golf course, Fred had hit his ball into the woods
Harry, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit
his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond. Fred looked for a long time,
getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups,
he found his ball. Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and
thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.
Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said,
"I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?
Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your
life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your
life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"
Then POOF!...she was gone.
After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, "Harry!... Harry!... where are you?"
Harry yells, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."
Fred screams back..... "DON'T SWING!!! FOR GOD'S SAKE!! DON'T SWING!!!"

Godfather

Dear Microsoft Technical Support:

I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began giving unexpected errors and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
This wasn't mentioned in the product brochure. In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Cricket 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected.
Attempting to operate Saturday Sports Bar 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but uninstall doesn't work on this program.

With regards,

Joe

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THE REPLY FROM MICROSOFT: -

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.

You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to uninstall, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.

Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or wife 2.0 but have ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under alimony Support and Solicitors Fees).

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can. When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C:\I APOLOGISE program
and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C:\I APOLOGISE a number of times but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.

Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not under any circumstances install
Secretary36.24.36 (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.

Thank you for using the program!!

With regards,

Bill

P.S. In no case try to install the free software (Mother-in-Law 1.0) that comes with WIFE 1.0 operating system. Installing the software would lead to Not Responding messages from Wife 1.0 operating system

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air.
The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you
see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to
health!"
The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about
warnings, we only worry about errors."
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In C we had to code our own bugs. In C++ we can inherit them.
C gives you enough rope to hang yourself. C++ also gives you the tree
object to tie it to.
With C you can shoot yourself in the leg. With C++ you can reuse the bullet.
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate cake
without ketchup and mustard.
PL/I is for programmers who can't decide whether to write in COBOL or
Fortran.
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A grade school teacher was asking his pupils what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first. What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amy?"
Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amy" said the teacher. "What does your parent do, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and went to Billy's house and rang the bell.
Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had
said and demanded an explanation. Billy's dad said, "I'm actually a system
programmer specializing in TCP/IP communication protocol on UNIX systems.
How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle
Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?"

An Indian guy is travelling around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar and, by chance, is served by an Indian barmaid.

As she takes his order, a Foster's, she notices his accent. Over the course of the evening they get chatting. At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her Rs.5,000 to sleep with him. As she is travelling around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again. Again he orders Fosters and after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for Rs.5,000. She remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Fosters but goes and sits in the corner. The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe she can shake some more cash out of him. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from in India. - "Mumbai", he tells her.

So am I. What suburb?" she enquires. "Andheri" he replies.

"That's amazing........." she says excitedly, "..........so am I - what Road?"

"S.V.P. Road" he replies. This is unbelievable........." she says, her voice quavering.

"Which Building?" "Chandra Mahal", he replies.

She is totally astonished. "You are NOT going to believe this........", she yells, "but I'm from Surya MahaL......2 buildings down the lane! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Dad gave me Rs.25,000 to give to you"

Young Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied, "Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee little ones yet?"! She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well ! now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They then parted ways.

Six years later they happened to meet again.

The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan,how are ye these days?"
She replied, "Oh, very well, Father!"
The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!"
The Father said, "That's wonderful! How is yer lovin' husband doing?"

She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle!"

A policeman pulls over a vehicle for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway.

He walks over to the driver & tells him to blow into a breathalyzer.
"I can't do that, Officer," says the driver.
"Why not?" asks the officer.
"Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube!"

The cop says, "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station."
"Can't do that either, Officer," says the driver.
"Why not?" asks the officer.
"Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup!"

The officer says, "Alright, we could get a blood sample."
"Can't do that either, Officer," says the driver.
Why not?" asks the officer.
"Because I'm a hemophiliac, and if I give blood I could die!"

The officer then says, "Fine then, just walk this white line."
"Can't do that either, Officer," replies the driver.
"Why not?" asks the officer.
"Because I'm drunk!"