[kooldude]

The best contraceptive is a glass of cold water: not before or after, but instead

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.

Sex relieves tension - love causes it.

Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

If you use the electric vibrator near water, you will come and go at the same time.

Desire is in men a hunger, in women only an appetite.

"Losing my virginity was a career move." (Madonna)

"I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls."

A girl's legs are her best friends, but the best of friends must part.

[1self]

These are ACTUAL statements from insurance forms where car drivers, who tried to summarize accident details in as few words as possible.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

Some Acronynms You CAN Use!

Note from Mod
Deleted as format error codes made it look like an alphabet soup. Please do not use MS word formats and paste in raw form then format using the forum facilities


For More Of The Same Go To:

http://www.carbuyingtips.com/humor.htm

[DRC]

Originally Posted by 1self

if MICROSOFT built Cars, The Following Would Result:

.

While you are in middle of a free way : "close all the windows and restart"

any problem: Format the car, reinstall engine

On a serious note, I really like those error messages in Windows, they are indeed more realistic and informative than the linux error messages, but you can do nothing about them, that is the frustration.

[condor]

DRC, something for you:
http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/65515-post144.html


Sammyboy, helps to search before posting:
http://www.team-bhp.com/forum/151214-post723.html

[DRC]

One of my friends had a great flair for writing. He used to say ..." I want to be such a great writer that people who read my writings should react to my work from the deapth of their heart,
should jump in joy when I write that something worked,
should feel the frustration when I write some thing has gone wrong,
should feel the agony when I write about that something that hurts,
should weep when they hear from me that they just lost something,
should react in anger and throw the things around when I write somebody else outwitt them,
thereby trigger every emotion in you with what I write"

His dream came true, Now he authors error messages for Microsoft.

[DRC]

This is not really a joke but a true fact ...nevertheless funny

My company was a small MNC when I joined and now it is a big one after aquisition. As a small company hardly there were binding processes, here are a few example of creativity of such a situation....

Once an engineer in our US office sent a review comments captured in a file called "SCUD.doc", there was an updated binary of that work when was sent in a file named "Agni.bin"

There was only one engineer for VxWorks BSP development, he had his own version control mechanism,
first image "h.bin"
second update "ha.bin"
third one "han.bin"
.
.
.
.
Release image "hanuman.bin"


He used to have debug codes which were named, "wasworkingyesterdaybutnotworkingtoday.bin"

[DRC]

One more real life incedent I can't stop laughing.

We were on a jungle safari on those rattling busses in Nagarhole national park.. as usual we were disappointed as we did not see any tiger on that trip.
I asked the driver of that bus "have you ever seen a tiger during such safari rides?"

reply came " last month when forest minister had come to visit the park, we saw the tiger!"

[1self]

Q: What is the sport-version of Honda City?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.

Q: What to you call a Honda City with brakes?
A: Customized.

Q: How do you make a Honda City go faster uphill?
A: Throw out the passenger.

Q: How do you make a Honda City go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.

Q: How do you make a Honda City look good?
A: Park it between two Sonatas!

Classified Ad Translator!!

Must Sell - Before it blows up.

Runs Fine - I was going to say "runs excellent" but I had a last minute attack of conscience.

Needs Some Body Work - Was side-swiped by a Municipal Garbage Truck.

Well Maintanied -I occasionally change the oil.

Looks Like New - Just don't try to drive it anywhere.

All Original - I never had anything fixed, adjusted, or replaced.

Loaded With Options - Each one more troublesome than the last.

Never Smoked In - Unfortunately, that's the best thing I can say about it.

Project Car - I can't figure out how to finish it and I doubt you will either.

Lots of Potential - To drive you insane.

Needs Minor Repair - Doesn't run.

Parts Car - Beyond repair.

Rough Condition - Too bad to lie about.

Immaculate - Recently washed.

Needs Minor Overhaul - Needs engine.

Needs Major Overhaul - Phone the junkyard.

Burns No Oil - It all leaks out.

Rebuilt Engine - Cleaned the spark plugs.

