Team-BHP - The Official Joke thread

Three men: a philosopher, a mathematician and an

idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.

Before anyone knew, the
three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of
Heaven,
where St. Peter and the Devil were standing
nearby. "Gentlemen,"
the Devil started, "due to the fact that Heaven
is now overcrowded, St
Peter has agreed to limit the number of people
entering Heaven.

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't
know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough
to go to Heaven; If
not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

The philosopher then stepped up
and said, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates'
teachings". With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next
to the
Devil.

The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct.
"Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher
disappeared. The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most
complicated formula you can ever think of!"

With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared. The
mathematician read it and
reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another
snap of
his finger, the mathematician disappeared too.

The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a
chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill
7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then
sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart.

Standing up, he asked, "Which hole
did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said,
"The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from
my
*******." The idiot went to Heaven.

manson.

What a surprise !

There was this guy who always went out drinking with his friends. He would
always come home very late. One night, while he was at the bar he told
them his secret for being able to sneak in late.

"When I walk in the house, before the wife can say anything, I lay her
down, take off her panties, and give her the best oral sex she's ever had,
until she has such an orgasm that she falls into a deep sleep. Then, I
wash up and go to bed. By morning, she is so pleased, she doesn't care
what time I came home."

One of his friends thinks this is a great idea. So he stays out late,
comes home, sneaks into the bedroom, gives his wife the best oral sex
she's ever had, and goes to wash up. His wife walks into the bathroom,
obviously upset that he's home so late.

"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" he
asks.

I will be, but I came in to tell you that we've got to sleep on the couch
tonight, because my mother is sleeping in our room."

manson.

1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...
Stupid Question:-
Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on
your feet...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...
Stupid Question:-
Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
Why? Would it rather have been you?

4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter Stupid Question:- Is ! the
"Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also
spit in it.

5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after
years...
Stupid Question:-
Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...
Stupid Question:-
Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the
money.

7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...
Stupid Question:-
Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or
not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...
Stupid Question:-
Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...
Stupid Question:-
Tell me if it hurts?
Answer:-
No it wont. It will just bleed.

10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...
Stupid Question:-
Oh, so you smoke.
Answer:-
Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in
flames!!!

You are a Desi if you...

purchase a video camera just before a Niagara trip and return it after the trip.
keep switching your internet service provider, because the first month is free.
go to a temple/church/mosque on festivals, just because there is free food.
keep comparing prices at Circuit city for the phone you bought six months ago.
bought a Toyota Corolla or Honda Civic, just because it has better resale value.
go back to your apartment for lunch.
know all the $1.50 theaters in your city.
ask for a small drink at the fast food restaurant because refills are free.
spend two-days cleaning your apartment before leaving so you can get full security refund from your landlord.
don't know any American outside your workplace.
have your green-card lawyer on your speed dial.
try to ignore all other unknown desis around you.
talk to Americans as if you represent the whole of India.
frequent garage sales every week.
spread a newspaper on the living room carpet to have your dinner.
are compelled to visit ever major city in the US, just to be able to say, "I've been there"
use a plastic bucket and mug in your bathtub.
have to borrow your friend's Samsonite for a visit back home.
set off the smoke detector, whenever you cook dinner.
use grocery bags as garbage bags.
take office supplies home for use, there.
don't want to buy a printer because you can always use the office printer.
agree to marry whatever girl/guy your folks fix you up with.
smell like curry.
have Rin (detergent soap cake) imported from India in your bathroom.
have taken pictures of your car and mailed to your folks back home.
know all of your friends' salaries.
try to talk in a phony American accent with desis new to America.
have 4 guys living in a 2-bedroom apartment.
have cooking schedule in your kitchen cabinet.
spend at least 2 evenings in a week at Kmart.
split the tax from your common grocery bill with your roommates.

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the
windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to
write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you
have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just
say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What
do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start
with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on
the Internet?

ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.

COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
your business. Just tell me what I need!

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3
and 4. Can I watch them?

ABBOTT: Of course.

COSTELLO: Great! With what?

ABBOTT: Real One.

COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie.
What do I do?

ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".

COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

ABBOTT: The blue "1".

COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W?"

ABBOTT: The blue " 1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!

ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the
world.

COSTELLO: It is?

ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left.
It pretty much wiped out all the other Words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?

ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even
part of Office.

COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial
bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: T hey can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later) ...........

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".......

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much would you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

On the first day God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a
life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll
give you back the other ten." So God agreed.

On the second day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do
monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think
so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?" And God
agreed.

On the third day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. Let me have twenty and I'll give back the other forty." And God
agreed again.

On the forth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and
the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and the ten the
dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You've got a deal."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy
ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our
family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren; and for next ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone.

Life has now been explained to you

wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing?

How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I want divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave,at least listen to what happened. You can't say I'm dishonest."

"Hmm, I don't know, well, it'll be the last thing I will hear from you.But make it fast, you unfaithful pig, you!"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this young lady asked for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She mentioned that at she had not eaten for 3 days.

With great compassion I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight;the poor thing practically devoured them."

"Since she was very dirty I asked if she wanted to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that
you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste."

"I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does
not use?"

HARD-DISK Girls:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Girls:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Girls:
Everyone knows that she can’t do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Girls:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Girls:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Girls:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Girls:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Girls:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Girls:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Girls:
Also known as “WIFE”; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don’t try to uninstall her … you will lose everything…

this is supposedly a true story
A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities.
#1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2) Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.