Drive It Anywhere - Within 10 miles.

Desireable Classic - No one wants it.

Rare Classic - No one wanted it even when it was new.

Never Apart - Bolts too rounded to loosen.

Solid As A Rock - Rusted solid

Older Restoration - First owner washed it.

Good Investment - Can't be worth much less.

No Time To Restore It - Can't obtain parts.

95% Complete - Other 5% doesn't exist.

Good Transportation - It's ugly as sin.

Exellent Fuel Mileage - It's slow.

Low Mileage - The odometer was turned back.

One Owner - Can't give it away.

Sure to Appreciate - That's why I'm selling it.

..Or Best Offer - I'm guessing here.

Other Interests Conflict - Spouse's ultimatum: "Either that #!!@&## thing goes or I do!"

[furioussphinx]

NEW ELEMENT IN THE PERIODIC TABLE

Element : WOMEN
Symbol : Wo+
Atomic mass : Accepted as 53.6 Kg; isotopes may vary from 40-200 kg.
Occurrence : Copious quantities in all urban areas.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES

1. bOiLs at room temperature
2. Freezes without any known reason.
3. Melts if given special treatment.
4. Bitter, if incorrectly used.
5. Sweet as Honey if given a proper treatment.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES

1. Have great affinity for Gold, Silver and a range of precious stones
and absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
2. May explode spontaneously without prior warning and for no known
reason.
3. Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increases by that.
4. Most powerful money reducing agent known to man
did u hear about the
new element in the periodic table............

[iraghava]

Last Request...

Two prisoners, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given the last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play "The Macarena" for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "KILL ME FIRST."

[2L8uLoose]

Variation Law: If you change queues, the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged one.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the Next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF CLOSE ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases
when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

LAW OF BIOMECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

THEATRE RULE: People with the seats at the furthest from the aisle arrive last.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

[ghostrider4385]

OT: Who's pic is that on ever TD&H (Tom, Dick & Harry) profile?! It's driving me crazee!!!

Godspeed,

Alok

[2L8uLoose]

Alok.. that would be Mr Rtech.. our beloved Mod...

[vshetty]

This ain't hilarious but quite funny i should say, T-Bhpians foward this to all the gals you know this is pretty much our "Code"..

Note from mod: Do not use Formatting tags like FONT, SIZE as they make the post unreadable

[vshetty]

This ain't hilarious but quite funny i should say, T-Bhpians foward this to all the gals you know this is pretty much our "Code"..


We always hear the rules from the female side atlast a rule -book of men, somebody has actually taken out time to write this....
All the rules are marked as "1" .. ON PURPOSE !!.

1. Men are NOT Mind Readers !! ...

1. Know how to work the toilet seat, you are a big girl now!!, you need it down we need it up, you never hear us complaining when you leave it down.

1. Sunday sports is like changing tides, or the full moon, it has always happened so let it be !!.

1. Crying is BLACKMAIL !!.

1. Let us get this straight:
a) Subtle hints don't work
b) Strong hints don't work.
c) Obvious hints don't work.
OMG .. Just say it !!!!!!.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you need help solving it, That's what we do, sympathy is what your girlfriends are for!!.

1. Anything we boys say 6 Months back is void in an argument. Infact anything is inadmissible in an argument, 7 Hours after we say it,
*** note promises are void after 3 Hours.

1. If you don't dress up like Victoria's Secret - Girls, don't expect us to act like 'Soap Opera Stars'.

1. Whenever possible say what you have to during commercial breaks.

1. Christopher Columbus din't need directions nor do we..

1. All men see only in 16 Colour Default windows format!!, Peach for example is a fruit not a colour, Pumpkin is also a fruit, we have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches we scratch that's what we do.

1. If we ask what is wrong ? , you you reply "nothing" , we will act like nothing is wrong. We know you are lying but it is not worth the hassle to find out.

1. When we have to go somewhere whatever you wear is fine by us!!! .

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in Shape round is a shape.

1. No we don't have cotton in our ears... so don't keep repeating the same thing again & again... !!! ..